Totally Biased NFL Picks: Week Three

Hello, dear readers, ’tis I, Travis, once again delivering the intro to our picks article. For the second time in as many weeks, I demolished young Kristopher, and extended my lead even further.

Many of you believe it’s too late, Kris will never be able to catch me. To those of you, I say this. Bravo, my good sirs and fine young ladies, you are indeed correct. But, just for kicks and giggles, why don’t we have ourselves another round, and just see how far I can really take this.

Week two was nearly as exciting as week one, with the Packers opening the action on Thursday night be Clay Matthews-ing the Bears. That means sacking, ladies and gents. Get it? Because he has six sacks already? Alright, forget it.

Sunday didn’t disappoint either, with the Giants, Dolphins, Bengals, Seahawks, Panthers, Colts, and Steelers are collecting their first ‘W’. 

Of course, writing this intro is an esteemed privilege, and one must cherish it. Here goes.

The Patriots lost on Sunday. Like, it looked awful. Horrible. This offense reminded me of a stinking hot pile of garbage, that has been sitting in a landfill overflowing with other hot piles of garbage.

For those of you who missed Stephen Gostkowski’s missed FG: Please, do yourself a favor and click here.

Now, I don’t consider myself a particularly mean person, and I don’t want Kris to totally ream me out, just in case he actually beats me soon, so Pats fans, before we get to our picks, I’ll leave you with a good taste in your mouth.

Here’s a particularly sexy looking picture of Mrs. Brady, Giselle Buncdchen. Seriously though. Smoking hot.


The Leaderboard

Travis: — 24 – 8 — 75%
Kris: —— 17 – 15 — 53.12%

Lock of the Week: 2 – 0

*Just to sum this up. I’m destroying Kris, we’ve nailed both of our “Locks” and our two Hazard calls [Green Bay/San Fran week one, Baltimore/Philly week two] were both spot on? Doesn’t get much better.


Thursday Night Throwdown: Eli(te) Manning vs SuperCam Newton

Trav: New York Giants
Kris: New York Giants

Trav: Seriously though, how funny was that! Can you imagine how many Pats fans clicked on that link, only to be heartbroken again by the Mario Manningham catch?! Holy crap, I’m good.

We don’t usually pick the Thursday night games, but screw it, I want to get my two cents in. The Giants have a brutal second half schedule, and need to get some W’s while they still can.

The Panthers lost to the Bucs in week one, and the Giants edged the Bucs last week. Hmm. So, we win right?



The Opening Slate: 1 PM Games

Trav: Cleveland Browns
Kris: Buffalo Bills

Kris: This game has the potential to be one our famed “Hazard” picks of the week, but then again its Buffalo and Cleveland. I’m 79% sure that this game isnt even televised.. Wait, Wait.. It actually is.

Honestly, what right-minded human being would want to cheer for the Bills or Browns for their entire life? Anyways, with Trent Richardson and Brandon Weeden showing up in Week 2 with stellar performances, albeit in a loss to the Bengals, the Browns have something to look forward to, just not yet. I believe the Bills with continue ride on the back of CJ Spiller and cruise to a victory.

Trav: San Francisco 49’ers
Kris: San Francisco 49’ers

Trav: This game is shaping up to be a big win for the Niners. Even though they have to travel to Minnesota for the game, they do so bringing the leagues most feared defense. 

It will be extremely tough for Adrian Peterson to get the ball moving for the Norsemen, especially if they find themselves in an early deficit, and have to abandon the run. Fantasy owners, if you have any option other than #28, play them instead. Purple Jesus has played the Niners twice, carrying the ball 33 times, for only 88 yards.

To break that down a little further, one of those carries went for 35 yards. That means the other 32 carries only went for 53 yards. Yikes.

Trav: Detroit Lions
Kris: Detriot Lions

Kris:  Gee, thanks, Trav. I get to write about how this is going to be a great game and the Titans are going to overcome the Lions and Megatron, right!? Wrong. Lions will roll over the Titans.

Trav: Washington Redskins
Kris: Washingston Redskins

Trav: I feel like this is one of many games this week that could certainly go both ways. At the end of the day, I just feel as if Washington is taking a big step forward, and will be able to contain Cincy.

AJ Green lost Jerome Simpson as a counterpart this year, but Andre Hawkins and Brandon Tate have both stepped in nicely. If the Skins can contain Green, I think they’ll get a big win at home, which will be key to keeping up in the NFC east.

Trav: New Orleans Saints
Kris: New Orleans Saints

Kris: I guess as a part of losing the previous two weeks Travis is punishing me by giving me these games. I admit, I thought KC was going places this year. I was wrong. I also used to think Trav was funny.. Okay, okay.. I NEVER thought he was funny. I lied. I think the Saints will get into the Win column this week.

Trav: Miami Dolphins
Kris: New York Jets

Trav: I went back and forth a lot with this game, trying to figure out if Reggie Bush and Ryan Tannehill would really be able to get it done at home, or if the Jets would come out strong after a disappointing loss, and flex their muscles down at SunLife Stadium.

I’ve had some gutsy calls this year, and I’m going with another one here. I think the Fins can pull this one out.

Trav: Indianapolis Colts
Kris: Indianapolis Colts

Kris: The Jags have not had a great last couple weeks. A demoralizing loss to the Vikings in week 1 and then getting crushed by the Texans at home really doesnt help the spirits. Andrew Luck impressed against the Vikes in Week 2 with an outstanding performance going 20/31 for 224 yards and 2 scores. Mr. Luck should continue to impress.

Trav: Dallas Cowboys
Kris: Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Trav: Tony Romo might not be allergic to peanuts, bees, or specific dryer sheets, but the one thing that he is allergic to, is winning in Seattle. After taking an L last Sunday, Romo is out to prove that his budding contract talks with Mr. Moneybags Jones are legitimate.

The Bucs played their asses off this week against the Giants, but I feel like two road contests in a row will prove to be too much. Dallas bounces back with a victory.

Trav: Chicago Bears
Kris: Chicago Bears

Kris: Chicago is going to come out swinging against St. Louis this week. After getting embarrassed by the Packers on Thursday Night Football, ‘Da Bears’ will need a win this week in order to hang with Green Bay and Detroit. Expect Jay Cutler to put up Jay Cutler-like numbers.


Afternoon Delight: The 4:15 PM Contests

Trav: Philadelphia Eagles
Kris: Arizona Cardinals

Trav: I have to admit, I was actually baffled that Kris took the Cardinals in this game. Even with the Black and Red striking down the mighty Patriots, and Michael Vick struggling with turnovers, I see no way that ‘Zona wins two in a row. The Philadelphia defense is playing out of their minds.

If the Cardinals are lucky, they’ll only lose by ten. If things get out of hand, that number could grow to three or four scores.

Trav: Atlanta Falcons
Kris: Atlanta Falcons

Kris: Matty Ice and the Dirty Birds are the real deal this year. Having play-makers like Roddy White and Julio Jones to throw to every week really makes life for Mr. Ryan a bit easier. San Diego looks pretty good as well with both teams boasting a 2-0 record.

Of course, San Diego always looks good for the first 8 games of the season. When was the last time this team made the playoffs? They only have a shiny 2-0 record because the Chargers haven’t faced an actual NFL team yet. I mean, do the Titans and Raiders really count?

Trav: Pittsburgh Steelers
Kris: Pittsburgh Steelers

Trav: The Steelers are uncharacteristically flying a bit under the radar this year. They played Denver tough in an opening weekend loss, but pretty much manhandled the Jets down the stretch.

It only gets easier this week, as the Steelers will travel to Oakland to take on Carson Palmer and his duck-tossing ways. Extremely tempted to take a lock of the week here, but I like to stay away from the road teams if at all possible. Pittsburgh reaches 2-1 with a victory.

Trav: Houston Texans
Kris: Houston Texans

Kris: If Tom Brady and my beloved Patriots weren’t playing the Ravens on Sunday, then this would definitely be the game of the week.

Houston is demolishing their opponents. Outscoring the Jaguars and Dolphins to a combined 57-17. A 40 point spread in just two weeks. It takes the Steelers 6 games and 697 rushes to score that much.

Arian Foster is on his game this year and I can’t see him stopping anytime soon. Texans win.


Sunday Night Special: The Brady Bunch vs Ray Lewis and Co.

Trav: Baltimore Ravens
Kris: New England Patriots

Kris: Despite being down for most of the game last week, against the Cardinals, the Patriots defense still put themselves in a position to win the game. Yes, you heard that right. The Patriots DEFENSE. After losing the uber-important stat-stud in Aaron Hernandez, the Patriots will be hurting on offense for a few weeks or more. The Patriots signed his replacement and troubled TE, Kellen Winslow Jr. to the active roster. The Pats also signed on a little well-known wide-out in Deion Branch. You may have heard of him.

All you hear about is the Ravens defense. The Ravens Defense, Ray Lewis, the Ravens Defense.. How about a couple defensive stats for you?

The Ravens are allowing 275 yards passing over the first two weeks, good enough for 27th in the league. They’re also allowing a horrid 129 yards rushing per game. That’s 20th in the NFL! Those are pedestrian numbers for a team built on their D.

To make matters worse, the Patriots are 8th in the league in Passing offense and 9th in the league in rushing. Oh, and New England’s defense? Ranked 7th against the pass and 5th against the run. Put that in your pipe and smoke it.


Monday Night Football: The Pack Attack head West

Trav: Green Bay Packers
Kris: Green Bay Packers

Trav: You know the difference between Aaron Rodgers and Tony Romo? Allergies. The Packers will control this game from the get-go.

Memo to Russell Wilson: See number 52? Run. Away.


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