Two Dudes, Two Answers: The Narrator

In the latest of the TDTAs series, Travis and Justin both decide who would dictate the action of their lives

Two Dudes, Two Answers really offers up a lot of interesting ideas and a lot of opportunity for debate. There are always standby answers, but sometimes you get hit with a question that’s so unique, so unplausible, so ridiculous, that you can’t help but wrack your brain over figuring out the perfect answer for you.

This, was one of those questions.

I posed it to everyone I knew, even people I didn’t know, and got a ton of repeat answers, both of which can do unnamed right here. I was also, occasionally, surprised by a completely inspired and original pick, such as a co-worker mentioned Louise from Bob’s Burgers and Peter Cullen who has voiced Optimus Primse since the original Transformers, both of which I feel deserve an honorable mention, and in doing so, may help you think outside the box and figure out your very own Life Narrator.

Travis: Waking up in the morning, and feeling the curtains on the window peel back and bathe my face in sunlight is a moment, to onlookers, that might appear rather boring, or mundane. And to those people I say NAY. You see, someone of my stature, of my place on this cold planet we call Earth, deserves every moment to be read with a voice that scream important, honorable, handsome, and most of all, oh so glorious.

I toyed around with a few ideas, and I had really settled on Chris Berman, the brash and loud ESPN personality bringing you “The Blitz” for as long as, well, I’m pretty sure it’s been happening since the beginning of time. I could rumble-stumble-bumble onto my bed at the end of a long day, or I could-go-all-the-way to the bathroom after I see the new summer blockbuster. At the end of the day, I could see myself growing tired of Boomer’s voice filling my head with commentary in what would be his most exciting broadcast gig of all time.

He's clearly happy with some choice I've made here. Clearly.

He’s clearly happy with some choice I’ve made here. Clearly.

I needed something different. Something that would be fun, make me laugh, and most of all, be a voice I couldn’t see myself ever getting sick of.

Enter John DiMaggio Jr.

You may not know who he is (yet), but you’ve almost certainly heard his voice once or twice. A voice actor from New Jersey, DiMaggio has voice Marcus Phoenix (Gears of War), Bender (Futurama), Wakka (Final Fantasy X), Dr. Drakken (Kim Possible), and my personal favorite, Jake the Dog (Adventure Time).

Jake the Dog’s voice would fill each of my moments with senseless commentary designed to make me laugh, and perhaps teach me to not take everything so seriously. Plus, any fan of Adventure Time knows that Jake is one of the smarter cartoon characters out there, often lending some heartfelt advice to his human friend, Finn. Perhaps Jake, ahem, John, could lend some helpful advice on the tough situations that I face every day.

For example, what should I have for dinner? What time should I go to bed? Should I shower in the morning, or the evening?

You know, the questions that REALLY need answering.

Travis’ Narrator: John DiMaggio Jr.

Justin: This was such a tough pick. It’s too easy to just say, “oh, Morgan Freeman!” Or even “James Earl Jones! Yeah, dude, I want Darth Vader or Mufasa to narrate my life! HurHurHur!” Yeah, ya know what? WHO DOESN’T?! There’s always a more inspired pick than someone that’s so obvious everyone would choose them. But you go ahead, Black & Decker, pick the same thing as everyone else. Me? Well, shit. If you’ve ever met me, you know I’m not a complete toolstore. Or even a toolshed. No, I’m not even a toolbox or even a single tool. I am a man. I am a man’s man. I am the man. Who could do me justice while narrating the everyday excitement that is my normal life?

I thought for a long time, contemplated the different choices, paid special attention during movies and even commercials, tried to find the perfect voice for me. I found myself narrating my every day activities in my own head, speaking over the mundane details that no one ever talks about with the most interesting voices I could muster, and for a long, long time, I had settled on Lance Henriksen, he of Pumpkinhead, Aliens, and, most recently, COD fame. Just imagine that gruff voice, talking about you and giving the play-by-play while you put on your socks, butter your toast, and lock your door. Amazing, right?

But, it just wasn’t quite right, even as amazing as it was. Lance growling out the details of how I pluck my ass hair or inspect that new growth on the backside of my elbow just wasn’t doing it for me. I’m just too refined a gentleman for someone so B.A.M.F., as much as it pains me to have to admit, and thus… I resumed my search with renewed vigor, and set out to find the perfect voice to dictate everything I did. A gentleman. A man of class. Not some dreg of society, or some wretch of the world. I’m a man of the arts with a deeper appreciation for life and beauty than any of the poor, unfortunate souls that don’t happen to be me. And knowing that, it became an easy pick. I knew exactly who could make even the most revolting encounter feel and sound like a triumph of elegance and worldliness. It could only have ever been, and ever be, the deliciously enunciated and delectably articulated voice of… You guessed it… Agent Smith… V… Elrond… MEGATRON…

This is the face of my narrator. Except, not really. It's a mask. But, behind that mask, is his face. I think. I dunno, I didn't bother checking, honestly.

This is the face of my narrator. Except, not really. It’s a mask. But, behind that mask, is his face. I think. I dunno, I didn’t bother checking, honestly.

Hugo. Weaving.

It’s so positively oozing finesse that it’s like the sonic equivalent of warm oil slowly being poured and massaged over… something that needs to be massaged with… warm oil… Ahem.

It’s perfect. Who else could make even the most mundane and menial of tasks seem delightful and full of regality and so bursting of majesty that even the Queen of England herself would blush when listening in?! Just imagine, his warm, soothing voice so eloquently and vividly describing every scratch of your ass, the shimmying shake of a dance you do as you struggle to button those too-tight pants, or even the way the drool collects, pools and ever-so-slowly drips off the corner of your mouth as you stare off into the endless Abyss of Oblivion that is your meaningless life… Oh, sigh…

It just couldn’t be any other way. Not for me. And it should be for you, either!

Justin’s Narrator: Hugo Weaving

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