Totally Biased Top 10: The Man Crush, Round Two

Leonardo DiCaprio

Travis and Justin each break down a list of 5 guys they want to… well… ya know…

Well, once again, here we are!

Due to the overwhelming response to our initial Top 10 Man Crush list, and the flood of responses from all of our fans (thanks again, to both of you!), we decided to have another go at creating a list to show off what guys we find most attractive, most talented, and most… doable.

Once again, however, I find myself a little bit ashamed of myself for diving into bed–I mean, into writing such a piece, and despite how much fun it really is to come up with some of this stuff, I’m starting to get a little self-conscious… Don’t look at me! Travis, though, is wading into all-too-familiar territory, and had no trouble with it. Big surprise.

And with that, I give you the Totally Biased Top 10: Travis’ Top 5 Hollywood Man Crushes, and my Top 5 Guys I’d Go Gay For!

Totally Biased Top 5: Hollywood Man Crushes, by Travis Rand

5. Patrick Dempsey
Claim to Fame: Greys Anatomy… Wait… do I need to put anything else?

    
Are you kidding me with that smile… and that fucking HAIR?! A god among men…

To much surprise, I was never a fan of Grey’s Anatomy. I was, however, a fan of their lead actor, sporting some luxurious and sexy man hair. Dempsey, 45 years old, is perhaps the oldest on this list, but hey, unlike Justin, the young ones have never been my style. Dempsey was born in Maine, which automatically gives him a few bonus points. Although Grey’s was his first big break, Dempsey auditioned and acted in over 100 pilots, with none of them ever being picked up for a full season, which begs the question, was he wearing a hat in these shoots?

Date with McDreamy: My date with Dempsey would perhaps be the first time I ever go on a date with someone with a better head of hair. No offense Adie, but, c’mon look at this shit. I could win awards. Back to the Doc, the real question is, what WOULDN’T we do?! Dempsey seems like a real down to Earth dude, who would definitely take me to a local fair, win me a big stuffed animal while I play with his sexy locks, split a fried dough with me as we wipe powdered sugar off of each other’s noses, and finally, take me to the top of the ferris wheel. Ahhh. Bliss <3

4. Eric Bana
Claim to Fame: Time Traveler’s Wife, The Hulk, Troy

    
It’s weird, because I never thought I would find anyone to fulfill my giant green steroid pumped man fetish…

He’s australian. Done. Ok, ok. Bana comes in at the ripe ol’ age of 43, but still looking as good as ever. He gained fame in Australia in his first acting role, on a TV show titled “Full Frontal” [schwing!]. In Troy, he’s one of the most ripped, bad ass motherfuckers to walk the planet, and in the Hulk, he’s even more ripped, but perhaps less badass, it’s up to viewers. Bana’s next role? Oh, he’s only playing ELVIS PRESLEY in “Nixon and Elvis”. That’s right folks, Bana meets Presley. Almost as climactic as Travis meets Bana meets left hand. I’m kidding, I’m kidding. I’m right handed. Too far? Yep, too far.

Date with The Hunk, I mean, Hulk… No I mean Hunk: Bana is actually a tremendous comedy actor, and considers it his forte. I think a comedy club is in order, with a smoothie instead of a shake, so he can keep that impeccable figure. A walk in the park is not entirely out of the question, although, I get nervous at night, in dark places, so Bana might have to wrap those pythons around me so I feel excit-I mean-safe. Yeah… safe ;)

3. Channing Tatum
Claim to Fame: Coach Carter, Step Up, G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra, Dear John

    
With a body like that, is a caption really needed? *drool*

Channing. Tatum. Is he Hollywood’s new bad boy? Or every girls dream prom date? I think a bit of both. Tatum was born in Alabama, so you know that his gentleman side is all there. His ancestry includes Irish, French, and Native American, which is perhaps the most lethal combination of blood. Ever. Essentially, he could get hammered, woo me with the language of love, and shoot me down a buffalo. All simultaneous, of course. What more does a girl [or guy] need? His 2012 schedule is packed, with a full five films slated to release, including the G.I. Joe sequel. His wikipedia also tells us that Tatum “Shares a birthday with a fan named Helen”. Wow. Thanks, Wiki…

Date with Tate: Lunch on the beach in San Diego is definitely in order for Mr. Tatum and myself. After a few rounds of volleyball with the locals, in which I accidentally rip Tatum’s shirt off, we would head off to dinner, so I could simply stare into his perfect green eyes. After dinner of course, we would go to his loft and have coffee. Yes, people, just coffee. Naked. Coffee.

2. Leonardo DiCaprio
Claim to Fame: Titanic, Inception, Blood Diamond, J. Edgar, The Departed

   
Is there a classier, more dignified man in Hollywood who also continues to ONLY make blockbusters? No, people. There is not.

Leonardo DiCaprio, after starring in Titanic, the James Cameron blockbuster, in 1997, quickly became the poster on girl’s walls all across America. Before that however, he was under the watchful eye of such greats as Robert De Niro, Johnny Depp, and others, who knew that Leo would one day break out. I doubt, however, that anyone thought that Leo would become the box office sensation that he is now. From The Departed and Blood Diamond, both in 2006, to Shutter Island in 2010, Inception in ’11, and the newly released J. Edgar, Leo has been on top for years and years now. Just where I want him. There is no one I admire more on this entire list than DiCaprio.

Date with Jack Dawson: One thing is for certain, if Leo were to take me out, nobody would ever know about it. Leo has been incredible at keeping himself out of the tabloids, and rarely graces the cover of any publicity rag, unless they are heralding his charm, good looks, and stark blue eyes. Leo and I would hit up the local late night cafe, and talk about anything he pleased. From quantum physics, to the galaxy, to how cold the water really was on the Titanic. I might even ask him if he got a boner when he had to “paint” Kate Winslet. Hey, I can’t help these thoughts.

1. James Franco
Claim to Fame: Having the best fucking smile in Hollywood…

   
His smile blinds me. Not because of his pearly whites, but because I start to question my sexuality.

Thus, we arrive at my number one selection. James. Fucking. Franco. The man is a genius, and not enough is known about him. Let me set the scene here people, and watch how you fall in love.

The man wanted to be an actor, but feared rejection. He enrolls at UCLA, and drops out, against his parents wishes, because he would have had to wait two years to try out for their acting program. He enrolls at Playhouse West, to take acting lessons from Robert Carnegie, and work at McDonald’s because his parents refused to support him. He got his big break a few years later, after some small pilot rolls, as James Dean, in the film of the same name. To fully immerse himself in the role, Franco went from being a non smoker, to hitting two packs a day, and spending four hours a day with two of James Dean’s old associates. In the month before filming was to start, he cut himself off from friends and family, to be able to really hit the “lonely and dark” aspect of Dean. After James Dean, of course, Spiderman happened, in which Franco played Peter Parker’s best friend. After that, Franco promptly blew the fuck up.

There is no one more involved in his work, and willing to sacrifice anything to achieve success. For Christ’s sake, in “City By The Sea” he plays a homeless drug addict. What did Franco do to prepare? Spent a week living on the streets of New York City, talking to recovering addicts about what it had been like! I can truly say, the best part about writing this article, and researching the contestants, was without a doubt, learning more about Franco. The guy wanted to get his college degree, so he took 31 credits, for back-to-back semesters. Thats. Fucking. Crazy. Any college student knows just how insane this really is, especially considering the man was still acting during this time. Upon receiving his degree from UCLA, he became an English Major at Yale University, where he made headlines for missing the 2011 Academy Awards nominees being announced, because he had class.

Look for Franco in the future to star as Oz, in the Wizard of Oz prequel, being directed by Spiderman guru Sam Raimi, set to release in 2013. Until then, there will most likely be no date with Franco, unless he wants me to hold his textbooks in between shoots, on the set of one of his many movies. A true hollywood icon.

Totally Biased Top 5: Guys I’d Go Gay For, by Justin Yattaw

5. Adam Levine
Claim to Fame: Frontman for Maroon 5
    
All I can say is, I wish he had his Hands All Over…

Every once in a while, in every generation, there comes along someone who replaces one of “the Greats.” Now, I’m not saying that Adam Levine can totally supercede Mick Jagger, but goddamn, if I don’t think he could give him a run for his money! Where Jagger had a freakish pair of lips and mouth, Levine has narrow, angular features that round out a lithe, tattooed frame that grooves hypnotically while he’s performing. I tell ya, for some reason right now, it’s getting Harder to Breathe! Every time I see this guy perform, I’m just hoping his pants will Give (way) A Little More… In fact, last Sunday Morning… Oh, hell, what’s it matter? Knowing he’s out there, crooning for other girls puts me in absolute Misery! With that cold, hard, dreamy stare, I know here’s one cat I wish he’d own with the Moves Like Jagger. And if I got the chance? I’d Never Leave That Bed.

Date with Adam: Well, what else is there to do on a date with a singer besides hit a karaoke bar and give him the chance to sing to me? After a few drinks, I’d make him hit the stage and melt my heart. I’m sure every other girl would be jealous, but fuck them! Anyway, in melting my heart, I’m sure something similar to my clothes melting would be taking place, too. He says he’s got some “moves” like that tired old Jagger, and hearing him vaguely talk about them really Makes Me Wonder… (ok, done with the song title references. You’re probly thinking, “God, I Must Get Out!” ZING!!!)

4. Chris Hemsworth
Claim to Fame: Thor, Star Trek, A Perfect Getaway… did I mention Thor?
    
This thing? Yeah, it’s a “Hemmy.” And it can run. Allllll. Niiiight. Loooong.

If you’re going to play the Norse God of Lightening and Thunder, then you’d better look just like this hunk of manmeat! After a smaller role in the Star Trek reboot as Kirk’s father (he died in the first scene… Oh, shit, should I have put a spoiler warning?!), the Australian-born actor landed his first major starring role and has already cemented himself as an icon for gorgeous beardedness everywhere. With dazzling blue eyes, long golden locks, a winning smile, and a body worthy of the strongest of the Gods, he’s a posterboy for Aryan perfection, and looks almost too good to be true. But, ya know? It IS true. And thank the Gods for it. Look for Chris to reprise his role as Thor in the superhero team flick the Avengers, working alongside another previous oozing mancrush of mine, Robert Downey Jr. Really? As if I needed ANOTHER reason to go watch this stud swing his… “hammer,” around. What?! Oh, gimme a break! A guy can dream, can’t he?!

Date with Aryan Perfection: Growing up partly in the Austrialian wilderness known as “the Outback,” he’s had dealings with buffalo and crocodiles. Wow. I think a trip to the zoo is in order, with a long, slow walk around the exhibits, plenty of pictures, and plenty of hands-holding. And by “hands holding,” I mean a few innocent pecks. And by “innocent pecks,” I’m talking FULL ON tonsil hockey. I wanna be able to tell what this guy ate for breakfast! Afterwards, well, who cares? His place, my place… flip a coin. I’m happy either way!

3. Matthew McConaughey
Claim to Fame: A Time to Kill, The Lincoln Lawyer, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, Reign of Fire
    
He can bang on my bongos any time… And by “bongos,” I clearly mean my “special, no-no places.”

Besides having the most difficult name to spell on this list (yes, even more difficult than Leonardo Di… Di… Is it an I or an E there? Oh, GFY!), he’s also the most bohemian. Irie, mon! MattMac has been swooning ladies for years with that dimpled smile and performances in many romantic comedies, most notably How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, opposite the beautiful Kate Hudson. When he’s not breaking hearts on the big screen, he’s competing in triathlons, surfing, or making headlines for being arrested. Now, before you get all worried, he’s still a good ol’ boy. He was, apparently, arrested in his own home in the early morning hours of a night in September, ’99, where he was charged with disturbing the peace and possession of cannabis. What had happened? He was playing the bongos. Naked. Talk about “beating off.” Get it? Cuz he was… beating? On the bon–Oh, for crying out loud…!

On top of his extensive work with kids through his “j.k. livin” foundation (named after his personal motto, “Just Keep Living”) which helps kids lead active, healthy lifestyles, he’s also a huge proponent to activism, namely Animal Rights. He, personally, helped rescue strays and stranded pets after the flooding from Hurricane Katrina, and in 2006 he rescued a cat from two youths who had doused it in hair spray and were trying to light it on fire. Aww… Poor Kitty! I’m gonna douse myself in hair spray and try to light myself on fire now, just in case he swoops in and rescues me, too… The only knock against this beautiful specimen is that he doesn’t use any sort of deoderant, because “men should smell like men.” Well… I think I can deal with it…

Date with Matthew: Any sort of outdoorsy or beach fun, such as surfing or volleyball, would be good, but since he’s such an avid Texas Longhorn (think he’s trying to tell us something?) and Washington Redskins fan, I’m thinking a college or NFL game is in order. We certainly can’t skimp on the accoutrement or snacking, and should definitely have a couple beers and enjoy some sausage while we’re at the game. We should also definitely get something to eat after the game, since we’ll be pretty hungry by then. I also don’t think it’s too out of the question to ask him to reenact his infamous night on the bongos…

2. Hugh Jackman
Claim to Fame: The Prestige, X-Men, Australia, Van Helsing
    
He can sing. He can dance. And he’s fucking hot. Case closed. Moving on. DONEski.

Tall. Dark. Handsome. Sprinkle in the Body of Doom, some strategic stubble, a fantastic singing voice, the heart of a family man, and you’ve got yourself a recipe for success. Either that, or just one of the sexiest sons of bitches alive! You’d be hard pressed to find a lady (or man) who wouldn’t be won over by that gorgeous smile, and when this Australian belts out a song-and-dance number for them, you know he’ll have them in the palm of his hand. His film credentials include the brooding, steamy performance as Wolverine in the X-Men franchise, and frankly, I’m not sure anything else he’s done matters. Sure, he’s sang and danced at the Tony Awards, and in flicks such as Australia, but honestly, Who can get over that body?! Anyways, he’s an extensively active philanthropist and extremely devoted activist, and plays numerous sports to maintain health and an active lifestyle. He also plays the piano, and has two adopted children, so points there, but really… That body…

Date with Huge Actor Man (I’m hoping, anyway): Definitely a broadway or theater special, either preceded or followed by a sophisticated dinner. Such a classy, gentleman type would surely treat such a fine young la–I mean… Um… date, to a romantic evening like that. After the evening out, however, it’s no-holds-barred! And I can only hope he would come at me with that Wolverine-like tenacity and ferocity. Mee-ow.

1. Daniel Craig
Claim to Fame: Casino Royale, Quantum of Solace, Layer Cake, Cowboys & Aliens
   
“Bond. James Bond.” Yeah, James Bond? More like Bond-age. I wish, anyway.

Not since the original has James Bond been so sexy. That’s right, girls and boys. James. Fucking. Bond. Do I need to say any more? If you just said, “yes,” then fret not! Cuz here it comes.

Throughout his teenage years, Craig was a theater actor, who struggled to maintain his wages by working in restaurants in various capacities while touring with a youth theater troupe. Throughout these struggles, he continued to travel, study and hone his craft, eventually earning the chance to study at Guildhall School of Music and Drama at the Barbican, alongside fellow actors Ewan McGregor, Damian Lewis, and Joseph Fiennes. Upon graduating, he made his film debut in the movie “The Power of One,” and despite playing in dozens of numerous, smaller roles and lesser known films, including Layer Cake and the Tomb Raider film, it wasn’t until he was named the 6th actor to play James Bond, that he garnered world-wide fame. And the rest, as they say, is history.

With blonde hair, electrifying blue eyes, and a cold, hard stare that could probably kill a lesser man, he’s got handsome, lethal looks to compliment a curiously deep acting talent. Although he knew going in the commercial aspect to playing a character like James Bond, he dove into the role with exceptional fervor, stating he wanted people to question whether or not Bond “is a good guy, or a bad guy on the good side.” He’s even stated himself that he’s never played a character in which their dark side wasn’t explored. So, on top of professional and thoughtful insight, he’s got a dark side. Ooh, la la! He plays the character unlike any actor before him, much more Jason Bourne than other James Bonds, with just as much penache and even more smooth, suave charm than any other. You feel as though he could reach out and kiss you just as easily as he could kill you. And really, who doesn’t enjoy that? And that’s why he’s the Number 1 Guy I’d Go Gay For. No homo.

Date with Bond–I mean… Daniel?: Honestly, what can’t you do with a guy like this? Broadway or theater, comedy club or dance club, he can do it all. A debonaire, suave and smooth Englishman that can swoon you and woo you no matter what. And bearing that in mind, why not just have a nice, quiet night inside near the fire? Maybe some hot cocoa, sharing a blanket, curled up on the couch? And by all that, I clearly mean have him spend the entire night “interrogating” me the same way he would some sort of global terrorist… Tied down… Gagged… Nipple Clamps… Maybe even some “electro-shock therapy?” Oh, I shudder at the thought…

The Competitions… That’s right, PLURAL!

Now if you recall from “The Man Crush, Round One”, the lovely and talented Adie Broadwater judged Justin and I’s choices, and ordered them 1-10. The hottest guy getting a ten, second getting a nine, etc. Well, we here at Totally Biased flipped the script the second time around, and tried to include as many of our co-workers, friends, family, and other, as much as possible, due to their support for the first piece.

Below, you will find two separate ideas, all sprouted from the same lists. Let’s take a deeper look.

Method One: Eight Judges, Eight Lists, One Winner

We start off by presenting our first four judges. I narrowly edge out Justin with a 29-26 win on Adie’s card, which is sweet revenge after our debacle during the first round. Ashlei came right back, however, and got swept up in all the M&M hubbub that is the blonde bombshell, and took Justin’s side, propelling him to a 32-23 victory on that card. My mom had my back though, falling hard for the Hulk, and clinching it by placing The Wrinkly One, and Adam Levine at eight and nine respectively, helping me secure a 30-25 victory. Next up, Justin’s beautiful and, apparently, somewhat blind mother, Vivian. Let there be no question as to where Justin gets his taste in men from, as he absolutely lambasted me on this one with a massive 36-19 victory, the largest margin of victory in Man Crush history. It will be tough to comeback, but I’ve overcome more in my life… I think… *gulp* Let’s take a look at the final four judges.

Alright, time to mop the floor with Yattaw, and begin my climb to the top of Mount Homosexuality. Mary Katherine O’ Brien, substitute teacher by day, Shaw’s CSR by night, chose the dark side, and gave Justin a crucial 30-25 victory. I’m not even going to discuss placing Leo at ten, for fear that I would destroy everything in a ten mile radius. Laura Cowie, and Christine Stevens, two of my good friends, and current students at the University of Farmington, were as gung-ho as you could be to judge our hunks. Why? Because Farmington is the single most boring place on the planet. With four of the top six, it was never even close, and I ran away with a 31-24 victory. That brings us to our third, and classiest of judges [sorry ladies], Mr. Justin Grover. In a fitting fashion, Grover went right down the line, as I escaped with a very fitting 28-27 victory. Justin’s sister sends me off with a fantastic finish, as I swipe some crucial points from Justin, with a 32-23 victory. However, gotta defend Justin here a bit, because apparently poor sight runs in this family, because McConaughey and Hemsworth at nine and ten is the single greatest tragedy in Totally Bia-no-AMERICAN history.

The Verdict

Justin – 223
Travis – 217

After seven judges were down, I had an 11 point lead on Justin, and I was looking fantastic. I thought I had him right where I wanted him. Then of course, I was promptly kicked in the twig and berries by Mrs. Yattaw, and I was ousted by a full six points. I was upset, but I have to give credit where credit is due. He beat me fair and square, no doubt about it. After we took a closer look, I had won the overall numbers on five of the eight cards, but still had lost. We decided to try another method, just to see the results. They were too good to keep to ourselves.

Method Two: One List To Rule Them All

A narrow, narrow victory, but a victory nonetheless.

I prefer this method, and that is not for the obvious reasons. This idea, essentially, took the ranking of every single guy, and gave them an average ranking. For example, as you can see, Hugh Jackman was the concensus #1. To figure this out, I wrote down every single ranking for Hugh-Jack, on all the lists [6-5-1-2-6-1-6-2], and added them up. Whomever had the lowest total, would be the overall number one, and so on and so forth.

After I reordered them, with their average ranking, I assigned Hugh-Jack 10 points, Leo 9, Matthew McConaughey for 8, etc. etc. The verdict, as you can see, is a HUGE 28-27 victory over Justin. Absolutely SLAUGHTERED him.

So now, esteemed public, we leave the option up to you. Justin edges me in terms of total points, and I return the favor with a dramatic victory on the composite rankings. Some people would call us victors, but at the end of the day, is it really a good thing to win a competition that ever so slightly toes the line of sexuality and humor? We here at Totally Biased, being the competition driven group that we are, will take 1st place in ANY competition. We thank you for the overwhelming support we have received, not only on our Man Crush articles, but everything else. Without the fan base, albeit small at this point, we would’ve stopped writing weeks ago. With that being said, this ones for you, ladies… and… umm… gentlemen.

Comments
11 Responses to “Totally Biased Top 10: The Man Crush, Round Two”
  1. San says:

    Yours and Justin’s brilliance for putting together this entire thing is unbelievable. I do believe you have a future in…well, I can’t even begin to think of what??? LOL. Great job, either way. You’ve managed to put a smile on my face today, I needed that!

  2. emmawaldron says:

    Very well written, and I love that two guys can publicly put out a list of there very own “man crushes.” Women are far more quickly to point out another woman’s looks with complements, and men don’t! It’s nice to see their (your) view on the looks of other men, especially when other woman agree/disagree. Then you can wonder about what it is, whether their facial structure, their hair, their voice, their body, their eyes, or the intricate details that makes one person stand out more than the other. Love it, Thanks! :)

  3. Vivian says:

    This is a riot!!!!!! Sorry about the twigs and berries, Travis, and you can definitely say I’m blind….blinded by the beauty of Justin’s men!!!!! Keep up the good work and can’t wait until the next list.

  4. Justin Yattaw says:

    I’m now boycotting this article due to the fact that Travis has CLEARLY rigged the Poll… I think I smell a… CONSPIRACY?!

  5. cara stooper says:

    You clearly overlooked Ryan Gosling. I mean seriously?!?!

  6. youcancallmemistress says:

    This list is way better than the list I had to choose from (was this before or after?). However, Daniel Craig looks like he is perpetually smelling farts. #1????? It’s nice to see Eric Bana on here. Ever see the movie he did when he was in prison (shit, can’t think of the name)? Based on a true story about a crazy but charismatic guy… And Mathew used to do it for me, but he needs to start eating meat again or some shit.

    • Justin Yattaw says:

      This list is from November of last year. The list of 20 men you chose from is from the upcoming Anniversary Edition of Man Crush we’re releasing next week. I’ll make sure I tag you in it on Facebook.

      If you haven’t, check out the First edition of Man Crush, too. There’s links all over this page and in the intro of this piece. Hope you dig it!

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