Totally Biased Top 10: The Dream Girl

Kris and Justin each break down a list of their Top 5 Hotties

It’s all your fault.

I wish it wasn’t.

But it is.

If you, dear reader, hadn’t made the Man Crush series such an overwhelmingly popular hit, whether by voting or simply voicing your opinions (again, thanks to all of our fans! Yeah, both of you!), then we wouldn’t have begun exploring other avenues for similar articles. By “similar,” we mean taking two lists of the five best of something and comparing them. This time out, however, I wanted to try to take a break from the Man Crush article, because… well… It’s more than a little… how do you say it…?

…Homosexual.

Luckily, my colleague in crime, Kris, has come to help me “straighten” things out, something Travis could never do, with our first ever Edition of Totally Biased: Top Dream Girls! I mean, let’s face it. We all know a beautiful woman when we see one. Some of us sneer, some of us swoon, from the Jennifer Anistons to the Betty Pages, they dazzle us with sparkling smiles, sumptuous frames, sexy curves, and saucy moves.

With that, it’s time to dive into this list that Kris and I have devised of the Top 10 Women we’d most like to win one night with! Just… try not to let your mind wander too much…

Totally Biased Top Five: World-Class Hollywood Hotties, By Kristopher Kauffman

5. Jessica Biel
Claim to Fame: 7th Heaven series, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry

        
Jessica. Wow. Obviously, she’s aging like fine wine. I’ll have a glass. Or the bottle..

Wow. “Wow” is an understatemnt with Jessica Biel. I remember long ago when she was on the show 7th Heaven, I always thought she was a very attractive girl then, but now. Watch out! This chick is definitely working it. One of her scenes with Adam Sandler in the movie I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry, where she strips down to her revealing undergarments,  really sealed the deal for me with Ms. Biel. She is slim, curvy and has one hell of a smile.

Date with Jessica: She definitely seems like she’s got her head on right. She knows what she wants and so do I. I’m thinking maybe a nice, quiet dinner to get to know her, and then maybe a long walk down the beach at night? Probably one of the more romantic girls on this list, pretty much anything cheesy yet romantic would get me some good brownie points with Jessica, ;)

4. Rachael McAdams
Claim to Fame: The Notebook, Wedding Crashers, The Time Traveler’s Wife, Sherlock Holmes

        
I’m at a loss for words. In a good way, Rachael. Let’s keep it that way.

Rachael McAdams. She’s from Canada, so that obviously means she’s hot. You know the Canadien’s make good stuff. Rachael is most known from her performance in the mushy chick flick, The Notebook. But, she’s also been in several other hit movies such as: Mean Girls, The Hot Chick, Sherlock Holmes and Wedding Crashers. With all these hit movies under her belt, there has got to be a good reason why! It’s not because she’s a talented actress or anything like that, it’s because she’s drop dead gorgeous! Okay, okay. Maybe she’s a little talented, but all that junk aside Rachael McAdams made my top five for a reason. There’s no denying it. She’s one of the sexiest women alive, and if it weren’t for the other 3 women left on my list she would’ve been ranked higher for sure.

Date with Rachael: Rachael definitely seems like a hometown girl, so fittingly a trip to her roots in Canada would have to be in order. Maybe we head to the local fair? I can win her a gigantic walrus or something? Of course, because chicks love walruses. Then we could feed each other some cotton candy and inevitably head to the ferris wheel to seal the deal.

3. Eva Mendes
Claim to Fame: Training Day, 2 Fast 2 Furious, Hitch, Ghost Rider, The Other Guys

        
¡Ay, caramba! All I can think about is her taco and how  she needs some sour cream.

Eva Mendes, again, need I say more? Eva is the oldest hottie on this list. At the divine, ripe age of 37, this mamacita is still one of the hottest women ever. Seriously, ever. And don’t listen to Justin either. His list contains nothing but fake breasts and red-heads. This chiquita is most notably known for her roles in 2 Fast 2 Furious, Ghost Rider and a very nice part in Training Day. If you’ve ever seen the movie, then you know what I’m talking about. In her early years, Eva inspired to be a nun. Luckily for us, that never happened. I mean, how else would we see her amazing… umm… eyes!?

Date with Eva: Okay. You’re me and you have a date with the incredible, so-fine, Eva Mendes. What are you going to do? Yup, you guessed it. Scuba diving! And in Miami no less. Things will get tropical for me and Eva as we explore the undersea floor and hopefully each other, ;) Maybe take a nice long drive after to dry off and hit Miami’s late night club scene. Then, it’s back to my place to unwind and “talk” as we finish the night off, the right way.

2. Stacy Kiebler
Claim to Fame: Modeling, Former WWE Diva, Dancing with the Stars

        
She’s a wrestler? How about she puts me in a figure-4 leg lock or maybe a head scissors? Too much?

This blonde bombshell got her start as a Baltimore Ravens’ cheeleader at the young age of 18. At the same time, Stacy was studying mass communication at Towson University where she boasted a 3.7 GPA. Not only is she super hot, but she’s got the brains to back it up. Got to love a woman that’s smarter than you! Anyways, Ms. Keibler, in 1999, got her start in the wrestling world when she won a contest to become one of WCW’s Nitro Girls. So that means Stacy Kiebler was juggling being one of the Nitro Girls as well as attending school and dancing as a cheerleader the for the Baltimore Ravens! Wow, just another reason to love this hottie.

Date with Stacy: This is an easy one. We’ll definitely grab some seats to Ravens game. Of course, I’ll have to give up all my pride to “root” for the hated Baltimore team. We’ll work on making her a Patriots fan in the future. Maybe buy her a hot dog and some nuts to snack on during the game. Too much? Nah. Later on we could hit up a night club where she can show me her dance moves she learned on Dancing with the Stars. The rest of the night should be history, if you know what I mean.

1. Amber Heard
Claim to Fame: Modeling, Never Back Down, The Stepfather

        
I want her ponytail to be the only thing she is wearing.

And then, there’s Amber Heard. There is not one thing you can say bad about this top-notch hottie. And no, she’s not Scarlett Johansson’s twin, although has a striking resemblance to her. If you like REAL women, then Amber Heard is the one. No one person on this earth can Justin come up with to top this drop dead gorgeous, work of art. I mean, really? Kim Kardasian? Really? I rest my case.

At 17, Amber Heard dropped out of her then school, St. Michael’s Catholic Academy, to pursue her career in modeling and acting. Great start right? She moved on to L.A. where she magically appeared in multiple tv shows and even Kenny Chesney’s music video for his song, “There goes my life”. Amber, in 2008, appeared in the hit movie Pineapple Express and kick-ass, martial arts action movie Never Back Down. One of my favorites. In 2009, my favorite top-notch babe appeared in horror flick The Stepfather. All scared and crying really brings out the sexy in her. Also in 2009, Amber Heard appeared in another one of my favorite movies, Zombieland, where she played a role as Jesse Eisenberg’s heart-throb turned zombie. Even as a zombie, she’s still way hotter than any of Justin’s picks of “whorendous” women. BURN! Moving on. Since 2009, Amber has appeared in movies like: The Rum Diary and Drive Angry.

Did I happen to mention she owns a .357 Magnum handgun and a ’67 Mustang? No? Well, she does. That makes her easily the hottest woman, by far, on the entire planet. Any disagreements will be taken as a threat to my life and I will deal with them personally. Or just Amber and her .357 to come hang out. Get where I’m going? Thought so.

Date with Amber: Done deal. In the bag. Piece of cake.

Totally Biased Top Five: Chicks That Are Really Effing Hawt, By Justin Yattaw

5. Kim Kardashian
Known For: Um… I don’t know…? A God awful reality series? Being stacked?

        
Nope. There’s nothing going through that mind of hers. And that’s just how I like it.

Dear God, what a way to start this list, huh?

Don’t worry.

It gets worse.

If you’re one of the three people living on Earth who don’t know who Kim Kardashian is, then I both applaud and envy you. For all rights and purposes, NONE of the Kardashians deserve any amount of the media attention they get, because of the simple fact that none of them have any talents. But, despite that, there’s a near constant media blitz for anything pertaining to any of them. Why? Well, as photos will attest, the Kardashian sisters are pretty easy on the eyes. At least Kim is, with a stoic, albeit somewhat expressionless, face, dark hair and eyes and an hourglass-figured body, she’s a prime candidate to combat the super-skinny, bumilia-enhanced models of today. In fact, I dare say there isn’t a bigger, more shapely rear-end on this entire list. Couple that with a, clearly, well-fed bosom and her blemish-free face? She could take down any sickly skinny model. Truth be told, she’s really nothing more than a model herself. One that is clever about keeping herself in a public spotlight that is absolutely rabid for more of her. One that makes home movies showcasing her… acting talent. Oh, who am I kidding? Talent? She really can’t do anything besides sit there and look good.

And ya know? That’s fine by me.

Date with Kim K: Well, this is an easy one. The date will be simple, too. I mean, all she has to do is show up to even the hottest, most exclusive clubs and we’re in. How hard is that? A nice, classy, super-expensive dinner at the newest, most elegant, ritzy restaurant in the city, followed by a night out on the town in the hippest, most popular clubs in existence. Arriving at each new location in a limo, of course. It’s almost too easy… The date is really simple, too. Hopefully we end up back at her sprawling, palace-like mansion to capture more of her… acting talents. Oh, Christ… I know… she can’t act for shit, can she?

4. Diora Baird
Known For: Wedding Crashers, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning

        
Diora Baird? Who? Doesn’t matter. Just call her “Black Eyes McGee.” Especially if she ever goes running.

You’re already noticing a trend, aren’t you? That’s right. Figures. These women have them. Unlike Kris’ list, the women on mine don’t have the bodies of 11-year old boys. Kris was always religious, and I think he said before he was interested in priesthood, so everything’s making sense now, right? Right.

That being said, there are very few women on this list with a more beautiful set of… eyes. Ok, ok, so I don’t really mean her eyes… I mean her… smile? Anyways, she was apparently an extreme introvert when she was younger, until her mother enrolled her in acting classes. After eventually becoming VP of her school’s Thespian Society, she moved to L.A. at the age of 17 to try to break into acting. She worked a slew of jobs, including as a caterer, as a clown at children’s parties, waitress and even a preschool teacher before her big break: an appearance in Wedding Crashers, and subsequent appearance on the cover of the August 2005 Playboy. Shwing! The rest, as they say, is history.

She’s made numerous appearances in smaller roles, smaller films, and on TV shows since then, which is unfortunate, because a woman like this deserves a bit more attention than some that grace the headlines. Angelina? Are you fucking kidding me?! Get that ugly bitch outta here! Diora is at least 18x the catch Angelina is, with her long, curly hair, full-figured, toned body and… well… that’s pretty much all she needs! I mean, Jesus, what does she feed those things?! Small Mexican children and runaway cattle?!

Date with Dubba D Diora: Figuring this date out is pretty tough. I mean, where do you take a girl with a diverse background, having worked so many different jobs? What do you do with a girl that looks the way she does? Oh… well, I guess I answered my own question. Hey, outta the gutter! I’m clearly talking about a shopping spree! That’s right, treat her to a nice, fun, easy dinner somewhere, followed by some window shopping through the mall, trying on outfits left and right, like a regular Ken and Barbie. There’s just really not much else you could do with someone who’s got experience doing so many different jobs. Hey, wait a minute… I’ve got a job for her…

3. Bryce Dallas Howard
Known For: The Village, Spider-Man 3, Terminator: Salvation, The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

        
I almost feel bad for making some sort of sexually-charged, innuendo-laced remark here… Almost…

Beautiful. Just absolutely, unequivocally, indisputably beautiful. That’s almost all there is to say about this fire-haired, green-eyed angel. And I do mean “angel.” Well, either that or “hippy weirdo.”

An almost unnaturally beautiful, red-headed actress that got her first big break in the God awful M. Night Shyalaman film, The Village, she’s since managed to land some pretty high-profile roles, including that of Gwen Stacey, Peter Parker’s fling in Sam Raimi’s Spider-Man 3, John Connor’s wife in Terminator Salvation, a stint in the Seth Rogen comedy 50/50, and as Victoria in The Twilight Saga: Eclipse, you’d be hard-pressed to find someone who HASN’T been graced by her presence before. She also comes with quite an impressive film pedigree, courtesy of her monumentally successful father, Ron Howard.

Wait, what?

That’s right. This saucy, red-headed lady is the daughter of… Opie. Fucking. Opie. Which, by extension, makes her the niece of Clint Howard. Try and wrap your head around that one, because I have, and I’ve still got nothin’.

Anyways, back to the ladies… For me, you can’t get much more for your money than a tall, red-headed, blue-eyed beauty, who just so happens to be completely straight-edge. So… basically, she’s hot as shit, and you don’t have to keep her on too tight a leash cuz she’s not going out and going overboard. Winning!

Date with Bryce: See, I was originally thinking some sort of nice, romantic night in, with a candle-lit dinner and a night of cuddling by the fire with a movie going, but… That shit’s lame! What can we do that’s not lame? Why, go to the zoo! That’s what! We’ll watch the monkeys chase each other around and throw shit at each other, and watch the elephants spray water all over each other and shit all over the place, and then we’ll watch the big, tropical birds squawk obnoxiously and… shit all over the place… Ok, so… Maybe a nice, quiet night in with dinner and a movie wouldn’t be so bad… Just gotta’ remember, though, she’s kind of a weirdo-hippy type, into all sorts of strange spirituality type stuff… Maybe it’d also be better if there were no talking. At all. Just sayin’.

I’m gonna’ go to prison.

2. Scarlett Johansson
Known For: Lost in Translation, Iron Man 2, The Prestige, The Avengers… Being really, really hot…

        
Yes, she gets a 6th picture. Why? Because she’s THAT fuckin’ hot!

ScarJo. What can I say that you don’t already know? Sexy, stylish, sensual and sophisticated. How sophisticated? Well, she released an album of Tom Waits covers, so she’s got style and taste in droves, to go along with those curves and deep acting talent. Which is what I really like her for: her acting talent… Ahem!

Being of both Swedish and Ashkenazi Jewish heritage, she’s got bits and pieces that have no discernible rights of going together, but somehow, they do, and thank Christ for it. With various, critically acclaimed roles under her belt, she was able to make a turn into the summer blockbuster realm of Marvel films, taking on the part of Black Widow in the Iron Man/Avengers franchise. And Dear God, the world has never been the same!

With all of her curves tightly hugged by the skin-tight leather suit she wears in the film, it certainly feels as though there’s very little to be left to the imagination, much to the delight of 13-year old boys across the world, whose newest celebrity crushes are all ScarJo. But, do you really need a reason to pick her over anyone else, besides the feature-perfect face, bright smile, beautiful green eyes, sumptuous, buxom curves or sexy, sophisticated personality? Ok, fine. She dated Ryan Reynolds. BAM! Sexiest. Couple. Ever. Fucking lucky bitch…

Date with ScarJo: There is literally NO wrong answer for this. She’s classy, chic and sophisticated, so you can go out for an expensive, entrepreneurial dinner, but she’s also just plain old sexy and fun, so I’m thinking an elegant jazz club, with tasteful, live music and good, soulful food to go with it. After that, a small trip down the boardwalk for an ice cream cone followed by a quick trek down the pier to relax and look out over the ocean. At this point, the deal is all but sealed, because, clearly, who can resist my animal magnetism? Certainly not a woman that’s been with… Ryan Reynolds… Shit.

1. Christina Hendricks
Known For: Mad Men, Drive, Life as We Know It

        
I don’t know what she does, how she does it, or when she does it, but I hope she keeps doing it.

Here it is. At last. The coveted Number One spot on my list. And who better than to fill that out, than the monumentally filled out embodiment of red-headed voluptuousness, Christina Hendricks?

Truth be told, I’ve never seen her act. I’ve never watched her perform. Never seen her on tv or in a film. I’ve only ever even heard her voice once when I looked her up on the Late Show or something like that. And ya know what? That’s enough for me.

I remember the first time I saw her, gracing the cover of Esquire magazine like the Goddess Aphrodite, with a low-cut black dress on, her curly, crimson locks cascading down over her shoulders and neck… And Dear God, if that isn’t a well-fed bosom, I just don’t know what is!

Most people know her from her role on Mad Men, I believe, but you may also know her from Firefly or the few movie appearances she’s made in recent years. The other reason you may know her, is because she’s fucking hot. With unmatched curves, a positively bursting bust, and hips that give her a truly hourglass figure, she’s been one of the most prominent poster-girls for “plus-size” beauty. Of course, the term “plus-size” is bullshit, anyway. Beauty isn’t something that can be classified or put into a sub-genre, just as Mrs. Hendricks can’t be contained. At least, in terms of her bra.

Ok, so, enough gratuitous booby-worship. Don’t want to take my word for it when I say she’s the hottest woman alive? A poll taken by strictly female readers for Esquire voted her the “Sexiest Woman in the World.” She also won Esquire’s “Best Looking American Woman Award” in 2010, so it’s not just me! It’s with great pleasure that I conclude my list of Dream Girls, capping it off with the Crown Ruby that is Christina Hendricks!

Date with Christina: Now… take a minute, imagine you’re me. You have one day with Christina Hendricks. Arguably the best bust on the planet. What do you do? No, no, no, I can’t type that here! Mind out of the gutter! Baseball! Cold showers! Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day!

Anyways, back to what we WERE discussing… What else is there to do with the Ultimate Motorboater than to go motorboating?! A trip out on the water for the day, enjoying the cool, crisp breeze, diving into the swell…? She can also jump off the boat, if you catch my drift? Oh, man! There’s another one! Two for one! ZING! So, a nice, relaxing day on the water, sunbathing, taking it easy, maybe even a little scuba-diving and spear fishing, ya know, so I can show off my spear, and lots and lots of motorboating. But, not too much sunbathing! I don’t want her to lose her fair complexion. That shit’s not easy to come by.

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Thanks for stopping by to check out the article, guys! It was a lot of fun to write, so we hope you enjoyed reading it as much as we enjoyed creating it! Make sure to let us know what you thought of our picks, and leave a your own picks in the comment box below!

Oh, and uh, about that whole sexual harassment thing? Yeah, please don’t report us? We’d really appreciate that…

And, since you’ve made it this far you MIGHT AS WELL vote using the handy-dandy poll… device… thingy.

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  1. […] ultimate playboy, and treat the most beautiful woman I could think of to a classy, elegant dinner. No, not Christina Hendricks! The original in voluptuous beauty, the mysterious and tragic Marilyn […]



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