This Week’s Totally Biased Tidbits: Kim Kardashian Back on the Market, the Dangers of Chewing, Bieber’s Possible Parenthood, and Much More

You are correct, ladies and germs, it’s time to REJOICE! Once again, there’s finally something worthwhile to read on this God forsaken collection of nonsense! That’s right, folks, yours truly, The Bearded Wonder, has finally decided to lay waste to another pack of cretins with yet another insightful yet ignorant, sympathetic yet scathing, broad-minded yet biased article touching on current events, physiology, and everything in between. Well, almost.

 

That's it. Absolutely nothing going through her mind. As always.

Kim Kardashian’s 72 Day Marriage

I’m ashamed to even have this on my coveted list, because I hate to give her any more attention than she already gets. Along with the entirity of the cast of another God awful reality show (can you guess which one I’m talking about?), Kim Kardashian is famous for absolutely no reason whatsoever. She’s constantly in the headlines, on the covers of magazines or on the TV screen. And lately, the public is clamoring for more news on her short-lived marriage. I’ve heard, nearly a dozen times already, “I can’t believe she’s already getting divorced!” And every single time I  hear it, my response is always, “Are you fucking kidding me?! I can’t believe it lasted as long as it did!”

Marriages are like an accessory these days in Hollywood, especially for those who have A.) ZERO talent otherwise, B.) no real claim to fame, and C.) I don’t even need a C. She has no way to get onto those magazines or on TV without shit like getting married or saying something mildly retarded. This chick would be a complete and utter nobody if not for her curves, and deservedly so. I have never watched an episode of the show, and I never will. Stop watching morons like her so this sort of shit gets taken off the air. Finally.

Asshole Drivers

Have you ever been in the car with someone who stops at a traffic light, but they’re deliberately in the wrong lane, because they’re planning on gunning it and cutting off someone next to them because they didn’t want to wait behind an extra two cars? Am I the only person who hates that? These assholes are the same ones who  lay on their horn whenever someone goes to cut them off, of course. And if you’ve realized, in reading this, that you do that yourself, do me a favor and drop a bowling ball on your nuts. Cuz you’re an asshole. Asshole.

The Dangers of Careless Chewing

I don’t care whether anyone calls me an idiot for it or not. G. F. Y. I KNOW it’s happened to you, too! Let me paint the picture for you: you’ve just sat down at lunch with the warm sun pouring in through the windows and cascading over you and the rest of the room, blanketing you in a comforting glow. You’ve got your favorite sandwich ever on the plate, the succulent scent like sweet ambrosia. A bag chips that crinkles invitingly as you tear it open, as if you were in a ravenous hunger. The can of your favorite brand of soda hisses soothingly as you crack it open, the glistening spots of condensation like a visible assurance of it’s refreshingness. You take hold of the sandwich, breathe it in for a moment before sinking your teeth in, and after tearing off a mighty bite, you chomp down and… chew right into the inside of your fucking cheek! OH, that sucks! Isn’t your entire fucking lunch ruined?! Jesus Christ, does that piss me off! Fuck!

Good luck chewing on the other side of your mouth after that. I can almost guarentee you that you’ll bite that same spot again at least twice before you’re done eating, though.

Don't let that cold, hard stare fool you: he doesn't want to use protection, so he can "feel everything his first time."

Justin Bieber’s Possible Parenthood

Now, as a fellow Justin, I’d like to throw it out there, that I am SICK and TIRED of other Justins ruining my good name! This headline, and ensuing story, is like doing a fat chick on an elevator: it’s just wrong on so many levels (Thanks, Bo).

This 20-year old woman, Mariah Yeater, claims that a 16-year old Bieber fathered her now 3-month old son. She was asked by a security guard if she wanted to meet the Bieb, was escorted backstage, where it was immediately apparent they were both attracted to one another. They, apparently, immediately began kissing and making-out, at which point Justin asked her if she wanted to go someplace more private. On the way there, he told her he “wanted to make love to her” and that “it would be his first time.” His first time? Bull. Shit. Without getting too graphic, they went to the private area (notably, a bathroom) where they did the deed. It’s also worth noting she said it lasted about 30 seconds.

This whole story is just wrong. Absolutely, unequivocally, and undoubtedly just reeks of wrong. If you’ve read the official story (I googled it and read the foxnews.com story, found here) you’ll see what a sleaze it makes Bieber out to be, by lying about being a virgin and for insisting on not using protection, as well as the stupid bitch who willingly went backstage, immediately made-out with him, moments later had sex with him, who claims he’s her baby’s daddy, all the while implicating herself in a statutory rape charge. At the cost of sounding like the Miz… Really? Really? Really?

This is just like Kim Kardashian. Get it out of the headlines and let it go away, because this is NOT the most important thing we have going on in this country.

Crimes Against the English Language, Part Un

Over the last couple of years, I’ve noticed a few particular ear-sores that simply will not go away. Namely, the use (or rather, abuse) or words like “legit.” As in, “I went to this party lastnight and it was, legit, SO crazy!” Really? Legit, so crazy? Gosh, I’m so glad you made the distinction, because I was really questioning the legitimacy of that statement before you threw that word in there! Now, we’re all on the same page and we all understand how legitimate that party really was. Right on!

In case you’re one of these mental defectants, you may have noticed I used the word twice after the example: legitimacy, and legitimate. Ya know, in case you’d forgotten you sound like a complete, utter, and total fucking moron by saying HALF A WORD all the time! For you same dipshits, here’s the actual, dictionary.com definition of legitimate:

le·git·i·mate
adjective
1. according to law; lawful: the property’s legitimate owner.
2. in accordance with established rules, principles, or standards.
3. born in wedlock or of legally married parents: legitimate children.
4. in accordance with the laws of reasoning; logically inferable; logical: a legitimate conclusion.
5. resting on or ruling by the principle of hereditary right: a legitimate sovereign.

So, that party was, according to law, so crazy? Are you starting to see how stupid you sound? You’re not even saying the entire word. It’s “legitimate.” At the cost of not sounding like a complete moron for once, do yourself the favor, say the whole word.

“Don’t Play” Marketing Ploys

Ya know that game McDonald’s is always spending millions of dollars on advertising on? The one NOBODY really cares about? The one that doesn’t make people say, “shit! I gotta go play me some o’ dat game again, cuz I be winnin’ shit!” The one that doesn’t really create ANY sort of revenue for the company that they wouldn’t already be making? Ya know, the Monopoly one? Well, if you’ve read my Musings of Customer Service article, you know I work in a retail environment. And since my return from 14 glorious days off, I’ve learned that we’ll be launching a game that plays in the same vein as McDonald’s Monopoly game. The only question I have about it is: why?

Oh, snap! Check it out! Monopoly's back! I think I'd rather go have an abortion when I'm not even pregnant!

It’s just more bullshit that’ll tie up the customer longer than they want to be tied up. They’ll earn tickets they can put on a game board/pamphlet we’ll be passing out and blah-blah-fuckin’-blah… What is the POINT?! Cash giveaways? Prizes? My Store Director (God love the guy because I know he works hard and he’s just doing his job) had to try and emphatically explain to me how it works and how it’ll create customer loyalty, by the admittedly infrequent winnings they’ll be handing out as people come in with game pieces all stuck onto this game board thing. Who in the hell wants to deal with that shit? People already feel like cutting out their coupons, or even just scanning their receipt for discrepancies, is enough of a chore, now they have to try and put together these game boards with the dozens of tiny strips of paper they have to stick on?

To add insult to injury, this is apparently launching in tandem with a new pricing policy where the prices across an entire department have been drastically lowered. As any of my fellow co-workers know, all our store needs is lower prices, none of this frivolous, frivolent bullshit that wastes customers, and our, time. Lower prices, we get more customers who don’t come in and just cherry pick the good deals, we get more customers and we get more business leading to more help, we get more help and we can give better customer service which leads to more customers, and so on and so on. It’s a cycle. And this is all without ANY time spent taking courses in business or marketing. Call it a gift.

Here’s to hoping that a trainwreck of a marketing ploy doesn’t derail a surefire way to increase business. Do us all the favor, don’t buy into these gimmicks, and show the Man that these tricks don’t work on us. Or something. Boycotts just don’t work the way they used to.

That wraps up another edition of our Totally Biased Tidbits. Check back soon for more of Travis’ Midseason Awards, and keep your eyes peeled for more articles from yours truly, The Bearded Wonder.

Comments
6 Responses to “This Week’s Totally Biased Tidbits: Kim Kardashian Back on the Market, the Dangers of Chewing, Bieber’s Possible Parenthood, and Much More”
  1. Christina says:

    Totes legit article. Like, ohemgee! I totes agree with you about the lady saying she banged the Beibe. If she did get Beiber fever and get press with his baby, that would mean it was a year ago, meaning he was fifteen. Better call in Eliot and Olivia…oh, wait Eliot left. Sad face.

    Honestly, I love Keepig up with the Kardashians ( actually more I watch Khloe & Kourteny). I feel Kim, as much as she says she didn’t do it for TV, did a bit. She got swept up in all the lime light BS, because she is a business. It’s a bit sad. She’s obviously a super perfectionist, which means of something isn’t perfect, like a rushed to wedding, she’s not going to keep her named attached to this.

    It’s great that Kim K can can to have TWO quicky marriages, and divorces, but gay people can’t marry “because it’ll ruin the sanctity of marriage.” I’m calling bullshit right there!

  2. Justin Yattaw says:

    The baby is 3 now, and at the time of conception he was 16. He’s 17 now. Still statutory rape.

  3. Statutory rape depends on the law of the state, In California it’s only a misdemeanor if the person over 18 has sex with someone under 18 and they are within three years of age. The baby is three months now, and the woman is 20 and Beibz is 17, which means it happened about 12 months ago, so it’s only a misdemeanor. The penalty for the misdemeanor wouldn’t be much more than a 3 figure fine and possibly a few nights in county jail. If this had happened in Maine it would have been perfectly legal.

    Sources: http://www.cga.ct.gov/2003/olrdata/jud/rpt/2003-r-0376.htm

    http://www.shouselaw.coam/statutory_rape.html

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  1. […] “Crimes Against the English Language, Part Deux,” as a direct sequel to an earlier Tidbits article I did. However, in mining the veritable mountain of occurences that surround me, both at […]

  2. […] again. If you missed the last Tidbit’s segment, then please enlighten yourself by reading it here, as Justin Yattaw did a tremendous job highlighting everything that was, and sill is, wrong with […]



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