Totally Biased Top 10: Reasons I’ll Never Watch the Twilight Saga

A closer look at the world-famous franchise, and 10 factual reasons to avoid it

Vampires. Werewolves. Struggles between good and evil.

That’s right. It can only be one thing. And we all know what that is.

If you guessed, “Lord of the Rings!” Well, then, my friend, you are correct! But, if you guessed “Harry Potter,” then you are also correct! Wait, isn’t it Underworld?! What?! Wizards of Waverly Place?! Jesus… Who can keep track?!

All honesty aside, I know that if you’re reading this, it’s probably because, in some capacity, you’re a fan of the Twilight saga. I can only offer my condolences. Well, that, and this well-thought out list of 10 Totally Biased reasons you’ll never find a copy of any volume of the Twilight series on my book-shelf, in my Blu-Ray player, or even within a 10-mile radius of my physical being.

See, for me, the movie represents a lot of things. Things I find to be reprehensible in modern day story-telling, film-making, and life in general. I’ve never watched even a single scene from any of the films. I’ve never read a single page out of any of the books. It’s not something I’m even remotely interested in, but it’s still constantly shoved in my face. I’m sick of hearing about it, from friends, family, co-workers, strangers, the internet, Jesus, inanimate objects… I’m just sick of it! And if you are, too, then I implore you to read on and relish in a life-style completely free from the over-hyped blood-sucking and money-swindling machine that is the Twilight Saga.

This is for anyone, like me, who’s sick of hearing about this garbage. For anyone who’s had to sit through one of these mistakes of the film medium. For anyone who thinks Edward and Jacob should just say “Screw Bella!” and… Well… maybe not that one so much.

10. They Aren’t Even REAL Vampires and Werewolves

This is where it’s at. You don’t fuck with this.

For the most part, it seems to me that most of the mythos and lore surrounding such legendary creatures as Vampires and Werewolves has been totally lost in favor of the chance to get overly skinny “actors” into designer clothes to make tasteless teenage girls everywhere squeal.

Since when can vampires survive in the fucking day-time?! Am I the only person who realizes there’s something wrong with this?! Vampires are “Creatures of the Night!” That’s why Dracula wasn’t trouncing around in the middle of the day, because his ass would’ve been a tad over-cooked. And by “a tad over-cooked,” I mean, “fucking dead.” Vampires are not supposed to be able to survive being outside during the day: they retreat to their coffin during the daylight hours until the sun sets, whereupon they emerge and stalk the night in search of prey. But Edward’s out and about, getting all cuddly-feely with Bella with the sun out?! Give me a goddamned break!

This is what werewolves have turned into. Poorly done, giant wolves. ‘Scuse me while I barf.

And don’t even get me started on the werewolves! Giant wolves? Really? That’s the best design they could come up with? Why don’t you just forego the formalities, and just get straight to the point by shitting all over Lon Chaney Jr.’s grave and memory by showing werewolves as nothing but huge, animated wolves. That transform whenever they want. Instead of under the full moon… That they dare call these creatures werewolves gives me projectile diarrhea of the highest order… I’ve just got two words for you: mud. slide.

Even Underworld was better than this garbage. And that’s not saying much, cuz those movies suck.

9. It Looks Like A Two Hour Hot Topic Ad

Check out Edward’s slick threads and Jacob’s super tight, sexy jeans. See how they strut around, showing off their figures? How Edward’s lithe frame is captured so perfectly on camera in his sophisticated, yet hip and edgy clothing choices? How Jacob looks so rugged and manly in his outfits?

See the huge stream of vomit that just fired out from my mouth?

Dark. Brooding. Baroque. And available from your local Hot Topic!

This movie looks like an overly elaborate, overly expensive, overly LONG Hot Topic commercial, full of brooding, gloomy, pale teenagers who are too cool to wear anything except black, but aren’t quite cool enough to not need a ride home from mom. The way the film caters to it’s audiences is downright ghastly, and if it targeted 13 year-old girls any more than it already did, it would simply be a 2+ hour slideshow of half-nude pics of Edward and Jacob. Wearing something black. Because they’re dark, anguished, angst-ridden teenagers. Who are saving their allowance for the next trip to the mall.

8. Edward Needs To Eat Some Cheeseburgers… Or Crisco

Look, I get that he’s a vampire, so calories might be a little hard to come by, but Jesus Christ… does the dude EVER eat?! He eats blood, right? So, dip a bacon double cheeseburger in some blood and mow it down, for God’s sake! Deep fry something in pure lard, give it a swizzle in some plasma and force-feed the prick! The prick’s 3 pounds away from being an albino Kenyan, and girls are pining for him and freaking out over him? I just don’t get it.

Hopefully he’ll collapse from malnutrition long before the saga concludes.

7. …And We’ll Start the Bidding At $50!

As if the airbrushed abs weren’t bad enough, they make all the darkies into “beasts.” How distasteful. And trust me, I know tasteful! Have you BEEN to this site?!

When New Moon first came out, the world was completely overtaken by  the rift created by two warring teams: Team Edward, and Team Jacob. Edward, a tall, lithe, pasty-ass vampire, stood against the polarizing figure of Jacob, a tall, well-built, overly tanned werewolf. Ok… I can see how certain people would go for either one. If you’re into dudes who look more pampered than most women.

But, as more and more marketing material came out, and it became “vampires vs. werewolves,” it became evident that, for whatever reason, ALL of the werewolves were dark, Native American looking dudes. Who never wear shirts. Ok then. So, all, and literally, ALL, of the werewolves shown in the marketing campaigns are dark-skinned, black-haired, well-built dudes? How can no one else see this?!

I don’t really even know what else I need to say. The not-so-subtle hints and racial overtones that depict darker-skinned human beings as secretly being savage, bestial monsters could not be more obvious. And frankly, that so many people support it is both appalling and disgusting. At this rate, I’m sure the werewolves will end up enslaved, chained up and picking cotton by the end of Breaking Dawn, Part II. Of course, they already did that in the Underworld prequel… So… Maybe not. But, I’m not gonna put anything past these mental assaults! What would Martin Luther King Jr. say to you about this? Or better yet, Malcom X?! Or the Black Panthers?!

You should be ashamed of yourself.

6. There’s Better Sagas In My Shorts… Or Something…

Lord of the Rings. End o’ story.

There’s no reason to be watching something as shitty as Twilight when you could be watching something like Lord of the Rings. Even Harry Potter. Or even out doing something productive with your life. What’s more productive than watching Twilight? Well, how about doing a little creative writing? Watching grass grow? Slamming your cock in a door?

For God’s sake, ANYTHING!

5. Kristen Stewart’s Face

Full credit goes to David Greene for originally pointing this out to me, and ever since, it’s all I can think about when I see her. On top of being an abhorrent actress, if you google her, you’ll notice she only ever makes two faces: one of which is her blank, expressionless stare (reflecting her state of mind, I presume) while the other is a bizarre, scowling grimace that makes her look like she just caught scent of a particularly foul flatulent. I mean, if you’ve got a part in a world-famous, record-breaking film series, shouldn’t you have more than one or two looks in your repertoire? Stewart always looks as though she’s heavily medicated or partially sedated. Or in a conscious coma.

Or like she’s in an elevator and someone’s farted.

I wish it wasn’t so true…

And there you have it! you thought I was kidding? C’mon, me?! Tell a lie?!

She’s the real-life Zoolander, with exotically named “looks” that are really all the same look. Blue Steel? La Tigra? Ferarri? How obnoxious that I can write something like that, and it’s actually true. God…

4. Bella Is A Cock-Blocking Bitch. And A Whore.

It’s been 3 movies. Edward and Bella have been after one another since the first. They’re teenagers. And they still haven’t done the deed. Why? Bella won’t give it up. Wait, what? Are you KIDDING me?!

Edward and Bella still haven’t slept together, after 3 movies and what looks to be constant cuddling and life-threatening situations drawing them closer together. What the hell is going on here? What this shit originally written like this? What’s wrong with Stephanie Meyer? That’s right. I didn’t even google her name to see if it’s spelled corrently. Know why? Because I don’t even care. Watch out. I’m an old school bad ass.

To add insult to innjury, she apparently spent the better part of the 2nd film prancing around with Darky McTanskin (a.k.a. Jacob) during Edward’s absence. So… let me get this straight… She won’t bone Edward, but she’ll run to Jacob when he leaves cuz she’s not getting the affection she needs?

Bitch needs a backhand.

3. Edward Is A Pansy-Ass-Bitch

So… Edward and Bella haven’t slept together, which we’ve already covered in the previous #4 spot, but there’s a part to this awkward situation that makes things worse than they already were by involving a simultaneous cock-blocking cuddle-slut, and that part is that Edward is a limp-dicked, pansy-assed, pasty-skinned douche bag who won’t go after what he wants with any sort of aggression. Like I said earlier, he’s the Richard Simmons of the vampire world, and if someone like Dracula actually showed up and cleaned house, he’d charm the pants off of Bella and kill all the pathetic, weakling vampires in a heartbeat, in addition to the fact that he’d go right for the kill and take Bella out for a nice seafood dinner, and NEVER call her again!

Grow some balls, Eddie-boy, and get after that shit. Pussy.

2. Bella Dies… But Comes Back

I’ll tell you, there have been very few moments in my recent memory that made me as happy as when I found out Bella Swan died. She was going away! Forever! I would never have to hear about her, or these movies, again! I wouldn’t have to carry around a PVC pipe to clobber all the morons who would ask me if I’d seen any of these films, the movie equivalent of an occupied, tipped-over outhouse! But, then… a moment of panic, then sheer terror, as I realize the truth…

SHE ENDS UP LIVING!!!

Just when you think, “Wow, ok… maybe these filmmakers and the writers aren’t so bad… they got one thing right!” you realize, “nope. They’re still a bunch of dipshit, self-palm-bombing pricks.” (Note: if you didn’t get that last joke, google “palm bomb,” cuz that shit was GOLD).

Nothing is as disappointing than that moment, finding out she comes back and there’s a happy ending. Just awful.

Oh, and uh… !!!SPOILER WARNING!!!

1. I’m Just Too Cool For It

Fonzie would shed a single tear, for all the uncool people who love Twilight.

I’m not sure when it started, or who started it, but this whole, “conformity is cool!” thing really blows.

Who the hell wants to be a follower, especially of something like this, mindlessly singing the praises of such an awful amalgamation of everything wrong with Hollywood?

The last time something was this over-hyped, I had no part in it, never willingly saw it, never paid a dime to support it. What was it, you ask? A boring movie called “Titanic.” Remember that one? Yeah, the highest grossing movie of all time or something like that. And why? I couldn’t tell ya. I’ve never been able to sit through the entire thing. And that’s coming from someone who rewatches the Lord of the Rings trilogy in one day, at least once a year, every year.

Everyone and their brother and their brother’s dog and their brother’s dog’s brother was going to see Titanic. But, for me, there was one fundamental flaw with the film: it’s about the Titanic. The effing TITANIC! Everyone who went to see it already knew the ending! What are we, stupid?!

Why would I want to suddenly be a part of something that dumb? Everyone’s bringing their brother, their brother’s dog, and their brother’s dog’s brother to see the Twilight Saga. And why? I’ll never know.

But you know what I DO know?

Why I’ll never watch the Twilight Saga. 10 times over.

Comments
6 Responses to “Totally Biased Top 10: Reasons I’ll Never Watch the Twilight Saga”
  1. John D says:

    What’s sad, is you spent the time to write all of this; even after clearly impressing the fact that you hate these movies. Too funny.

  2. John D says:

    Oh don’t mind me, I’m just a big wise ass. Haha

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