A Totally Biased Rant: Crimes Against Communication, Part Deux

Another discerning look at even more of the inconsistencies and aggravating nuances in today’s communicative standards.

Passive Eugenics.

Not familiar? Then let’s take a minute and try to figure out what it could mean. Take it at the absolute most fundamental level: two words. “Passive,” which means something doesn’t involve visible reactions or active participation, and “eugenics,” which is an idea that entertains the possibility of improving upon the human race by either selective breeding (not allowing those with defects or inferior genetic makeup to reproduce), or by simply discarding the weak, sickly, or misshapen. Take a minute and let that sink in, then try to meld the ideas together. For some of you, that might prove difficult with that feeble little brain of yours, but I’ve still got faith in you. Not really, though.

Passive Eugenics.

Long story short? The kid who swallows too many marbles doesn’t get to grow up and have kids of his own.

It’s a pretty simple idea, and perhaps barbaric, but ya know what? I’m getting kind of tired of the constant assault on all my senses from every direction, all the people too ignorant to wisen up and censor their idiocy from my gentle ears, all the people too numb to take three seconds and learn the difference between words that sound the same, all the people who need  a firm hand or, preferably, a 2×4 right across the fuckin’ mouth to keep them from sounding like a complete and utter moron.

This piece is for all the troglodytes who didn’t get the hint the last time around, and need to crawl back into that chasm you lumbered out from. Before I do myself, and the rest of the world, the favor of pushing you back in.

“Back. The Fuck. Up. Kilroy.”

I guess I’m just too trusting and give people too much credit. Things that I understand to be completely normal, commonplace and acceptable, seem to be entirely lost on everyone else. It’s not something I do to other people, so I don’t understand who would do it to me. Case in point: I’m sending a text to someone, it’s not to you because you’re sitting right next to me, hence there being no need to text you, and since it’s not to you and you aren’t a part of this conversation since I haven’t brought it up, I want you to, please, pull your face back a few inches off of my phone before I do so for you. With a baseball bat. And trust me, when you get up in my shit like this, I’m a regular fuckin’ Barry Bonds.

Did people in days past hover over one another’s shoulders while they wrote letters to distant friends? No, I would like to think they would’ve gotten shot doing that. A practice I wish we still… well, practiced, today. And yeah, imagine that, a fuckin’ letter! People actually did that! Long-hand and everything! With as stupid as some kids are today, I wouldn’t be surprised if they learned the alphabet on a goddamned keyboard.

Yeah, did you see how funny that last text I got was?! No?! Oh, yeah! That’s cuz it was sent to MY PHONE, asshole! Back the fuck up, Brody! Unless you want to find yourself with someone’s foot lodged squarely in your crotch. One guess as to whose foot it’ll be.

Here’s a hint: mine.

More Cinnamons!

Seriously. Less than five seconds. And only as many as four keystrokes. That’s all it takes to delete one word, retype it, and prevent yourself from coming across like a thoroughbred dipshit. If you ask me? It sounds like a completely fair trade-off. Although, all things considered, you’re proof that life just isn’t fair, and that some parents are just better off getting a child from the local pound. I also suggest the parents be forcefully spayed and neutered while they’re there. Just in case.

I just don’t get it. I really don’t. It’s not like the sorts of people who constantly confuse these words are actually important in any capacity. There is literally nothing they could be doing that would be justifiably keeping them from polluting my news feed, my inbox, and my text list with this ignorant, lazy bullshit. And rest assured, that’s ALL it is. Fucking laziness. Either that or sheer stupidity. And with most of these assholes, those two are entirely interchangeable.

TWO is a number. TOO means “also.” TO is the proposition we use for everything else. WEAR is what you do to clothes. WHERE is a destination or place. WARE is merchandise or something being sold. WERE doesn’t even sound like any of them. SHOULD’VE is a contraction of SHOULD HAVE, and SHOULD OF is not to be used in place of either of the former, because it makes ZERO sense in the fucking English Language.

I swear, every time someone deliberately ignores one of these mistakes they’ve made, it makes me more and more proud that I don’t constantly sound like I can count my IQ on both hands. And for some of you, I may even include both feet. But, really, I’m not going to give anyone the benefit of the doubt here. Not when they hit the rest of us with such statuses as, “just ate chinese! but should of just got something somewere else! chinese is jus to greesy!”

Ya know what reading that status makes me realize? That there’s one more person out there who needs to be deleted off my friends list. But, more importantly? That there’s one more person out there who needs to tied down and beaten in front of their children. For starters.

You Know What Happens When You Assume… You Make Me Want to Stab You

Has anyone ever insulted you on the most basic level? Been rude in such a plain, undeserved, straightforward way? It’s quite ironic, really. Someone who’s, what I would call, a complete and consummate fucking idiot, will always assume that everyone around them is one, too. I can probably just as easily set the stage for you as I could explain it.

You’re working on something, checking your phone, reading something online, a magazine, watching TV, whatever. Someone you know (or, even more deplorably, someone you don’t know) is saying something to you, something you can hear perfectly clearly because you aren’t a fucking waste of cellular matter. But, because you aren’t making eye contact while they ramble aimlessly, they try to catch your attention and force the matter, with some sort of rude demand along the lines of, “hey! Look at me when I talk to you!” They do this, of course, because they naturally assume you’re as fucking stupid as they are, and because they can’t handle doing more than one thing at once, then no human being on earth is capable of doing so. So, now that they’ve got you at full attention and have pried you away from whatever it was you were doing, they finish explaining whatever it was you didn’t care about to begin with. You roll your eyes and shake your head in disbelief that they forced their inanity upon you, and because you don’t respond to something you’d rather never hear about again, they make another demand of you, squawking something like, “all right?!” or “OK?!”

Of course, this elicits some sort of sudden, sharp reaction. A personal favorite of mine is the ever-pertinent, “FUCK OFF!” However, because this is generally frowned upon in civilized society, something more like, “yeah, whatever!” will more than suffice. But, since you’re now voicing your displeasure with them, they realize they’ve caused offense, and you’re more than likely slapped with more brilliance, “well, whatsa matter?!” Because, naturally, they can’t be bothered to pronounce such mouthfuls like “the” when speaking.

You get the idea? Where does it end with these fuckin’ people? There’s really no telling, because now you look like the prick for voicing your disdain for their very existence. It’s sad, ironic, and almost amusing, that after all of this, them bothering you while you were doing something else, forcing their consciousness upon you and then you responding the way you did in a clearly irritated manner, you’re now the asshole. You know, it begs the thought, “maybe they aren’t as stupid as we initially suspected…”


“…No, It’s Cool. I Was Done Talking. Only, Not really.”

Now, let me explain something to you with absolute transparency: despite some of my claims about wanting to impale, behead, or just generally maim some of the morons populating my immediate vicinity, I really am not a violent guy. I can turn the other cheek and walk away even from the most infuriating forms of infectious human waste. However, there’s one type of person that makes me want to just reach out and beat them with a fuckin’ Stillson wrench.

“What kind of person, Justin?!” you ask? Someone who’s the most vile, worthless, sludge-like kind of human being there is. Someone who no one would enjoy being around, much less speaking to. Someone who needs to be thrown, screaming, from a helicopter.

Someone who interrupts you while you’re talking.

Is there anything more offensive in the realm of communication? I’m not sure that there is. And if there is, there are very few things that make my blood pressure skyrocket quite like being cut off while I’m speaking. And if the person who cuts me off isn’t the person I was speaking to? You can bet your bottom dollar that the person who interrupted me will immediately, and without hesitation, be getting stabbed, right in the eyes.

Generally speaking, what makes this even more offensive is that when they cut you off, it’s to interject and say something that either had nothing to do with what you were saying, or it’s something you just do not care to hear. At all! What in the fuck makes you think I wanted to listen to you speak, Jefe?! That’s why I am talking! Because I’m smarter, have more interesting things to say, and I’m not a colossal piece of shit that has to force my way into conversations because I’m so unimportant otherwise.

I literally could not tell you how many times I’ve been suddenly interrupted, uppercutted the person who interrupted me, then simply walked away.

I also could not tell you how many more times it’ll happen before I start carrying around a flamethrower to remedy that. Hey, you just can’t be too careful.

In Conclusion…

 I don’t know what else to say. I feel like I’m at the end of my pitiful rope. And nothing I can do will save me from all the ignorant morons who ought to be locked in portable toilets and set on fire.

All I can do is hope that maybe now you’ll have the courage to correct dipshits whenever you may encounter them, to not tolerate stupid bullshit in any form, to reach out and backhand the next prick who interrupts you. Maybe, just maybe, we’ll get this dump cleaned up…

Oh, who’m I kidding?

Let’s just kill ’em all.

3 Responses to “A Totally Biased Rant: Crimes Against Communication, Part Deux”
  1. Vivian says:

    I believe the quickest way to assess someone’s intelligence is to listen to them speak for 10 minutes. Probably because of my age I can’t stand things like “my bad” or “a’ight” (spelling). I think that it should be a law that we can’t use slang (unless you’re under the age of 30 and then only when talking with your peers). At one time, Latin was considered the dead language, but I’m beginning to believe its Proper English.

  2. Debbie Rand says:

    My personal favorite response to ANY text I might send: “K”. People, this is not a word….and frankly, if I’m not worth at least TWO letters, don’t bother responding at all!!! Loved the article Justin! As always, very entertaining and well written! Talk soon, Deb

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  1. […] spent belittling the intellectually inferior, and even the portion of my life I’ve spent catering to my own narcissism, you may think I’m a bit of a jerk, pig-headed, or just a plain old asshole. And you know […]

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