Totally Biased Top 10: The Man Crush, Anniversary Round II

Joseph Gordon-Levitt

Justin breaks down his latest, and greatest, List of Guys He’d Go Gay For

I’m a very firm believer, now more than ever, that there comes a time in every man’s life, when he stops, takes a step back, and evaluates his entire life. Sometimes, it looks kosher. Other times, not so much. Call it a mid-life crisis, calling it maturing, call it whatever you want.

That being said, where the hell did I go wrong?!

I mean, really?! Writing about a bunch of hot celebrity guys?! This is REALLY what my life has come to?! I mean, it’s ME! I’m kind of a big deal! People know me! Such a storied, celebrated life I’ve lived, my multitude of heroic achievements, the friends and enemies I’ve made, but no… I wanna bang Chris Hemsworth and I want the whole, wide world to know! And at this point, I’m way beyond the point of no return. There’s no denying the indelible mark this series has left on me as a person, as a human being, and, especially, as a man.

At best, like a nasty infestation of crotch crabs, or at worst, another aggressive outbreak of pustulating genital warts, it seems like we just can’t shake the success, draw and allure of our flagship franchise. And make no mistake, what SportsCenter is to ESPN, Man Crush is to Totally Biased. And good grief, if I wouldn’t have it any other way!

That’s right, ladies and germs, despite our incessant bitching, Travis and I still haven’t found anything better to write about than other men we’d like to bed. Luckily for you, too, otherwise there may be nothing worthwhile to read on this site. And although Travis has got you all convinced that you’ve already beared witness to the greatest, most monumental Man Crush list ever, I’m here to tell you that you ain’t seen shit yet.

The Mona Lisa? The Statue of David? No, no, no… Too mainstream. Everyone knows the Mona Lisa, everyone’s seen the Statue of David, but it takes a special, more sophisticated sort to appreciate the finer works of art across the world, the more original, prodigious talents that carved out their own legacy in a landscape of imposters and ne’er-do-wells. And now, it’s my turn. My turn to take my place in the Hall of the World’s Greatest. My turn to place my work in the Hall of Masterpieces. This list? It’s my Starry Night. My Thinker Statue. My Sistine Chapel. My 5th Symphony. And there never has been, and never will be, anything else like it. Ever.

This will change your life. No joke. You’ll be halfway done with the first paragraph, and you’ll realize you’re basking in a warm, golden aura, a pillar of light and resplendence shining from the Heavens, a choir of angels slowly swelling to sing you praise for partaking in such magnificence, a comforting blanket that’s completely enveloping you and telling you, “it’s ok! You’re safe now!” and you break down into tears at the sheer wonderment and the bliss your life now knows…

Actually, I don’t think words could even do it justice. So just get to reading it!

I thank you for coming to the site and checking out my latest, and greatest, Man Crush article, and hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed creating it.

Totally Biased Top 10: Guys I’d Go Gay For, by Justin Yattaw

10. Paul Bettany
Known For: A Knight’s Tale, A Beautiful Mind, Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World, Legion, Priest, The Avengers

I admit, not my usual cup o’ tea… But when a cup o’ tea’s this steamy…

I wrestled with the 10th spot for a long, long time. I went through four or five different guys before I finally settled on Mr. Bettany taking the inaugural spot. Why? So, so simple.

His bone structure. It’s absolutely, spot-on perfect. If you asked a Master Sculptor of the Renaissance to sculpt the perfect face, with perfect proportions and the perfect shape, it would look exactly like Paul Bettany’s. No bullshit. Look it up. It’s in the Bible.

I mean, nevermind that he’s a fantastically talented actor whose landed higher profile roles as his career’s blossomed, including a shirtless  turn with a muscled 6’3″ physique in Legion and a stint as a vampire killer in Priest… My goodness… Oh, where was I? Anyways, his highest-grossing role yet? The role of Jarvis, Tony Stark’s personal AI-companion… butler… thing. And what better role for him to shine in? With that voice of his, he could be reading from the phone-book and I’d be melting. Seriously, it doesn’t matter what he’s saying. He sounds brilliant. And sounding brilliant is the next best thing to actually being brilliant. While being very, very hot.

Date with Paul: Well, hopefully it would be someplace a bit more sophisticated than your typical dinner-and-a-movie type of affair. Afternoon coffee, or tea, followed by a traipse through the local art museum, holding hands and resting my head on his shoulder at each exhibit, where he could talk, and talk, and talk, and talk, and talk… Seriously. Just let him talk. I don’t even care if he’s just reciting recipes for stroganoff… Just let. the man. talk to me. All… Night… Long.

9. John Stamos
Known For: Full House, ER, General Hospital

What was it he said on Full House? “Haaave Mercyyy?” Well… Not too much, big boy, ;)

Oh, Uncle Jesse…

All the years he starred on Full House as the hunky, suave Uncle Jesse he had ladies swooning over him. Me included. Nevermind the poofy, semi-mullet he was sporting almost his entire tenure on the show. No, no, no. So easily overlooked. Especially when he flashes that blinding smile and those dreamy eyes at the camera. He also plays the guitar and is a fairly accomplished singer. If that doesn’t sell you, then I just don’t know what will. I’m sure he’s been on other shows, and I know he was married to the lovely Rebecca Romijn, but… It’s Uncle Jesse that we’ll always, always love.

Plus! He’s the one guy Brennan Huff and Dale Doback agreed they would would sleep with if they were chicks. Me? I’m not going to get hung up on “being a chick.”

Date with Uncle Jesse: This is a simple one. I’m waiting, anxiously, by the door, counting down the minutes till Stamos rolls up on his roaring Harley. I have to play hard-to-get and make him wait at the door for a moment, though, before I answer and find him smiling, holding a single rose and a box of chocolates, which tells me he loves me for me, and not my figure. How sweet! I clutch him tightly on the bike the whole way to the restaurant, and after dinner, we head to our favorite fun-spot: Karaoke ‘n’ Roll! He climbs the stage and stares down into my eyes while he belts out Journey’s “Faithfully.”

…Is this heaven?

8. David Beckham
Known For: World-Class footballer, Husband to Spice Girl

If you wanna be my lovah… You gotta’… Well… You don’t have to get with my friends. Just say so. You don’t have to twist my arm here…

Beckham, Beckham, Beckham… Oh, how you make it bend…

Almost as famous for, if not more so, his Spice Girl wife than for his extraordinary abilities out on the pitch, they both pale in comparison to the obvious: he’s drop-dead gorgeous. With countless, signature, unique hairstyles, striking hazel eyes and a smile hardly any other Englishman can compete with, there’s very little to argue to the contrary. To top everything else off, he is the quintessence of style, always looking impeccably dressed and styled, in only the most fashionable of clothes and adorned in the newest, sleekest of trends. That’s called a “Hat Trick,” boys and girls.

What’s more? Mark Simpson, the man who originally coined the term “metrosexual” hailed Beckham as the ultimate Metrosexual. I mean, c’MON! If that’s the case, then you KNOW this guy looks good! Although his soccer skills are world-class, and no, soccer isn’t just that sport for damaged people, it’s his delicious looks that earned him a spot on this list.

Date with Beckham: Nothing, and I mean nothing, could beat a day at the beach with Hunky Beckham. From watching him climb up and out of the glistening waves and seeing the water droplets sparkle across his body, to playing a little frisbee, to laying out and working on our tan after I get to slather him up and massage him down with tanning oil, to a competetive game of volleyball where ÜberBeau Beckham makes the game-clinching spike so I can adore and shower him with praise, to laying out on the beach as the sun goes down, and waiting for the stars to appear, one-by-one, and staring knowingly into one anothers eyes… Just don’t ever let it end.

7. Adrian Brody
Known For: The Pianist, King Kong, Predators, The Thin Red Line, Summer of Sam

Oh, yeah. He can make me breakfast.

One of, if not the, coolest cats on this entire list, and one of the best-looking to boot. With signature, striking features… OK, ok! So, the nose is huge, but he’s still hot. Really, look at him! He’s easily one of the most stylish men on this list, always dressed to impress, and with his dark hair being constantly trimmed to perfection, it’s hard to not overlook a blemish or two. He’s not one of the new spokesmen for Gillette’s ProGlide Styler for no discernible reason here. I mean, c’mon. Let’s face it. This is a sexy hunk of man-meat.

Easily one of the most talented actors on this list, Brody came from a tough, strained upbringing in Queens to carving out a special career by playing only in the most diverse, hand-picked roles, consciously avoiding repeating himself by going with the most interesting role choices. And the proof is in the pudding. How committed is he to his roles? For his Oscar-Winning role in The Pianist, he shed 30 pounds and cut himself off from his real life to better identify with the despair of the Jews from that period. Goosebumps. It’s not every actor who draws comparisons as this generations Pacino or de Niro for their intense commitment to their roles. What’s Brody say to that, though? “I appreciate that, but I’d rather be remembered as the first Adrien Brody.”

He’s tall, dark, handsome, and humble. And I think I’m in love.

Date with Brody: Possibly the classiest, most stylish guy on this entire list, it only makes sense for him to take me to the classiest, most stylish jazz club in town, complete with a 3-piece jazz band, ambient mood-lighting, and good, soulful food. After dinner, we head out into the cool, autumn air, snuggled up close as we walk through the park, the purple, red, orange and gold leaves all rustling gently in the cool night breeze. His arm gets tighter around me, pulling me closer and ending the perfect night with one, perfect peck on my forehead…

Please… Someone pinch me…

6. Nathan Drake
Known For: Uncharted Franchise, World-Famous Treasure Hunter, Descendant of Sir Francis Drake, Sense of Humor

Whoa! Whoa! My hands are up! You can put the gun down! …now, you gonna get to frisking me or what? 

Ever since exploding onto the scene in ’07 in Uncharted: Drake’s Fortune, Nathan Drake has been cracking unforgettable one-liners, swooning the ladies, uncovering long-lost, though often misunderstood, priceless treasures, and saving the world… By destroying each one in the process… Kind of like what I’m hoping he’ll do to me. Discover my dark, hidden secrets, then totally and utterly destroy me. Oh, look at that! I’ve got chills just thinking about it!

And as if that weren’t already enough to whet your whistle, he manages to fight off hundreds of militia and para-military forces with his considerable combat training. So, he’s a tough guy, with complicated motivations, and a self-deprecating sense of humor? Oh, he’s also gorgeous with perfectly styled hair and bright, baby blues and dresses like some sort of Abercrombie model?  I mean, enough is enough… something’s gotta give with this guy.

So, you know he can keep you safe and protect you, and look very, very good while doing it. You know what that’s usually called? “Bada-Bing” and “Bada-Boom.”

Date with Drake: This is a complete no-brainer. Since he’s such a hard-working dude and likes to get away between life-changing and death-defying adventures, we’d lounge out on some tropical, barely inhabited beach. Literally, living in a Corona commercial, with the soft swell of every wave barely coming up to tickle our toes, fingers intertwined as we bask in the warm sun, staring into each others eyes, leaning in for that first, perfect kiss… Until, of course, some seemingly inconsequential sequence of events has us both swept up in the next of his grand adventures, where there’s death waiting at every turn and some bloodthirsty, unscrupulous power-hungry villain looking for a priceless object that only we can thwart. And he’ll save me, time and again, his along-for-the-ride damsel in distress… Oh, sigh…

5. Chris Jericho
Known For: WWE Superstar, Fozzy Frontman, Various Pop Culture Appearances

Just look at those arms. Those could definitely keep me from going anywhere. For a very long time. Like, all night.

The Mental Mastermind. The Man of 1,004 Holds. The Best In the World At What He Does. The Ayatollah of Rock-N-Rollah.

If nothing else, Jericho has always had a penchant for fantastic nicknames.

He’s also one of the most colorful personalities to come out of the wrestling world in some years, thanks in large part to a remarkable sense of humor and keen eye for current events. From his time in WWE to his stints on various pop-culture shows, such as I Love the 90s, to an appearance on Dancing With the Stars, Jericho is everywhere. It goes without saying that it takes a special sort of stud to move so seamlessly from place-to-place. How special? Oh, I can only imagine. Although, I suppose a dazzling smile and rippling muscles seem to have their benefits outside the ring. Like say, the bedroom? Oh, let a boy dream, would you?

What’s that? You need more? Well, even not taking the entertainment aspect of his career into account, he’s the front-man for up-and-coming rock band Fozzy that’s currently touring the world, and his charity work has won him numerous awards, including Manitoba’s Order of the Buffalo Hunt, an award so prestigious it’s only ever been awarded to five other human beings, including Pope John Paul II and Mother Teresa. That’s enough for me. Here’s to hoping he’s not just a kind soul behind closed doors, though.

Date with Y2J: Hockey game. No IFs, ANDs or BUT(T)s… Well… Maybe a few. We would definitely be hitting a hockey game to cheer the home team, getting rowdy and raucous with the rest of the fans surrounding us. The kicker? I would just so happen to “forget” my jacket, so he’s either got to give me his and show off those bulging muscles, or snuggle up close to keep me from shivering. After the game? More snuggling, for sure. Just snuggling.

Yeah. Right.

4. Chris Evans
Known For: Captain America: the First Avenger, The Avengers, Sunshine, Fantastic Four

I honestly cannot decide whether or not I think he looks better with his clothes on or with his clothes off…

Sure, he’s played multiple superheroes, but it wasn’t until he took up the shield that he became a mainstay of my spank ban–I mean, uh… One of my favorite actors? Yeah. That’s it. Favorite actors. That’s what I was going to say.

From Not Another Teen Movie to a leading role in the 3rd Highest Grossing Movie of All Time, The Avengers, Evans and his positively ridiculous bod have positively skyrocketed to the Top of the Hollywood Echelon, and with good reason. He had always been quite a hunk, with a killer, million-watt smile framed with sumptuous lips and picture-perfect teeth, but once he stepped out of the Vita-Ray chamber in Captain America, that was it. I was done. I may as well have thrown up my skirt and said… Well… You get the idea.

Date with Hunky McHappyTrail: Some sort of small, rowdy local bar with good local music playing. Wings and beer. What’s better to enjoy out on a date with a sexy-as-shit lady-killer?! And once the alcohol starts flowing, with the music cranking and the laughs roaring out, it’s basically in the bag. What’s that? There’s something on my lip? Oh, it’s “Ranch?” Sure it is, Chris. And why, yes, Chris. You can get it. But you aren’t allowed to use a napkin. Your move, big boy.

3. Michael Fassbender
Known For: Prometheus, X-Men: First Class, 300, Inglorious Basterds

If you say you don’t wish that were your hand on the GQ cover, then you’re a dirty, rotten liar.

Ya know, the first time I saw him? I wasn’t all that impressed. It was a minor supporting role in the Ultimate Man Crush Flick, 300, as Stelios, one of Leonidas’ 300 Spartans. Good movie, good role, but… I just didn’t see anything there. Yet.

The next time I saw him? He most certainly had more of my attention. It was another supporting role, in one scene, in the Quentin Tarantino film, Inglorious Basterds, where he played Lt. Archie Hicox, a bilingual officer in the English Army during WWII. He displayed fluency in two different languages in the film, which automatically put him way higher on my radar, if it hadn’t already been for that absolutely hypnotic smile and those perfectly formed pearly whites.

The next time I saw him, however, was the final nail on my coffin… I feel like there’s another joke in there, something about nailing my coffin… Anyway, his role as Magneto in X-Men: First Class was just the icing on an already decadently succulent, delectably scrumptuous cake. In addition to showing off more of those cold, steely blues than ever before, he showcased that he is actually fluent in three (read it again: THREE!) languages by belting out a bit of French. We also got to see him shine in a much bigger and deeper role than ever… Again, I feel there’s another joke in there somewhere, something about “much bigger and deeper?” I’ll let you guys be the judge, though…

Anyways, it’s just very safe to say that he grew on me, every time I saw him… Is that another one?! “…He grew… every time I saw him?” Gawd, I am on FI-YAH!!!

Date with Michael: He looks great in a suit, so I’m thinking a nice, formal, sit-down dinner at the most elegant restaurant in town. After that? A much less formal night out at the nicest, most exquisite dance clubs, where he can show off his moves while I swirl and dip in my low-cut dress. After the night out? A waltz back to his place. Why? Well, call it instincts, but I feel like once he gets a few cocktails in him (hehe, get it?), the gloves come off and he starts playing rough. And call it instincts again, but I feel like that’s just what I’m after.

What’s that? He speaks French? Oh, I forgot he speaks French! He could be slapping me around, cursing me up and down in la Français and it would still sound like poetry… My own personal symphony… All night long…

Ooh! La La!

2. Joseph Gordon Levitt
Known For: Inception, The Dark Knight Rises, Looper, 3rd Rock From the Sun, (500) Days of Summer, Brick, 10 Things I Hate About You, Roseanne

Just spread that on some toast. And serve it. To me. Now.

The absolute epitome of boyish good looks, he’s been swooning ladies ever since his teenage days, with girls crying over him since his time on 3rd Rock, and now that he’s into his 30s, things have only gotten better.

It’s not very often that you hear someone say, “the older he gets, the better looking he gets.” Robert Downey Jr. is one other instance you may hear this phrase uttered, but for my money, there’s not many fellas I’d say it about. I also don’t think there’s any doubt as to whether or not JGL’s meteoric rise to the top of Hollywood’s Upper Echelon also coincides with his growing, undeniably overwhelming attractiveness.

After enjoying success as a tv actor with roles on shows like 3rd Rock and Roseanne, he took a break from acting to focus on school, learning French and becoming a Francophile in the process, before returning back to the screen. He also made a conscious decision to “be in good movies,” and the rest, as they say, is history. The last couple of years, he’s been getting steamier and gaining steam by starring in higher and higher profile roles, starting with the indie-ish romantic film (500) Days of Summer opposite Zooey Deschanel, going on to a part in the Christopher Nolan film Inception, starring as the impeccably dressed Arther, opposite the steamy Leo DiCaprio. The biggest surprise of the film? JGL was unmistakably hotter than the decidedly smoldering Leo, himself. From there, playing a big part in The Dark Knight Rises basically sealed the deal, where his dark, mystifying eyes and gleaming, perfectly constructed smile continued to hypnotize us while he played each of his roles to perfection.

The bottom line here? He’s just one of the hottest guys there is. Period. And take it from me cuz I’m a straight dude myself.

Date with JGL: Easily the most romantic, gooey, sappy date on my list, being of such an artsy, French-obsessed background. So, where do we go for such a fun, idyllic evening? The amusement park! I’ll hang off his arm as we stroll around, feeding each other strands of cotton candy and fried dough. He’s a real cutie, though, and accidentally gets some on his nose, and I stare into those deep, dark eyes of his as I wipe it off for him. I’m blushing now, though, so I have to play coy and hard to get. We keep traipsing around, trying the various games like the Dunk Tank, Ring the Bell, the Balloon Dart Game. After he wins me a big, fluffy teddy bear, I finally spot what I’ve been waiting all night for. The Tunnel of Love! Do we kiss in the Tunnel? Oh, I don’t kiss and tell. Sorry, ;)

How do we cap the night off? How could we possibly make this night any better? A trip to the arcade! After he shows off how talented his hands are, he wins me a big, cuddly monkey! From there? Well, we hold hands, fingers perfectly intertwined, like it was meant to be, as we head home, where this Jewish Romeo can give his Juliet another big, cuddly monkey…

Oy vey!

1. James Hetfield
Known For: Front-man for Metallica, Being a TFBAMF
 
He’s famous for singing “Ooh!” and “Yeah!” in his songs. I’ll have him singing it, too, once the lights are out.

The Godfather of Thrash. The Fonz of Metal. The right hand of God.

He goes by many names, each more legendary and awe-inspiring than the last, and each one fully-deserved, being one of the most influential artists in one of the most influential bands of all time. Add in a 1-2 punch of winning smile and infectious laugh, magnetic personality, positively unrivaled determination and dedication, topping it all off with a great head of hair, and you’ve got the perfect dude for my coveted #1 spot.

The Het isn’t just the brainchild of the greatest metal band of all-time. He’s not just one of the most talented rhythm guitarists in all of metal. He isn’t just a fantastic, self-styled singer. He’s also just a cool-ass dude. Often referred to as “the Fonz of Metal,” James absolutely exudes an unflappable aura of cool at all times, even having a legendarily pleasant, and funny, disposition, despite his fire-y on-stage persona. He rolls with the punches, takes things easy, and just doesn’t sweat the small shit. It wasn’t easy getting to that point, though…

A very strict, religious upbringing and long-term battles with alcoholism and addiction got the better of him throughout a large portion of his career, on top of numerous brushes with death, including a horrific bus crash in ’86 that claimed fellow band-mate Cliff Burton, and a freak pyrotechnic accident that covered almost his entire left side in 2nd and 3rd degree burns. His dedication to the music and, especially, to the fans has always been noteworthy, however, being on-stage a mere 17 days after the freak accident. Also consider the fact that he once plowed through 6 weeks of physical therapy in 48 hours just to make a touring deadline. How many other artists have done that sort of thing? I’ll tell you. None.

He was finally able to conquer the demons of alcoholism in ’02 where, as shown in the award-winning documentary “Some Kind of Monster,” he entered rehab and has since been clean and sober, even describing himself as a “born again straightedge.” I mean, is this guy made for me or what? Anyways, since then, it’s been back to business for James, touring the world with his signature, cowling grin, awesome locks and newly-tatted arms… Wow… I’m really light-headed all of a sudden… He’s an easy Number One Pick, and I don’t even care what you think, cuz Nothing Else Matters! Yea-ah!

The hundreds of awards he’s accrued over his illustrious career seem petty in light of this latest accolade, and it’s with great pleasure I announce James Hetfield as my Number 1 Man Crush!

Date with The Het: Unfortunately, with the grueling touring schedule, I don’t think I’ll be able to snag this stud-muffin and keep him all to myself any time soon, but when the time comes… Well…

What can I say, that YouTube can’t say for me?

If only dreams came true…

———————————————————————————————————————————————————————————–

You’re feeling it right? That aura? That glow? How magnificent is that? Pretty great, right?

I thank you, again, for taking the time to read through my list, and I hope you feel as strongly about it as I do.

Also, make sure you check out Travis’ Top 10 Hollywood Man Crushes!

Then, check back tomorrow and make sure you catch the results to the biggest Man Crush Article… Ever!

Comments
4 Responses to “Totally Biased Top 10: The Man Crush, Anniversary Round II”
  1. Vivian Y. says:

    This time I threw up in my mouth a lot! OMG, it’s impossible to read without gagging!

  2. ashboyoyo says:

    Reblogged this on ashboyoyo and commented:
    HAHA! Funny, funny!

Trackbacks
Check out what others are saying...


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: