A Totally Biased Feature: The “How-To” on New Year’s Resolutions

A quick look at five popular New Year’s Resolutions and how you can finally succeed at them

The room is dim. You stand amidst everyone else at the party, all eyes completely fixed on the screen, totally motionless save for calling out the numbers as the time counts down, seeming much slower than time actually is. From three minutes, down to two, finally to one, as the seconds fall off the clock, nearing the end of the countdown. The seconds crawl by, every one of them seeming twice as long as it normally is, as you finally see it: 10… 9… 8… you tense up, ready for the moment you’ve waited 365 days for… 7… 6… 5… what’re you going to do over the next year? 4… 3… 2… well, you know just what you’re going to do! And this year? It’s going to be different! 1… Yeah, right… 0…

Look familiar? Course it does.

“Happy New Year!”

Sound familiar? Of course it does. It’s what we all do, at the same time, every year, without fail. We promise ourselves to change the way we do certain things, even just one thing. And what do we do, year after year? We fail. Well, at least, you fail. Me? Not so much.

You see, here at Totally Biased, we consider ourselves the cream of the crop, the top of the shelf, the best of the best. And bearing that in mind, we really feel we’re above a lot of the trivialities that most of you common folk partake of. And, bearing that in mind, as well, we really don’t feel as though we’re above talking down to you for being a part of all those… trivialities. Wanting to be a better person? Please. Wanting to shed some weight? Oh, get off it. Promising yourself to that vacation? Wow. Ok, Greedy McStingypants.

We all promise ourselves something at the start of the new year, and less than 12% of us actually keep that promise. If you ask me? That’s kind of sad. So, I decided to take it upon myself to try to give you a hand in getting started with successfully picking and choosing a New Year’s Resolution for you! Following the disclaimer is a list of some of the Top 5 most popular New Year’s Resolutions, each followed by a way to succeed at that particular idea. It’s ok, it’s ok. I know. Thank me later.

Let me start off by saying in no way, shape, or form, am I a doctor, physician, psychiatrist, or medically trained person, and anyone who actually attempts to adhere to these rules, guidelines or suggestions or abide by them and ends up hurting themselves in any way, is not my responsibility. Don’t be a retard. This is satire, not a medical journal.


"Very niiice!" Except, if he met you, Borat would think you're an asshole.

5. Improving Your Character

Maybe you’re under a lot of stress. Maybe that makes you an insufferable grump. Maybe you’re a disorganized mess. Maybe you watch too much television.

All of these things fall under this category.

If you’re what most people would consider a “waste of skin,” then more than likely you’re taking one of these things as your resolution. You’re constantly in a bad mood because you hate your job or your S.O. makes you crazy and you take it out on everyone around you. You’re never on time to any appointments or work because you can never remember when you were supposed to be there or because you don’t give yourself enough time to be there when you’re supposed to. You don’t have any hobbies, talents or skills, so you rot away in front of the television when you aren’t rotting away in your cubicle.

These don’t make you a bad person. They just mean no one likes you. For some people, that’s perfectly acceptable. We all know someone like that. They don’t care, or notice, that they’re a veritable vampire, sucking the life out of everyone around them when they’re around. And if they’re cool with that, then rock on. Keep wasting away, 40 hours at a time. No sweat off my sack. If you’re one of those people that aren’t cool with it, then luckily for you, all you have to do is read on.

How to Succeed: The problem with most of these types is they just don’t like to shoulder any sort of responsibility for the way they are. They’re always grumpy? Well, that’s because their S.O. and them are fighting. They’re never on time? Oh, it was traffic’s fault. No talents, skills or hobbies? Well… they’re not dumb, they just don’t have time to learn anything… because they’re too busy watching tv every night…

Most of these types just don’t realize that while they’re the biggest part of the problem, they’re also their own solution. Take charge, get shit done, and be a fuckin’ adult! That’s all it is. Either work things out or break up with that asshole that’s upsetting you, and stop being such a wretched douche bag all the time. Leave 10 minutes earlier for work. Read a book, find a craft, do something besides sit in front of the tv. How hard is that? Really?

God, I can’t believe people need to hear this sort of stuff.


This could be you. If you weren't so pitiful. And unattractive.

4. Improving Your Welfare

Hate working 40 hours a week? Hey, who doesn’t? The way I figure it, if you aren’t a firefighter, an astronaut or a vampire hunter, than you’ve probably sold out and aren’t doing what you dreamt of doing when you were a kid. That’s just facts.

Another fact is that, unfortunately, because we can’t all be pampered movie stars and larger-than-life rock stars, the rest of us have to work away our fleeting lives. That’s just sad, simple facts. But, it doesn’t mean you have to dread going into work every day or completely hate your job. In fact, quite the opposite. These days, having a job and some sort of income is reason enough to rejoice. And if you do have a job, try to not be ungrateful for what you have, because I can guarantee you that there’s someone out there that would work just as hard as you for less than what you’re making.

And no, I don’t mean a Mexican. Racist.

How to Succeed: Ever hear that saying, “football’s 90% mental, 10% physical?” Well, for football, it’s complete bullshit. For this? Not so much.

Instead of being upset that you have to work and going in with a negative attitude, try to focus on what’s good about it: you’re only there for X-amount of time. You don’t have to spend all day and night there. You’ll be home eventually. And you can do whatever it is you want then. It’s all about attitude.

I recently had an epiphany myself and realized that while I don’t necessarily adore my job, I accepted that it’s not as bad as I sometimes make it out to be, and lately? It’s been a lot easier going in… that’s what she said… Sorry! I couldn’t help myself!

The other side of this coin? If you do, you really do, hate your job then tough shit. Quit and go flip burgers if it’s that awful.

Hey, I said I’d try to help, not hold your hand.


This would fix everything. Even you. Well... maybe not you.

3. Helping Your Fellow Man

The path of the noble and righteous, who knows they’re more well off than some of the denizens populating our city and streets. Someone who’s worked hard, earned everything they’ve gotten, and has kept it all to themselves. Greedy, stingy bastards. So, they decide to be more giving, and help the more needy. How? Well, who the hell knows? Maybe they decide to leave change in those little change bins at cashier counters. Maybe they decide to donate something they don’t use anymore. Maybe they decide to volunteer at some point. I really couldn’t say. What’s dastardly about this resolution, however, is that it usually goes hand-in-hand with them taking advantage of their built up wealth and treating themselves to that vacation they didn’t get to over the last year. So, which is it?

Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but you gotta commit here. You’re gonna be both more selfish and more giving? What the hell? No one cares if you’re a stingy doucher that’s hording every dollar you’ve got and that you’re going to take that dream vacation. In fact, I think that’s awesome! I wish I could do the same. But, don’t do so if you’ve made a decision to be more giving and help out those in need. Because then all you’re doing is rubbing it in that you can afford to do the things you want while no one else can.

And that’s just douchey. Straight douchey.

How to Succeed: Well, for starters, not being such an hypocritical sock-sniffer always helps. If you’re going to help others out, do it. Don’t desperately attempt to shower yourself with lavish luxuries then turn around and donate to some cause that’s trying to help others. Cuz then you’re just half-assing it, and pissing me off. And you don’t want to do either. Trust me.

Want a practical reason not to behave like that? Consider the fact that you’re spending twice as much. Either spend on yourself or on others. Because if you spend on both then you’re loving twice as much.

And that’s just off the top of my head.


No. Really. You're so cool. And I really, really respect you. A lot.

2. Quitting a Bad Habit

Do you drink too much? Maybe you swear a little too often? Are you a smoker? Perhaps you’re just impolite, and burp in public or interrupt people while they speak?

Whichever the case may be, any of them will land you this New Year’s Resolution. You may be a selfless, caring, understanding, sweet, sentimental, centered, well-balanced person, but there’s something about you people can’t stand. We all know that one person with that disgusting, wretched habit. And if you don’t? Chances are, you’re that person with the raunchy tendency. And let’s just be on the safe side and say you are that person.

Quitting a habit, particularly a bad one, can be especially difficult due to the concentration and focus it requires. Generally, there’s only one thing that requires more discipline and focus, which we’ll be getting to shortly, than quitting something like smoking or changing your colorful vocabulary. And although someone who suffers from multiple bad habits (I know a few people right off the top of my head that do), getting a head start on quitting at least one of them this year will hopefully make you a bit more likable.


Just don’t quote me.

How to Succeed: Again, the football saying pertains in a very strong way here: 90% mental, 10% physical. Every one of these bad habits is the consequence of a conscious decision you’ve made. If you smoke or drink a lot, then it’s all about discipline and consciously making the decision to not do those things anymore. It’s the same for being a revolting pig: say, “excuse me,” if you can’t bear to hold in a belch, and let someone finish speaking before you do or apologize for interrupting them.

It’s not hard. Just quit being such a fuckin’ asshole all the time.

Again, want a practical reason to do any of these? Well, if you’re a smoker or a drinker, let’s say you spend $5 a week on butts and $10 a week on booze, which is a very, VERY low estimate. If you cut back on smoking altogether, and drank only every other week, you’d end up saving $260 on cigarettes and alcohol alone. $520 is a lot of money to a lot of people. That’s half of a vacation right there.

Really, though. Just quit being such a fuckin’ asshole.


Yeah, really, it's the shirt we're all laughing at. Honest.

1. Shedding Some Poundage

Who doesn’t want to look their best? The simple answer? Only people who don’t look good. Ever.

I think all of us, at some point or another, have tried to set the New Year’s Goal to lose some weight, or start exercising, or to stick to that diet we said we would. This resolution is exacerbated by the fact that it’s the end of the Holiday season, and after gorging ourselves at Thanksgiving, we spent the next month stressing over Christmas and, more than likely, seeking comfort in a bag of something deep-fried or a package of some sort of confectionary treat. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, we all do it. But, when it’s nut-cuttin time, you decide to buck up and lose the gained weight.

Only problem is, you don’t. Why? Well, there’s a number of reasons. I don’t want to say, “you’re a weak-willed peon,” or “you’re a failure,” but you’re kind of… well… a weak-willed failure. This, more so than any other resolution, always fails. And it’s generally your fault, because you couldn’t stick to it. Not to rub it in or anything.

But, luckily for you, I’m here to help you make sure that, this year, it sticks.

How to Succeed: The problem most people have with this resolution is that they’re either vague or unrealistic. I would love for it to be true that you’ll “lose some weight, get into shape and become a perfect size 2,” but it’s just not in the cards, not with the way you’ve been into the cookies. Instead, be reasonable. Keep the goal manageable. Maybe set a goal of one pound per week. Cut out something from your diet you know you shouldn’t be eating. Keep it simple, and take it in baby steps. It takes a very exceptional individual to lose the 70 pounds they’ve always wanted to over the course of one year. Hardly any of us are that exceptional. Especially not you.

As an example? I set a goal for 2011 to stop ordering a “large” when I went through the drive-thru. Have I? You’re damn skippy I have! Has it made a difference? I don’t really know. I don’t track my weight obsessively like other people do. So, maybe instead of dealing with this resolution altogether, you should just accept yourself for what you are and be happy you’re even alive. You fought an entire civilization’s worth of your father’s sperm to fertilize your mother’s eggs. That’s pretty crazy when you think about it. And awkward, I know.

Try just being grateful. For once.

Oh, and Happy New Year.

One Response to “A Totally Biased Feature: The “How-To” on New Year’s Resolutions”
  1. Vivian Yattaw says:

    Love the article, hate people who make resolutions AND feel compelled to tell the rest of us about them.

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