Totally Biased Top 10: Athletes I Don’t Want My Kids Looking Up To (Nos. 5-1)

In case anyone happened to have missed Part I, I advise you to check it out, by clicking right here. Just kidding, it’s actually right here. God, I’m a dick.

Alright, onto the top five wealthy assholes who have surpassed the level of douche, did not collect 200 dollars, and ended up right here, right where they belong. Some controversy followed the first installment, and I’d like to address that here. Obviously, with an insane amount of athletes in today’s world, there are more than a handful of those who break the law, commit crimes, and even have killed innocent people. Above all, this list is meant as a handy guide as to who children should avoid idolizing.

Understandably, some of these people haven’t done anything that should put them in the electric chair, but my point remains the same. With SO many athletes doing incredible charity work, and donating thousands of dollars every year, why waste your time with these guys?


5. Albert Haynesworth, DL, Tampa Bay Buccaneers

That's one big boy. Perhaps toooo big.

I thought of putting Ray Lewis in this spot, but the change was a simple one to make. Although Lewis was involved in a nasty fight outside of a nightclub, neither him nor his two companions were ever charged with murder. Lewis is also a leader for his team on the field, and is one of the greatest linebackers ever. Haynesworth however, is absolute scum.

Whether it be stomping on the heads on innocent downed lineman, getting sued by strippers, or practically robbing NFL teams for every dollar imaginable, Haynesworth is just plain awful. Following his contract with the Tennessee Titans, Haynesworth signed a contract worth overt 100 million dollars with the Washington Redskins and proceeded to miss practice after practice, not due to injury, but rather, being far too fat for his own good. The Patriots and Bill Belichick then took a shot, with onlookers claiming: “Bill can fix him. Bill can fix anyone. I mean, he’s still ALBERT HAYNESWORTH!”. Yep. That was the problem. He was still Albert Haynesworth.

Instead, Look Up To…: Drew Brees. Sports Illustrated’s Sportsmen of the Year in 2010, Brees was an easy choice. Leading the city of Katrina and the New Orleans Saints to their first Superbowl Championship in team history. Plus, he hasn’t stopped on anyone’s head yet.

4. Alex Rodriguez, 3B, New York Yankees

If you thought I'd use any other picture, you're crazy.

Alex Rodriguez has never been convicted of a crime. If being an arrogant, slimy, pompous bitch WAS indeed a crime, then he would’ve been in the slammer years ago. One of the best young baseball players of the 2000’s, A-Rod launched balls left and right. Unfortunately, he admitted to steroid use two years ago. Instantly killing whatever reputation A-Rod had left, the blow left children everywhere stunned. Rodriguez, it has been documented, needs to be the center of attention. He is constantly forcing his way to the center of the stage, and has paraded around with multiple women. The only player in MLB history to sign multiple contracts worth over 100 million dollars, Rodriguez SHOULD be on walls everywhere, but unfortunately, another great slugger bit the dust. Oh, and for God’s sake, can we get a healthy season out of this A-Hole?!

Instead, Look Up To…: Jim Thome. One of the best designated hitters ever, Thome was recently named in a player poll as the nicest player in all of baseball. Think about that people. Sports Illustrated interviewed actual players, about who was the nicest guy in the sport, and Thome came back with a whopping 21% of the vote, with his closest competitor Raul Ibanez, only getting 7%. Plus, the guy’s hit 600 bombs, and has yet to be tied to steroids.

3. LeBron James, SF, Miami Heat

Right before he shattered the hopes and dreams of children everywhere :'(

When LeBron James entered free agency, a good friend of mine wholeheartedly believed that King James would soon end up on the New York Knicks. I didn’t like our chances, but followed the situation extremely close, as did every major news station in America. If LeBron so much as sent out a text message, it made headlines on ESPN. Upon hearing that LeBron would have a one hour special to announce his decision, we were stunned. This surely meant he was staying in Cleveland. I mean, who would have a one hour special, and then stab their former town, coach, and most of all, fans, in the back. Well. LeBron would.

I disagree with anyone who dislikes LeBron because they feel he gets certain calls, or flops. Well, welcome to the NBA. Every superstar gets calls their way, and every great player flops once in a while. In Pau Gasol’s case, on 47% of all active plays ;). I do however, believe that one could certainly dislike LeBron strictly because of how he handled this situation. He was an Akron boy from the get go, and completely turned on them to chase a championship else where. The entire situation was just plain sad. Thousands and thousands of young athletes looked up to LeBron, mostly in part thanks to his phenomenal athletic talent, and promising future. Those children, especially the ones living in Cleveland, now have to find a new hero. One who appreciates the fans and support systems built around them.

Instead, Look Up To…: Steve Nash. The Phoenix Sun point guard, viewed as one of the nicest guys in the league, has also been one of the best players of our time. His mantle is stocked, with two NBA MVP awards, 7 all-star appearances, and most important, the J. Walter Kennedy Citizenship Award, given out to the player, trainer, or coach who most shows “outstanding commitment to the community”. Hmm… I think LeBron has a better shot at winning a ring than this award.

2. Michael Vick, QB, Philadelphia Eagles

He did more time than anyone else would have for his crime, and he should have.

There’s a good chance I get some grief for this one, but the facts are all there. I do not hate Michael Vick nearly as much as the next guy, but he definitely earned his spot on this list of no gooders. Vick, as you well know, was the funding for an illegal dog fighting scandal, that he supposedly took part in from time to time. Dog fighting, which got it’s roots in the South, was running rampant in Vick’s home by his cousin, and friends. Vick did his time in prison, and has since rejoined the NFL, and had an incredible season with the Eagles last year. Vick was idolized by children everywhere, due in part to his extreme athletic ability, and his prominent position on the field, the playcaller. Although Vick has been to congress to lobby for stricter laws against dog fighters in the future, the harm has been done. What’s even sadder, is that Vick is probably one of the more liked players on this list by children, and has easily been the biggest offender.

Instead Look Up To…: Tim Tebow. Why? Because he win’s games. And also, because I’m fairly positive that if God does exist, than he sent his only son back to Earth wearing number 15 and playing in Denver.

1. Tiger Woods, Pro Golfer

I got a 20 dollar bill says he banged some chick out moments after this shot was taken

Although many people will think Vick is number one, Tiger takes the top spot for me, and does it with ease. Looked up to by young golfers all around the world, Woods had the sporting world wrapped around his finger. He launched the sport of Golf, and the PGA back into the limelight. Unfortunately, it remained in the limelight when the Tiger Woods Sex Scandal unfolded. A golden rule for athletes of the future: if you’re a billionaire, fit, young, and good-looking, there is a very solid chance you can stick it in almost anything that moves, and can talk. And even then, the talking is optional. Now, if this is the path you’d like to follow, the path of the playboy golfer, then by all means, do so. Besides, who would really care?

“And in other news, 18 women have come out and said they have had sex with Tiger Woods… And onto our main story…”

See? If you’re single, with no kids, and no wife, then nobody cares. What are they going to say? You’re the master of your own domain, and most likely not hurting anyone in the process. If any of those broads thought they had a chance with Woods to begin with, then shame on them.

Unfortunately, Mr. Woods DID have a wife at home. Aaaaand two young children. The story was almost too shocking to believe. Multiple women came out of the woodworks, 18 in all. Most of them had cell phone record proof, and even if they didn’t scientists believe Woods has fornicated with 31% of the United States. OK, I made that up, but still, there’s an 81% chance that Woods has slept with one of your family members.

All in all, Woods could’ve gone down as the single greatest golfer in history, and a damn good man to boot. Now, he lost his family, his wife, millions of dollars in endorsement bonuses and not to mention, his golf game has gone down the hole (an endless amount of puns… ;)


Well, there you have it people, the Top 5 athletes that your kids should avoid idolizing. Disagree with my choices? Let me know in the comment section below what changes YOU would make! Be sure to like us on Facebook, and follow us on Twitter @T0tallyBiased!

6 Responses to “Totally Biased Top 10: Athletes I Don’t Want My Kids Looking Up To (Nos. 5-1)”
  1. Justin Yattaw says:

    Ray Lewis killed a guy. Haynesworth is definitely a prick, but he hasn’t killed anyone… yet…

    I will always believe Ray Lewis should’ve been on this list over Fat Al.

    You probly could’ve done a Top 10 list like this of JUST NBA players.

    Iverson is another one I would’ve put on my list.

  2. Matt Lieberman says:

    Come on Travis, what about OJ???

  3. diana says:

    You sound racist, You name all these black athletes and yes I’m including Alex since he’s Dominican so obviously he has some black in him so yeah you name these black athletes on who not to look up too and replace them all with white athletes.The message you are sending is definitively racist like really you couldn’t replace one or two at least with a positive black athlete which is your your post is a big fat joke.

    I’m not even going to bother reading your replies since what I wrote is a fact.

    • Justin Yattaw says:

      Feel free to leave examples of white athletes deserving of a spot. Or a black athlete someone should be looking up to.

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