Totally Biased Top 10: The Man Crush, Anniversary Round I
Travis breaks down his Top 10 Hollywood Man Crushes… again
Roughly 13 months ago, Justin and I began to shoot the shit about starting our own website. It would be great. A ton of sports stuff, some top ten lists, and some great satire pieces. I will never forget where we were [driving to Justin’s house, across from Lib’s Ice Cream], and I revealed to Justin that I had this big plan for an article counting down my top five man crushes.
I was certain he’d look at me like I was crazy, and what scared me the most, is how he didn’t bat an eyelash. It made it so much easier to jump in feet first, and work on our first major piece together. After posting the link to the walls of our friends from school, work, and anyone else who didn’t want to throw up after just reading the title, we really got off to a hot start.
Well, 365 days, 107 articles, and over 20,000 page views later, I can finally give you, the general public, my best work yet.
Leonardo da Vinci had the Mona Lisa. Michelangelo had the Statue of David. Eli Manning had Superbowl’s 42 and 46, and most importantly, my own mother gave birth to yours truly.
And now, taking my rightful place in the kingdom, I have Man Crush: Anniversary Edition. My shining achievement.
Essentially, what I’m trying to say is, if you could imagine the single greatest contribution one human being could give to man kind, take it, multiply it by about fifty, strap some C4 on that bitch, and inject into it the finest Anabolic steroids known to man… The result? Justin’s list tomorrow ;)
Now, take that same contribution, multiply it by about a hundy, piss all over it, throw on some futuristic NASA jet-pack shit, launch it into the atmosphere, where it blows into a billion tiny pieces creating a light so spectacular that you’d think God’s only Son had made a triumphant return, and THAT my faithful reader… THAT… is what you are about to read.
I couldn’t ask for more from you, our fans. You put up with our incessant “tagging” on Facebook, and you’re always quick to give Justin and I feedback, whether it be at work, the street, or even the urinal [but really… that’s got to stop]. You guys are truly the reason we love doing this stuff.
Well… that, and the whole, sexy-guys-thing.
So now, with the impending apocalypse upon us, it’s time to spread the word! It’s MC3, bitches! Go tell your friends, text ’em, call ’em, post it on their wall, tape it above your local urinal, Tweet it, Instagram it, YouTube it, tattoo it on your goddamned forehead, I don’t care! Just spread the word and let us all bask in the warmth of an ambiguously homosexual glow! Ok, so… admittedly, not THAT ambiguous…
Totally Biased Top 10: Hollywood Man Crushes, by Travis Rand
When this entire saga began, Justin and I set some ground rules, with one of them being absolutely no vampire-werewolf teeny boppers allowed. I somewhat broke this rule with Somerhalder, who plays Damon Salvatore on the CW’s Vampire Diaries. The show has done incredibly well, and also has been rated highly by critics, with plenty of the praise stemming from Somerhalder’s growing talent. His philanthropic work is also very well documented, and he is about to launch his very own foundation. Sexy AND generous? Bing. Bang. Boom.
Date with the Bloodsucker: We meet at the local playground, and Ian is leading a discussion about the days activities. There are about 25 of us, and we are rebuilding the playground of a local school… for quadriplegic children. I know what you’re thinking. Why would handicap kids need a playground? BECAUSE IAN SAID SO. He helps me set up the swing, and then sits me down and pushes me oh so high. I am soon floating with the stars, flying through the universe <3
BOOM bitch, betcha didn’t see ol’ Johnny Legend comin, did ya? Of course not. Legend is best known for his incredible vocal talent that has led him to collect a whopping nine Grammy awards, all before turning 35 years old. With four studio albums under his belt, Legend is well on his way to becoming a… Well… Legend? Nah, too easy. He’s well on his way to becoming… Jesus… Usually I’m better at this… fuck it. HE’S BECOMING A LEGEND PEOPLE!
Date with Johnny: We’re in Radio City Music Hall, and I’m sitting in the front row with VIP ticket, all thanks to my caramel teddy bear. Legend hits the stage, and immediately makes eye contact with me. The spotlight comes on, and all of a sudden he’s grabbing my hand and pulling me onstage. Serenading me, I feel myself begin to cry out of pure joy. John wipes away my tears, and it feels as if a thousand angels are calling out from the heavens. This, ladies and gentlemen, is what love feels like.
8. Paul Rudd
Claim To Fame: Clueless, Knocked Up, Anchorman, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, I Love You Man
I’d pay good money to shag Paulie in that Brian Fantana costume… Halloween IS right around the corner ;)
Say what you want people, but Paul Rudd has that boyish charm that simply drives me Fantana’s-I mean, bananas. Talk about aging well, Rudd comes in at a ripe 43 years old, but looking good as ever. Many people saw Rudd for the first time in the film ‘Clueless’ playing opposite Alicia Silverstone, but it wasn’t until six years later, playing in the cult classic ‘Anchorman’ that I made up my mind. He’s one of the funniest guys in showbiz, and has a great smile to boot. You know how you know I’m gay? Ok, Ok, don’t answer that.
Date With Brian Fantana: I’m nothing but a hot blonde intern, working at KVWN-TV Channel 4 Evening News. Brian Fantana has just returned from a long day in the field, and looks distraught. Of course, my mini skirt could fix that NO problem. I grab him a cup of coffee before going into his office. He doesn’t remember my name, but I don’t care <3 I know the rumor is that Brian’s a virgin, but that simply can’t be true. Not with the way he acted that evening. I mean, I’m only through two surgeries of a planned six, due to injuries sustained during our rough session. I loved every second.
If anyone was tuning into the Channel 4 news that evening, I apologize for the… ummm… background noise. Well, I’m on my way to “Intercourse Island”. Bonjour!
Perhaps the most dignified, respectable, and most beautiful man to ever grace our list, ladies and gentleman I give you Denzel. And by give you, I mean, stare at him and wish he was yours, because this motherfucker is all mine, bitches. I’ve been in love with Washington ever since “John Q.” and “Training Day”. The guy kills it in every single movie he’s in. I have yet to meet a single individual who can honestly say that there isn’t at least ONE Denzel movie that they love.
Denzel has won a handful of awards, from Best Supporter Actor for his role in “Glory”, to Best Actor in the aforementioned “Training Day”, and is one of the most complete actors in the industry today. Very easy call to put Denzel on my list.
Date with Denny: I open the door and Denzel is in a crisp blazer, with his hand wrapped around a dozen red roses. He opens the door to the Mustang, and we small talk all the way to the restaurant. We fight over the bill, but Denzel doesn’t give in and tosses his black card on the table. A walk on the beach afterwards gets a little chilly so Denzel offers up his coat. The stars are perfect tonight, and the top comes off the ‘Stang on the way home. We get to my doorstep, and Denzel places a single smooch on my cheek. I think I’m in heaven <3
6. Jake Gyllenhaal
Claim To Fame: Donnie Darko, Zodiac, Brokeback Mountain, Day After Tomorrow, Prince of Persia
It took me a long time to warm up to Jake, but when I did, I knew I had been missing out <3
The Brokeback Mountain star probably should’ve been on this list a long time ago. I mean, he WAS in Brokeback Mountain. Joking aside, I had never been a real Gyllenhaal fan until rather recently. He often plays cold roles, that don’t allow him to flash his sexy smile, or droop those dashing blue eyes. My favorite movie of Jake’s, “October Boys”, is actually one of the few movies he’s been in where he’s really able to act like a kid again [probably because he plays a kid…]. He seems like a real down to Earth dude, and I know he’d treat me right. And if not, I’d stay with him anyway, because I’m into that shit.
Date with Cowboy Jake: As the sun begins to set, Jake walks out onto the porch holding a cold glass of lemonade. I put my book down, and he lifts me up in his big strong arms, and tells me he has a surprise. We get the horses mounted, and Jake is wearing nothing but a cowboy hat. Okay, okay… and some socks. We gallop off to a candlelit dinner underneath the stars, and Jake takes his socks off. But not the Cowboys hat. Yee. Haw.
Does it get ANY better than Derek Jeter?! Well, yes, four guys better, but who’s counting! A perennial superstar, on and off the field, Derek Jeter is always highly respected by teammates and opponents alike. Racking up over 3,300 career hits, Jeter has been one of the best shortstops to play the game of baseball. He’s also been one of the most heavily marketed athletes of our time and has as many product endorsements as Peyton Manning… Ok, maybe not THAT many, but it’s a lot!
Date With DJ: Walking through Central Park, arm in arm, Derek and I have just gone out for some frozen yogurt, and the sun is setting. Amazingly, we’ve done an incredible job avoiding the paparazzi, save for a few quick pecks that will be sure to end up on the cover of the NY Daily News. We stop and check out what appears to be a Little League game, and Derek puts his arm around me as we watch from the outfield fence. Next thing you know, a ball is crushed by some little 13 year old steroid pumping mammoth, and it’s hurtling straight for my beautiful, perfect face. Derek makes an amazing reach, and the ball is clutched firmly in his hand. Guess I’ll have to thank him later ;)
The younger brother of James Franco, my top selection from round two of the man crush series, Dave certainly earned his spot on this list. He played an arrogant douche for several episodes on Scrubs, and has evolved into playing a slightly less arrogant douche in the new comedy 21 Jump Street. The acting talent is there, that much is certain, and holy hot damn, so are the looks. That cold stare in picture 4? Gives me fucking goosebumps people… GOOSEBUMPS! Not to mention that smile, I mean god, that thing should be illegal.
Date with Baby Franco: I’m tempted to say comedy club, just so I could see Davey smile and laugh, and hopefully look at me halfway through a skit, just to stare into my eyes. We share that moment together, and suddenly nothing else even matters. An amplifier catches fire, and next thing you know, people are running for the doors and children are crying. But we sit there and just stare at each other. Our noses gently touch, giving me shivers. The fire is hotter now, and if we want to have any chance at survival, the time is now. When they finally snuff the flames out, and clean everything up, they’d find us there… our charred and destroyed faces just facing each other… Ahem. So… yeah. Comedy club.
3. Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson
Claim To Fame: WWE Wrestler, Race to Witch Mountain, The Scorpion King, Fast Five
Dark skin, a great smile, and biceps so big they could destroy me… in a good way of course ;)
When I was younger, I was a really big wrestling fan, and have just recently started to get back into it, only to fall out again. That being said, I still get goosebumps when The Rock makes his triumphant return to the squared circle [by the way, who the FUCK came up with that]. He has more charisma in his pinkie finger than most men do in their entire bodies, and hes so jacked that you just KNOW he does some freaky ass shit when the lights go out. As long as he snuggles me after, I’d love to be his rag doll.
Date with Rocky: I’ve gone over this in my head a thousand times, and I really can’t think of any guy on the planet who looks like they have more fun than The Rock. Plus, with a name like The Rock, you’re bound to find yourselves in plenty of desirable situations anyway. After going for a walk in the park, and sharing an ice cream cone, Rocky would take me to the local gym, and we’d hit the ropes together. Of course, I’d let The Rock win, just so he’d have to bone me. I mean, ummm, pin me. No I meant bone. No, no, I meant pin. Fuck it. I just want the Rock to love me <3
2. Zac Efron
Claim To Fame: Highschool Musical, 17 Again, Lucky One, and being so, and I mean SO god damn hot
Holy sweet mother of God, this man is just the epitome of God damn good, no, GREAT, looks. He’s just now hitting his prime, being 24 years of age, and Efron is primed to carry the torch for the young generation of Hollywood pretty boys. Efron hit the big stage after High School Musical, a Disney movie that seemed to take over the entire planet. Efron has always been an open book about his religion, claiming to have been agnostic for as long as he can remember. Well, you can bet he’ll have ME yelling the lord’s name at night ;)
Date with Troy Bolton: As we walk through the showroom at the Ferrari auto show looking for a new whip for Zac’s collection, I’m in a dreamlike state after spending such an amazing day with my boo. The showroom director tells us the show will be ending shortly, and once we’re out of sight, Zac shoves me up against the hood of a fire-red Ferrari. Whispering sweet nothings in my ear, my heart begins to melt… Grabbing the price sheet off the hood, Zac walks away with a wink. I’m riding shotgun tonight, bitches! <3
1. Shia LaBeouf
Claim To Fame: Transformers Trilogy, Holes, Even Stevens, Eagle Eye, Disturbia
I was going to insert a “Holes” joke here, but, I just… Can’t. IT FELT SO DIRTY.
HA! Gotcha, ya fuck. You thought, “Oh, Shia LaBeouf is Trav’s featured image. He must be #3 or #4, he won’t be his number one”. HOW YOU LIKIN’ THAT REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY! In reality though, I did have a nice Gyllenhaal image all fired up and ready to go, but I just couldn’t pull the trigger. Shia is just TOO great. Justin gives me hell sometimes, because I’ve told him time and time again, when I pick guys for this list, I ACTUALLY try and think about who I actually wouldn’t mind dating. That is either a really bad thing, or really good thing. I’m leaning towards good, but I’m probably alone on that side of the issue.
Shia has been one of the most surprising upstart actors of our time, coming from “Even Stevens” Disney channel fame, and rocketing himself towards star roles in the ‘Transformers’ trilogy, and the surprisingly great movie ‘Suburbia’. In his next film, Shia will finally break free of the “man” and do his own thing. Props to him.
“The Hollywood studios give you the money, then get on a plane and come to the set and stick a finger up your ass and chase you around for five months.”
Sporting a new full beard, Shia is really getting into his role for director Lars Von Trier, well known for being pretty fuckin’ crazy. He will be involved in non simulated [See: FUCKING REAL] sex with a costar for the film, titled Nymphomaniac, due out next year. Needless to say, I’ll be preordering tickets.
Date With Sam Witwicky: The local art exhibit is featuring some abstract art, and Shia casually calls me up and asks if I’d like to accompany him. After hanging up, I realize there’s a solitary tear rolling down my cheek. Tonight, it’s my time to shine. Shia pulls up in Bumblebee, or, whatever, and he’s speechless when he sees how much effort I’ve put into looking perfect for him.
After a stop for some coffee, we finally get to the art show. We talk about what we think of Picasso, and all the other greats. As the museum begins to close, Shia pulls a guard aside and slips him a benjamin. The lights go off as everyone makes their last rounds.
Next thing you know, I’m pushed up against a Basquiat piece, and being ravaged like an animal. Over the course of the next 30 minutes, I’m flipped upside down, thrown through a table WWE style, and finally, done right, just like a lady. Let’s just say, we could’ve used the security footage for “Holes 2: The Return of Big Shia” ;)
Too far? Yes? Good. My job here is done.
I know what you’re thinking.
It’s over now. All done. Train has left that station. The cannon has been fired.
Well, my good sir, thankfully, you are in for quite the treat. Tomorrow, my partner in crime, Justin, will be posting HIS Top 10 Guys He’d Go Gay For, and then on Friday, we will declare a winner with an entire article dedicated to the results of over 50 dedicated voters.
I really can’t thank you all enough for your continued support of the website, and I look forward to seeing what year two will hold for us here at Totally Biased!
Travis Rand is the genius mind behind the Man Crush series, and is a Communications Major at the University of Southern Maine. If you think he’s a legitimate homosexual, that’s ok, because GOD DAMN, he really is THAT good, isn’t he? ;)