A Totally Biased Review: Lady GaGa’s “Marry The Night” Music Video

We here at Totally Biased are often striving to please the masses and masses of fans that we have roped in over the last two months. Recently, we had our first adamant request for a review, and I though, hey, what the hell. Consider us the poor man’s Make A Wish Foundation.

My little brother Nathan, if you didn’t already know, is a huge Lady GaGa fan. By huge I mean, he’s been to two concerts, own’s every CD, 5 posters, multiple remix albums, and a plethora of other goodies. Unfortunately, he was recently stricken with mono, and has been fighting a courageous battle. I ask all of you to take a few moments of silence and pray for his well being. I’m kidding, we don’t really give a shit.

Anyway, the doc thinks that ol’ Natey here has had the illness since about Thanksgiving. It finally hit hard last Friday. He arrived home at 12pm from school, and since then, I have seen him a mere three times. The first, was when he stumbled out of his room on Saturday evening, looking like he could walk onto the set of a George Romero movie and fit right in, without makeup, to top it all off. The second time, he could barely even speak to me, as I entered the “sick zone” as I like to call it, aka, his bedroom. He could only muster a few words, but those words were in fact: “I have a review for you… Lady GaGa’s new video… It’s 14 minutes long”.

Well… I guess it’s the least I could do for ya buddy. It should be noted, I have NOT seen the video in any way shape or form, until the second I hit play, which I will do following the end of this paragraph. Without further ado, let us enter the realm of GaGa. Don’t forget your meat suit.

============================

By the way, GaGa, that is very subpar ass on the right. Nothing to see here.

Advertisement – Jesus, before the video even starts, the power of the interwebz is on full display. The video chosen to run for the advertisement is for DayQuil and NyQuil. It’s like they KNEW some sort of sick individual had directed me here. Also noted, the view count at the time of my posting is 9,326,919. Well then, clearly I’m a little late to the party.

1:19 – Well then. Our video starts with GaGa being wheeled into some sort of room by two nurses. She explains why she chose certain aspects of the video, which is interesting, as she breaks the wall a little bit, and really talks to the audience. “I turned the nurse’s hats to the side, because I think it looks romantic. I also think mint will be very big in fashion next season”. You know what’s going to be big in video fashion, GaGa? A video that isn’t 13 fucking minutes. It takes me less time to eat my Thanksgiving dinner, not including the copious amounts of pie I inhale afterwards.

There is NO God.

2:40– GaGa has clearly just come out of surgery, as the nurse begins to explain that everything went well, and according to plan. That’s quite a sha-I mean… Awesome! My favorite line of the entire video might be when the nurse asks GaGa how she’s feeling. Bitch, have you SEEN your patient?! She looks like she’s missing her eyebrows, and her face resembles that of someone whose face lost a fight with a board. Oh, and how about this gem: “No intimacy for two weeks”. Yeah, hey, nurse, um, I don’t think that’s going to be much of a problem. I’d rather fuck a table saw then come within ten feet of this beast.

4:02 – This is where the video would be winding down for most artists, but it’s just getting started for The Ga. After telling the nurse that she’s going to be a star because “she has nothing left to lose”, she tells her to turn on the music. She of course, says this in french, because saying it in her native tongue just wouldn’t make sense.

Black Bar for President!

5:38 – I spoke too soon people. Music in fact, did NOT kick in. It was merely a facade by GaGa, so she could torture us a bit more. What actually took place was a piano number, followed by some evil cackling, GaGa pretending she’s a ballerina in front of an open arena, and then of course GaGa ending up back at her home. We catch a glimpse here of something truly magical. Have you ever seen ANYTHING that is blocked out, whether it be a swear, or maybe some body parts, and been like “Damn, I wish they didn’t put that there… Damn FCC”? Of course you have. Nobody likes censorship at all. Well… Until now that is.

6:26 – Waste of Cheerios. Enough said.

8:46 – “You may think that I had lost it all. But I still had my bedazzler. So I wreaked havoc on some old denim.” GaGa leaves her apartment complex, as her neighbors stare at her from the rafters. They’re judging you GaGa. We’re ALL judging you! Cut to our psychopath hanging inside a car, surrounded by what appears to a post-apocolyptic landscape as cars on fire litter the street. GaGa’s car of course, is fully intact and not set ablaze. Which makes us wonder, why oh why not?

OK GaGa, you've started to win me back... Don't blow this.

10:17 – Dancing, or having a seizure, the world may never know. GaGa belts our the first verse of the song [oh yes people, this is in fact a MUSIC video, remember?] while “dancing” on the hood of her car, before entering a dance class of some sort, where she’s the only freak show in the whole bunch. Shocking? Not in the least.

11:05 – OK, I’ll give credit where credit is due. THAT would be considered an actual form of dancing, and was some pretty great choreography. Great hair by GaGa also, which is a big step up from the shit we had seen atop of her head at the beginning of the video. The 80’s feel that we’re getting here is also pretty cool. This MIGHT end up being a solid experience. And by solid I mean I don’t throw up, turn away in horror, or throw myself out the window.

Can we get the black bar back?

11:26 – Make sure you pause at this exact second. That thing about possibly being a solid experience? Yep. Right out the window.

11:43 – The only creature GaGa could possibly throw at us that would make me willingly turn my attention to the star of the show. There is absolutely no way this person is a woman. But, if she is, then she belongs in the 7th circle of Hell.

12:34 – She CAN dance, that’s the funny part. I mean this too. She has better choreography in her videos than a LOT of the other pop artists out there. I mean, I DID undertake the task of rating one of her videos, didn’t I? If Nathan had asked me do a Ke$ha, or Katy Perry video, I most likely would’ve taken his pillow, and slowly but surely stopped his breathing.

13:19 – There aren’t words to describe the last 40 seconds of this video, there really aren’t. If I had to try, I’d most likely go with: Fire, Big Hat, Explosion, Fire, Bathtub, Toilet Stall, Fire, Big Glasses, Long Fingernails, and…. Fire.

13:52 – The absolute best part of the video. Not up for debate.

===================

Well then, that about sums up GaGa’s most recent assault on the eyes of her viewers and her loyal fans. All in all, I think she honestly writes pretty damn good music. For the genre that she’s in, she’s the top of her class. She dominates the pop market, but she also has copious amounts of talent when it comes to writing her own music, the dancing behind it, and of course, looking like something out of the Ringling Brothers traveling circus. Until we meet again GaGa, I wish you nothing but the best of luck. Just don’t blow my car up.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: