A Totally Biased Debut: Two Dudes, Two Answers: The Superpower

In a fresh new series, Travis and Justin take a profound question, throw it out the window, and dick around as usual

We here at Totally Biased are always looking to deliver fresh, new, exciting content.

We thought, we sat, and we racked our brains. We couldn’t come up with anything original, so last week you got Man Crush. Now that the smoke has cleared, I’ve wiped my laptops harddrive, and all my boxers are clean, it’s time to deliver our inaugural “Two Dude, Two Answers” article. These are meant to be thought provoking, funny, and quick reads. We take some of life’s most important questions, toss them aside, and instead choose to answer questions that you’d only ask at parties and read on the internet.

Oh, how I envy you, dear reader.

Each week, two of us here at Totally Biased will each weigh in on one of these not so important subjects, and leave it up to the people to vote at the end as to who had a better, and more complete answer. If you have a question that you’d like us to answer, we welcome them with open arms. Be sure to leave them on Twitter, or our Facebook wall. 

So, let’s get right down to it! Our first question? Simple.

“If you had one superpower, what would it be?”

Travis: Psionic Powers

Shazam, bitches. Psionic. Powers. You know what that means? That means if I want it, I get it. To give you a comparison, I’d be the Professor X of Portland. Except the whole… confined to a wheelchair, paraplegic thing… where I wouldn’t be able to wipe me own ass… or pop a stiffy… or… you know… fuckin’ walk. I mean, Professor X KILLED it with his powers. Granted, he had a little bit more than psionic powers, but still, he was having a blast just wreckin’ shit inside peoples heads. Now, imagine I could get up, do some double-dutch, hopscotch, some back handsprings, you name it, as long as I’m not sitting on my ass in a chair with wheels.

Now, imagine me, except, minus the chair and freaky looking cat. And the woods. I don’t know why I’d be in the woods. Basically, just picture me… Just. Me.

To be honest, I debated between time travel and the psychic ability, but in the end, it wasn’t all that close. Psionic powers would be the total freakin’ package! The ability to possess someone’s mind?! Game. Over. I could convince people to just… ya know, give me shit! Cars, money, clothes, name it, and I could get it. 

“You know, Ms. Smith, the house is nice, don’t get me wrong. I love the swimming pool in the living room, and the way the elevator is positioned right in between the home theater and master bedroom, but honestly, 17 million is a little out of my price range. Instead, I’m going to take out a crisp five dollar bill, and what say you we get some signature’s on the paper?”

“Mr. Rand, I don’t know what you’re doing but this house is worth much more than that…”

Pause. This is where I’m looking at her intently. And by intently, I mean, I’m squinting, holding my temples, looking her dead in the eye. I probably look like I’m shitting myself. Resume.

“I don’t know what came over me Mr. Rand, how very rude of me. Of COURSE five dollars is enough!”

What more could you ask for? You’d have it all. Psionic powers you sons of bitches, it’s the only way.

Justin: Healing Factor

This was always such an easy pick that when I heard Travis was taking “Mental Powers,” there was no hesitation and I knew I was going in the other direction. See, as usual, Travis takes the path of the sick, demented one whereas I take the path of enlightenment. He wants to influence chicks to dump ’em out, to influence guys to drop trou’. With his choice, he’s opting for the pinnacle of the mind. Me? I’m opting for the absolute best the body has to offer: the Healing Factor.

You ever fall, stumble, crash, or ram into something and break a bone? Nah, me neither. Know why? I’m not a clumsy fuckin’ idiot. But! Knowing that if that did happen, I wouldn’t have to worry, and that the bone would set itself in mere minutes rather than months, tingles me in places that probly ought not to be tingled!

Nah, I’m good. Just a scratch.

Just think about it. Every asshole and their mother wants to fly. Bor-Ing! The healing factor means your body is always in peak physical condition, you’re never sick, can’t contract any diseases or viruses, wounds heal in moments no matter how grievous, and to top it all off? Since your body’s cells replenish so rapidly and so effortlessly, you age more slowly than anyone else. BAM! Bitch slap of truth, right there! Forget the fact that your metabolism is moving so quickly that it’s almost impossible for you to gain weight. And by “weight,” I, of course, mean “fat.” I mean, you could be 200 years old and not look a day over 20, while looking positively Herculean! Ya know what that’s called? #likeaBOSS

I don’t really feel this takes much convincing or anything, but if you want the coup de grâce, then here it is: The only way you can die is if your head is cut off. Literally. Wolverine once fell from a building, landing on a sharp, standing pole at the bottom, impaling him and actually piercing his heart, driving it out of his body, still beating as it was run through. He was fine a couple days later. I mean, WHAT?! GTFO!!!

This is such an easy pick that I fear if you disagree, you may be counting your IQ on your hands. Either that, or Travis used his powers to convince you to agree with him. Which still makes you wrong. Period.

Healing Factor, FTW!

One Response to “A Totally Biased Debut: Two Dudes, Two Answers: The Superpower”
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  1. […] much of an introduction. If you’d read the previous installment in this serious, regarding superpowers, then you already know how this […]

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