This Week’s Totally Biased Tidbits: Overrated Holidays, High Hopes for the Pats, Dirty Ex-Senators and Much More

Another week’s look at some completely random happenings and issues, from one of the evil geniuses at Totally Biased

Well, ladies and germs, it’s time to once again rejoice! The Holidays are over, the Pats are in the playoffs, and the caucases are in full swing, and yours truly, the bearded Wonder, has returned with another set of Totally Biased, Totally Random tidbits, concerning everything from… well… the Holidays, to the Pats, to the caucases… Shit.

Anyway, before we waste any more time, let’s get down to the brass tacks here, because a few of these things have got me more than a little pissed off, while other just have me completely worried, and while none of them really matter even in the slightest, I still think they deserve an entire article, all to themselves!

Wait, what?

Merry Christmas, ya filthy animal! *gunshot* …and a Happy New Year!

 Bah. Fuckin. Humbug.

So they tell me, time and again.

You know those people that have their Christmas decorations out the day after Thanksgiving? The ones who go way overboard and get the coordinated, blinking lights that flicker on and off in perfect synchronization? The ones who do all of their Holiday cooking ahead of time because they’re having a huge Christmas party at their house?

Aren’t those people fucking annoying?

I get that it’s nice to be spending time with your family during the Holidays, which is what holidays are all about, but do people REALLY need to get so swept up in the Holidays?! These types are generally only good for bringing out into your backyard, tying them to a tree, and having them act as your temporary target practice. It’s a safe bet that you should probably avoid anyone who gets too excited about a ridiculous Holiday. Why? Two very important reasons: these people are either completely shallow, talentless idiots who get excited about all sorts of ridiculous shit that no one else does, and are therefore on the Avoid-At-All-Costs list because someone lame and bland enough to be excited about a Holiday like Christmas or New Year’s, is not the kind of person you want to be spending any sort of copious amount of time around. The other reason? Well, if they aren’t genuinely excited about it, and are faking their excitement, then they’re clearly fucked up in some totally different capacity. Why would you fake something like that? That’s just as lame as actually being excited. If not more lame.

I can guarentee you that these same assholes were the ones who would act totally wasted at parties after having one beer.

High Hopes for the Pats

Dear God, I swear I get a "semi" every time I see this picture!

Well, this is familiar territory. Perhaps too much so. The Patriots have won 9 of the last 11 AFC East (Thanks, Trav) Championships. They’ve won 3 of the last 11 Super Bowls, the last one coming 8 years ago. Some would say, “Jesus, you’ve had it pretty good!” And while I totally agree, what’s there to keep me from wanting more? My dignity? Fuck that! There’s no dignity in blind fandom. I want the Patriots to win the Big One. I want White Wes to win a ring. I want my beloved Pats to be the best. What kind of fucking moron would root for their team but think another should be the best?

If you answered, “the kind that cannot even exist,” then there may be hope for you yet.

How did I get to be so greedy, though? Well, that’s easy. The last few years, starting with the historic 2007 campaign, the Patriots have consistently been one of the top-ranked teams in the league, but have fallen short of the Championship. And while I know, as a Pats fan, I’ve had it easy the last decade, it’s just that knowing your team could be performing better when it matters most, i.e. laying a big ol’ stinker in their first playoff appearance of the post season (a la our last two post-season appearances), is even more frustrating than them just sucking outright. Because when a team is God awful, you can just chalk it up to them being awful. When your team is GOOD, and they play like shit? That just sucks so much more.

Bearing that in mind, Let’s Go, Pats! 

"What do you mean I "can't leave the field to go defecate?! This is ridiculous! Oh, it's cuz we're already so shitty? Well... Why didn't you say so?!

…Not So Much For the Bolts

Norv Turner gets to keep his job.

You can almost hear a collective sigh from all across San Diego.

Here’s to Turner continuing San Diego’s mediocrity.

Rick Santorum: Don’t Google It

I have strived, very actively, to keep myself from getting involved in today’s political trappings. I have my own opinions, and I’m sure I’ll be voicing them at some point, but I don’t feel as though any politician is really working in my best interest, my country’s best interest, or even any best interest besides their own. I haven’t stayed updated on who will be running for office this year, and I don’t care to, because I won’t be voting. Why? Because either way, someone will be elected who will turn the country to shit and make us all just a bit more worse off. It’s inevitable. Republicans will tell you it’ll be the Democrats, Democrats will tell you it’d be the Republicans. But, the truth? They both work out of greed and both will point the finger to the other. They all suck.

My money says, "you can't look like more of a douche bag than this guy." Period.

That being said, there’s one name in the race for Presidency that I simply cannot ignore. And whether you know it or not, it’s for a far more fenarious reason than you could ever imagine. Just trust me when I say, “There is NO. FUCKING. WAY. Rick Santorum could ever, EVER be President.” Let’s dissect this for a minute: his given name is Richard John Santorum. As we all know, another name for someone named Richard is “Dick,” and another name for someone named John is “Jack.” We could have a President whose name, technically, could be “Dick Jack.” And that’s not even the worst part! I won’t even get started on his last name!

Don’t believe me?

Google it, and see for yourself.

Now, can you imagine our country being led, for four years, by “Dick Jack Santorum?”

God help us all.

Movie Mini Review: Cowboys and Aliens

Let me start it off by saying that this movie was not at all what I was expecting.

At it’s heart is a decent Western story, about a dude who doesn’t remember anything. He wakes up in a place he doesn’t remember getting to, doesn’t remember where he came from, and has a large, strange shackle on his wrist, which he doesn’t remember being attached to him. The Western side of the story isn’t REALLY anything to write home about, as any Western is only as good as the archetypes that populate it. What helps, however, is the authenticity. Not of the sets and dialogue, but in the atmosphere. The Old West was NOT a nice place to live, where racism and bigotry were rampant, where those who were above the law freely terrorized those who were held back by it, and where men without mercy were the only ones who made a name for themselves. In this regard, the Western aspect of the story shines quite brightly, and is able to carry the rest of the film’s story.

The other half of the film is a sci-fi extravaganza, fueled by an interesting take on a monster movie. This portion of the film feels like the more prevelant one for the 2nd and 3rd acts, where typical, tense moments and cheap scares populate much of the onscreen action. Unfortunately, I felt this part of the film, however interesting and inspired the monster design may have been, was the weaker part. The director, Jon Favreau, and the mostly great cast, including the sensual, sexy and steamy Daniel Craig, legendary Harrison Ford, terrific Clancy Brown and ALWAYS good Sam Rockwell all play their roles with great enthusiasm, keeping the performances straight, rather than tongue-in-cheek and turning the film into a silly camp-fest. If not for these strong performances, the film probably would’ve been much, much less watchable.

While my expectations had me a little shaken when I finally got to see it, don’t go in expecting something totally silly. It’s an interesting idea, one that makes for a thoroughly entertaining movie night. Just be prepared for it to be a little scarier and jumpier than you may have initially suspected.

In Conslusion…

Well, that wraps up another edition of Tidbits. Hopefully you found something worthwhile in this week’s edition. And if you didn’t? Well, that’s just too bad. Try back next week.


3 Responses to “This Week’s Totally Biased Tidbits: Overrated Holidays, High Hopes for the Pats, Dirty Ex-Senators and Much More”
  1. Travis Rand says:

    “Well, this is familiar territory. Perhaps too much so. The Patriots have won 9 of the last 11 AFC North Championships.”

    Wow. Let me know when you figure out what division your team is in…

    • Justin Yattaw says:

      Travis. No one is perfect.

      In fact, the only reason I did that was to see if you even read my pieces, because for a while, I’ve been pretty convinced that you don’t.

      So there.

  2. Vivian Yattaw says:

    Hate politics, hate the Pats, hate the holidays, I thought the movie was entertaining. Definitely not an Academy Award winner, but in all honesty I rarely like those anyway. Any movie with Daniel Craig, Ford, Brown and Rockwell (oh, and don’t forget Kickin’ Wing) is all right in my book. I agree with you Justin, I went into this movie expecting absolutely nothing and was pleasantly surprised by the story and lack of cheesy. Hope others will give it a chance.

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