Totally Biased Top 10: The Guilty Pleasure

A deeper look into the minds of Justin and Travis, as they reveal their Top 10 Guilty Pleasures

We all do it.

We know we shouldn’t, but we still do.

It’s not necessarily normal. You’ve been told not to do it. It’s embarrassing. It’s frowned upon in acceptable parts of society. It’s just… bad…

And ya know what? That’s kind of what makes it so, SO good.

We, here at Totally Biased, know exactly how you feel. Killing that whole bag of Oreos? Sure, why not? Pointed out some asshole wearing tall socks and high tops with short shorts and a fanny pack? Hey, who hasn’t? Just spent 2 hours browsing through images after googling “LOLcatz?” That’s ok, we have, too. But rest assured, this isn’t some sort of dull, drab, derivative list full of commonplace, corny, clichéd Guilty Pleasures like the ones your Great Aunt Edna talks about. No, no, no, this shit’s for the heavy hitters. For those of us who need a night of pure, unadulterated, selfish fun. It’s ok to be selfish. At least, we think so. I mean, its human nature. We want to do things that we enjoy and that makes us feel good. Because, really, that’s what Guilty Pleasures are all about: making yourself feel good. Sometimes, you just have to indulge a little bit and enjoy yourself without worrying about calories or carbs. You have to be able to laugh at someone for being stupid-looking. You have to be able to waste a little bit of time doing something that really is just a waste of time.

Sometimes, you just have to do something bad to feel good.

10. Lame  TV Shows

Trav: It’s late at night, Adie is curled up next to me with the remote in her hand. Why, you might ask, is the remote not appropriately affixed in MY right hand? Well, kind sirs, that is because I most likely made her sit through three hours of a Giants game, and the least I could do is give her full television rights for the night. The real reason? Because I generally can sit through anything she puts on.

NCIS? Fire it up. CSI: New York? Give it to me. The real exclamation point? Desperate Housewives, baby! I love it. I could sit through season after season, without fail. There’s one out there for everybody, so let’s not pretend that you don’t wake up after everybody has gone to sleep, so you can fire up the DVR and catch up with your real friends.

9. Lame Music

Justin: Ever been sitting in a car, alone or with someone else, and that really lame pop song comes on that makes you go batshit crazy? You crank it without hesitation, start jamming out, yelling the lyrics entirely off-key, throwing your head back and forth, and right in your most perfect moment on-stage, the fans screaming wildly for more, you suddenly stop dead in your tracks, because the people in the car next to you at the light are staring at you like there’s a dead body on your hood? Yeah. Us, too. But, don’t feel bad. Every time “Moves Like Jagger” comes on while I’m in the car, you can guarantee the radio just got 86 times louder than it just was. Travis? He’s more of a GaGa type of guy. What a surprise, right?

Don’t feel bad the next time one of MJ’s big hits comes on and you secretly sing the lyrics to yourself. Why not? Because we all love those songs. Even if none of us will ever admit it.

Get it?! Cause she’s a human!!!!

8. LOLcatz

Travis: If you are unfamiliar with LOLCatz, I’m issuing what I believe to be a very fair, yet stern, warning. Do. Not. Look. Don’t Google it, don’t ask your friends, nothing. Just leave it be. Just look at the image to the left, chuckle to yourself, and let it be the only exposure you have. There’s a pretty good chance, this won’t apply to you, because anyone who’s anyone has seen LOLCatz before. It’s incredibly easy to spend hours upon hours searching through the extensive collection, and while I would usually leave a link for you to click on, I’m just going to protect you from the madness.

I’m kidding, I want someone to share in my torture.

7. Something Gross

Justin: You know that one thing that you love, that NO ONE else you know likes? That nasty, disgusting, totally wretched thing that you’re completely and utterly desensitized to that makes everyone else you know fucking puke? God, how great is that one thing? Seriously.

Whether you like to sit back and watch Scarred with Coby from Papa Roach, witnessing spectacular and gut-wrenching wipeouts aplenty, or relaxing while you browse the tube and finally find the latest medical venture into some sort of grotesque surgery, or even taking a page out of my playbook by heading over to Pop That Zit and checking out the latest in disgusting, gory cysts and abcesses, it doesn’t matter.

All that matters is that we enjoy it, so who really cares about all the people who puke from seeing us in our revolting glory?

By the way, I’m not cleaning it up if you puke… So, GFY.

6. Getting The Lion’s Share

Pun? Oh, absolutely intended.

Trav: I could have retitled this one “Winning at Life”, or perhaps, “Destroying Your Inferior Competition.” It is the single thing that almost every human seeks. It is essentially the reason behind every war, argument, and beat-down-drag-em-out-brawl in history. I don’t care who you are, EVERYONE loves getting the most of something. There’s one piece of cake left? When the party is distracted, you’re gunning for it! That ONE chili cheese fry connected to ALL the cheese?! Jackpot, baby! There’s a little more than a cup full of soda left? You pour some in, take a haul, and top that bad boy off! WINNING!

My personal experiences have also been good. In my Dad’s family, there was a rule instated, long before time began, that whomever ripped something in half [the last slice of pizza for example], then the OTHER person got to pick which one they wanted. What a game changer! It also has worked in my favor. The first ice cream cone I ever had with Adie, she willingly gave me the last bite, and has done so ever since. People… do you KNOW how awesome the last bite of an ice cream cone is?! I should’ve married her on the spot.

Beware, however, of mind games. My good friend Shamus did indeed rip a slice of pizza in half. “Ooooh, my bad, one of these pieces is way bigger. You can pick.” Woah, woah, woah… What?! I can pick? I can willingly take the bigger slice. Well, fuck yeah! As I reached for it, I pulled my hand back in amazement. Would this make me a bad friend? Would this make me look fatter than I already look? Would he judge me for years to come? I was puzzled, and ended up with the smaller slice. But, wait… did he do this so he could get what he wanted? I’ve been losing sleep ever since.

Well played, sir. Well played.

5. Reality TV

Justin: Although Trav has already aptly covered “Lame TV Shows,” we both felt that this deserved its own spot, at a much higher place on this coveted list. Why? Because it’s so much more diverse. Reality? It’s everywhere. Cuz it’s… ya know… reality! Shit’s real! The idea of reality television is, in and of itself, a guilty pleasure. How so? Why, my friend, I’m glad you asked!

It’s all got to do with human nature. Human beings are curious creatures. They’re inquisitive, knowledge-seeking, sentient beings that maintain a natural wonder for the world around them, and for the other living things surrounding them. In lamens? People are nosey. And what better way to scratch that particular itch than to vicariously witness the life of another human being from your living room? You don’t have to become friends with someone to become a part of their life, you don’t have to meet anyone you don’t want to, you don’t even have to get up off your couch! You can be nosey from the comfort of your own living room!

That being said, there’s a reality show for everyone, for every possible interest or idea, from game shows to auction tapings, and although everyone watches garbage like Survivor, Real World (UGH!) and Jersey Shore (BLEGH!), it takes a special sort of soul to appreciate things like Ninja Warrior on G4tv, Discovery’s Deadliest Catch, the ORIGINAL Japanese Iron Chef or even ABCs Wipeout.

I bet those dudes from Ninja Warrior would absolutely PWN that Wipeout course. 7074lly pwn3d i7!

4. Mimicking Someone’s Accent Once They Leave Your Vicinity

Trav: I’m quite positive there isn’t anybody on Earth who doesn’t fancy a great accent. One of the following two things happen EVERY time you and a buddy hear a good accent.

1. The second our immigrant friend leaves we both stare in awe, wondering what he did to get so lucky. “Bro! You hear that accent?!”

2. Popular in the crowded environments, our British friend has just gotten out of earshot, you and your friend simply look at each other and smile, as if to say “Oh, yeah, bro… We heard that.”

I absolutely love having someone stroll through Shaw’s with a thick British accent. I feel lucky to be in their presence, and I’m almost positive that they are at least 50 times smarter than me. They also probably have more friends, and a lot more fun at parties. In a sense, they make me want to kill myself.

Then there’s the other end of the spectrum for that. Say, for instance, Sir Britty McBritBrit is a twat. What do you do then? I mock the shit out of him as soon as he walks away, that’s what! The poor imitation is generally followed by all sorts of Gorilla-like arm movements and dancing, and although we’re making ourselves out to be the morons in that instance, it’s still just too fun not to do.

3. Overindulgence

Challenge Accepted.

Justin: Here’s another one that we’re all guilty of, in one form or another. A whole bag of Oreos? Been there. An entire tub of Ben N Jerry’s? Done that. A whole pizza pie? By yourself? Wish I hadn’t. Almost an entire bag of Doritos? Yup. Old news. But you have to leave that one handful left, so you don’t feel quite so bad about eating the whole thing, right? Why do we do that? We just ate an ENTIRE bag of Doritos, but nope! We need to leave a dozen paltry chips. For our conscience. What’re we, fuckin’ stupid?!

We don’t know how, when or even why these urges strike. We just know that, when they do, we better be ready to answer them. Or suffer the consequences… of… not consuming like, thousands of unneccessary calories… shit…

Me? I’m a soda guy. And although I’m not religious, I wholeheartedly believe that if there is a God, his greatest gift to man is Coca Cola. Sweet, sweet Mana from Heaven! I could probably haul down a 2-liter in an hour. Two hours tops. Easy. And no, I’m NOT proud of it, but what can you do? Everyone’s got their fix, that one indulgent treat that they go nuts for. And unfortunately, once you start having a bit of it, chances are you won’t stop until it’s too late.

Or until it’s all gone.

2. People Watching

Travis: The SINGLE item on this list that you can-abso-fuckin-lutely-not deny. Maybe you really don’t have any major indulgence. Maybe you don’t really like getting the last slice of Pie. But you know what? You enjoy looking at an ugly sonuvabitch just as much as I do! This is the single reason that working at Shaw’s is rewarding. Plenty of fuckin’ whack jobs strolling through for me and my coworkers to stare at, and wonder what the hell their parents look like to produce such a horrific looking human being.

There’s just nothing quite like operating as some sort of Black Ops team when you’re out in the public, having to whisper and speak in code to get your friends to spot the asshole strolling across the Food Court wearing tall socks and high tops with shortshorts and a fannypack. There’s just not. We all need to be judgemental on some level, and spying on weirdos from afar allows us to be, without repercussion.

My girlfriend and I have a bad, yet so good habit of watching people while we wait for our food to arrive at a restaurant. Some other great places include the park, the boulevard, and of course, the movie theater. Now, don’t get all freaked out, but you know the weirdest part? With almost everyone out there partaking in this perfect past time, it’s inevitable that you, yes dear reader, YOU have even been spied upon. Dun Dun Dunnnn!

1. Top 10 Lists

Justin: C’mon. Don’t act surprised. This was always the easy Top Spot Pick. “Why?” you ask? No, sir, the question is, “Why not?!”

Take a second and think about it: you judge Top 10 Lists on what’s placed in the coveted #1 spot. You scroll down, check out number one, and if you agree with it, then, “Hey, this may not be so bad. I’ll read the other nine!” But if #1 sucks? “Wow. Glad I checked that out ahead of time. Now I can go google LOLcatz rather than waste time reading this!” Besides, who doesn’t love a good Top 10 list?! No one. There’s just something so psychologically satisfying about the number 10. Think about how many things are “the top 10.” Lists, the 10 most wanted, the 10 Commandments. Think about what would have happened is Moses had come down from Mt. Sinai with the “9 Commandments.” People would’ve looked at him and said, “the 9 Commandments?! Get the fuck outta’ heeere!” (<– That’s a Brooklyn accent, BTW, because the Hebrews spoke with thick, Brooklyn accents… clearly…) It had to be 10, because 10 sounds important. 9? They won’t take it seriously. 11? That’s just too many. 10 is the perfect balance because it’s easy to remember, long enough to get a good diversity, but not long enough to be annoying or a waste of time.

You want a real reason Top 10 lists are so good? Well, how about this then? There isn’t anyone reading this that would tell me I’m wrong when I say, even if you didn’t read the first 9 spots, even if you just read the headings for each without diving into the meat of the article, you still scrolled down JUST to see what was at Number 1. You couldn’t help it! You HAD to know! It’s totally, completely, utterly unavoidable. And it’s the same for any other list you come across. You want to at least, at the VERY least, know what’s at Number 1. The rest of the list? Fuck off!

Even if you’re feeling down, out, and unhappy, a good Top 10 List will always give you a little bit of a lift. It’s what makes them so special, why they’re so fun, both for us to write, and for you to read. It’s what keeps the world turning!

Well… that, and the gravitational pull of the sun, but… you get what I mean.


Be sure to let us know what you thought of our list, and leave some of your own guilty pleasures in the comment box below!

3 Responses to “Totally Biased Top 10: The Guilty Pleasure”
  1. Vivian says:

    Hoarders, LMN (hate it but if I start it’s hard to turn the channel), salt & vinegar chips (oh yeah, the entire bag til my tongue dries up and splits), , chocolate cake for breakfast, Eye of the tiger by Survivor, and so on, and so on. Really enjoyed the list! Have been guilty of almost every one!

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