Totally Biased NFL Picks: Week 4

Hello, dear reader and welcome to the Totally Biased NFL Picks: Kris Kauffman Edition. I’d like to apologize, dearly, for my untimely appearance to the weekly picks article. Then again, we all make mistakes.

Now that that’s out of the way. Lets get into the part where I totally rag on Trav. Travis’ introductions are about as interesting as fried bologna. So you can be thankful that I writing this week. I mean, who wants a Giants fan babbling on and on every week about how great New York is? Not me. Writing this introduction isn’t a privilege for me. It’s where I belong. It’s home. It’s where I put my head down at night and cry deeply. And if I don’t write this article and somehow I lose this week, then I promise to leave Travis an upper-decker in his man-throne.

Let’s get on with it, shall we? Actually, where do I start? Oh, yeah. I know now. These replacement refs NEED to go. You know it. I know it. Even your blind, great aunt Prudence knows it. Blown call after blown call, extra timeouts, one of the most controversial game-winning interception-touchdowns ever. No calls, phantom pass interference penalties, and even an unsportmanslike conduct penalty, on Ravens coach Jim Harbough, that even I didnt agree with. It’s gotten so out-of-hand that if Roger Goodell doesn’t do something soon the league’s credability will be in jeporady.

Another week of upsets is just what I like to see. Keeps things interesting, ya know? San Fran falling to the Vikes and Christian Ponder. The Lions losing in not-so-dramatic fashion. Arizona stomping on the Eagles. It’s a wonderful thing. But I cant for the life of me get over these damn replacement officals! Get’em OUT! 24 penalties were called in the Patriots-Ravens game. 24! 12 of those converted first downs and it seemed that after evey play I had to hold my breath, in fear of some bullshit PI call. The one only impressive thing about the Pats-Ravens game was the crowd’s syncronized “BULLSHIT” chant. Quite impressive coming from Baltimore fans.

A couple side notes about the Ravens game. First off, the way Torrey Smith played on Sunday Night was just inspiring. After losing his brother that day and to come out and grab 6 balls for 127 yards and 2 TDs is simply amazing. It’s on par with Brett Favre’s 4 TD game the day after losing his father.

Secondly, if I have to listen to another one of Ray Lewis’ “motivational” speeches, then I’ll drink some bleach or fist-fight a rattlesnake.  Ray Lewis is ancient and I didn’t see a single play Sunday Night that proves he’s still “got it”. He makes every game seem like the Super Bowl or Armageddon, but hey, whatever floats your boat right?

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The Leaderboard

Travis: — 30 – 18 — 62.5%
Kris: —— 24 – 24 — 50%

Lock of the Week: 2 – 1

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Thursday Night Throwdown: Joe Cool Takes on the Cleveland Richardsons

[Lock of the Week!]

Trav: Baltimore Ravens
Kris: Baltimore Ravens

Trav: All I want to see in this game is a Ray Lewis motivational speech. There is nothing on this planet I like more than proving Kris wrong. But he’s right. Ray Lewis is awful, and he’s totally lost it. I wonder where he was on Sunday night… Oh… Wait… He had ten tackles? Oh.

Wait, more tackles than anyone on the Pats besides Jerod Mayo? Get this guy out of the league. Totally washed up. If anyone on the Patriots defense had half the passion of Ray Lewis, Kris would be on his knees begging for it.

Oh. And, the Ravens win, and it’s our Lock of the Week.

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The Opening Slate: 1 PM Games

Trav: Houston Texans
Kris: Houston Texans

Kris: Houston is rollin’. They’re definitely the class of the AFC as of right now. Their defense has allowed the second-fewest points in the league, just 2 points more than the Cardinals with 42. Yes, you heard that right. The Cardinals. I think CJ1YPC will put up his usual 21 yards a game on 47 carries. Texans will improve to 4-0.

Trav: San Diego Chargers
Kris: Kansas City Chiefs

Kris: San Diego travels to Arrowhead with a 2-1 record to take on the Chiefs. You know why its a 1 o’clock game? Because no one cares to watch it. You could put this game on a Tuesday and the same amount of people would watch.. No one.

The Chiefs stole a game from New Orleans last week in dramatic fashion, coming from 18 down to stun the now 0-3 Saints. I think Kansas City gets back on the ball at home against the Bolts.

Trav: Atlanta Falcons
Kris: Atlanta Falcons

Kris: Matty Ice is playing like the best QB in the league and he has the numbers to prove it. 8 TDs to just 1 INT. 793 yards, a QB Rating of 114 and a Total QB Rating of 91.6. Those numbers are sick. If he keeps up this pace, then hes a shoe-in for MVP. Of course, you don’t actually think he’ll do anything in the Playoffs now do you? HA! Just kidding.

As for Carolina.. they’ve got bigger things to worry about. Like, where their running game went. 19th in the NFL in rushing? Most of those yards are from Cam Newton! Come on now, Carolina. Pound the rock. Matty Ice will finish off the first quarter of the season with another win and a schnazzy 4-0 record.

Trav: St. Louis Rams
Kris: Seattle Seahawks

Trav: Let’s play a little game of overrated, underrated.

Underrated: The Seattle Seahawks defense. They’re the second best unit in the league at stopping the run, and fifth overall. This team plays great football, and Kam Chancellor is one of the most underrated safeties in the game.

Overrated: Russell Wilson. His QBR is 34.7. I know QBR isn’t perfect, but it is without a doubt the closest thing we have.

If the Rams defense, which already has five interceptions, can get a couple off Wilson, I don’t really see them having a chance. Rams in a close one.

Trav: New England Patriots
Kris: New England Patriots

Kris: My beloved Patriots. If you lose this weekend I will surely dive into a deep, dark, brief depression. Not once in the Belichick-Brady era have the Patriots lost 3 games in a row. Although I think the Bills will give them some troubles early. Don’t expect TFB to let another game come down to a field goal. A blowout is just what the Pats, and I, need to prepare for Broncos.

[Hazard of the Week]!

Trav: Detroit Lions
Kris: Detroit Lions

Trav: The Vikings are coming off a huge win against the Niners, and the Lions are unsure if Pro-Bowl QB Matt Stafford will be able to play or not.

Wait, it appears I have some breaking news.

What’s that? Stafford’s bones are actually made of plastic, and his muscles paper-mâché? That explains EVERYTHING.

I promise you, this game is closer than everyone will think.

Trav: San Francisco 49’ers
Kris: San Francisco 49ers

Kris: The biggest upset of the week was the Niners being dismantled at the hands of the Vikings. The Vikings? Really? So much for that vaunted Niner defense! As for the Niner offense, putting up 13 points isn’t going to make you the cream-of-the-crop in the NFC. They’ll take on the Jets who barely squeeked out a win against Miami. A game in which they shouldn’t have won.

I don’t see the Jets sneaking by the Niners this week. Too much of the San Fran defense against a Jets offense that is pedestrian at best. 49ers should big by a few TDs.

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Afternoon Delight: The 4:15 PM Contests

Trav: Arizona Cardinals
Kris: Arizona Cardinals

Trav: People are still trying to figure out if the Cardinals are going to be legit contenders this year. Sorry Arizona, I just don’t see it happening.

The Cardinals should dispose of the Fins this year, but beyond that, I don’t see the Cards making a true playoff push anytime soon. This team desperately needs to find out who it’s “Throw To Larry Fitz” guy, um, I mean quarterback is.

Trav: Denver Broncos
Kris: Denver Broncos

Kris: Those Oakland boys stole a game from the Steelers, while the Broncos put up quite a fight, in a loss, with Houston. I’m not going to take anything away from Denver. Houston is probably the best team in the NFL right now. If not, they’re definitely Top 3.

Peyton Manning put up, well, Peyton Manning-like numbers. Tons of yards, 2 Tds and no picks. Cant ask for much more. I think Denver takes this game.

Trav: Cincinnati Bengals
Kris: Cincinnati Bengals

Trav: The Jacksonville Jaguars are just plain bad, and we’re lucky to get away with a win last week against Indy. Blaine Gabbert is running out of excuses, especially with Jake Locker and Christian Ponder both performing well.

AJ Green is just too god damn good, especially with Andrew Hawkins breaking out as a legitimate number two. Bengals cruise, even on the road.

Trav: Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Kris: Washington Redskins

Kris: Mr. Do-it-all, RGIII, posted up some pretty gaudy numbers last week against the Bengals. 12 rushes for 85 yards, 221 yards passing and 1 TD. The man puts up stats, but it’s wins that he needs.

Tampa only scored 10 points in Dallas, last Sunday and they’ll need to put up way more than that in order to stop RGIII and the ‘Skins.

I’ve got Washington takin’ it to the Bucs in Tampa.

Trav: Green Bay Packers
Kris: Green Bay Packers

Trav: Nobody in their right mind would’ve imagined these two teams being a combined 1-5 after the first three games of the season. But hey, that’s what happens when your coach sits on a couch on Sunday’s, and the replacements refs decide to bend you over absolutely wreck you. Yes. Wreck you.

That being said, the Saints have looked far worse than Green Bay. I think the Big Cheese will pull this one out, especially coming off of “Golden Gate”.

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Sunday Night Showdown: Eli Manning and Mike Vick battle yet again

Trav: New York Giants
Kris: New York Giants

Trav: Wanna know how I KNOW Kris really doesn’t pay attention to anything, and he really is just a drooling, neanderthal-esque moron? He said I babble about the Giants in my intro’s, correct?

I have mentioned the Giants three times in intros. I have mentioned the Patriots the same amount. I absolutely promise you this, you will never again see even a slight mention of the team from New England in my intro’s should I win again. EVERYONE BLAME KRIS.

Also, the Eagles are absolutely the most overrated team year in and year out. Twelve turnovers in three games and Sunday Night’s game against my beloved Giants. Giants eek out a close one.

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Monday Night Madness: Which overhyped and overrated team will win?!

Trav: Dallas Cowboys
Kris: Chicago Bears

Trav: You’d think there’s nothing Kris could do anymore to shock me, but he has. I can’t believe he’s actually taking Jay Cutler and the Chicago Bears. Feel free to quote me on this, and I’ll gladly eat crow if I’m wrong.

The Cowboys, on Prime Time, at home, against the Chicago Bears, will win by about ten points. There’s no way Chicago steals one in Dallas, regardless of how over-hyped both of these squads are.

Comments
One Response to “Totally Biased NFL Picks: Week 4”
  1. Justin Yattaw says:

    Not a big fan of some of your writeups, Trav. Not supposed to bash Kris in those, just the intros. That’s why he wrote the intro this week? Cuz you had egg on your face after last week? Just sayin’.

    Although, I agree he drools.

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