This Week’s Totally Biased [and Totally Random] Tidbits: A Costly Play Call, Snapbacks, Halloween Costumes, and More

Hopefully, you are reading the first of many Tidbit articles I hope to post over the course what is hopefully a very fruitful, long, and dysfunctional relationship between us. And by “us,” I obviously mean myself, and you, sir or madam, my loyal reader.

Like any normal, thinking individual, there are many times over the course of a week that I get an idea, or an opinion, and feel the need to voice it. But, unlike you, my sad sad friend, I have this well kept, and ultra sexy webpage to do just that. Voice it, baby.

These are my most recent thoughts, in no real order, and as Justin would say, short and sweet [for my standards], just the way your mutha likes it, Trebek.

Jason Garrett’s God Awful Play Calling

At the end of the Cowboys and Pats game this weekend, the Cowboys had a three point lead, 16-13, over Tom Brady and company. The Patriots were smart enough to still have all three timeouts remaining, and also would have the two minute warning on their side.

It is obvious, to any intelligent football fan, that if Dallas could get two, maybe three at most, first downs, that they could ink the game away, and steal a game at Gillette. The situation was as follows: 1st and 10, from their own 28 yard line.

Jason Garrett, instead of growing what we in the industry call, for lack of a better term, a nut sack, instead walked onto the middle of the field, right on top of the Flying Elvis logo, pulled his pants down, set his coaching headset to the side, and said, loud enough for millions of people to hear, “Mr. Belichick and Sir Brady, I would like to be known, forever, as your bitch. Come take me”.

 
(Aaaaand that ^ about sums it up…)

Well, in not so many words. The Patriots have a notoriously bad pass defense, and instead of passing, and really trying to prove themselves, they ran the ball three straights times, and gave Brady the ball back with 2:31 left, on their own twenty.

Did Jason Garrett forget that Tom Brady, literally, turns into a fucking cyborg when the clock dips below five minutes, and enters crunch time? I mean, I get it, the Cowboys have shitty receivers, like Jason Witten, Miles Austin, and Dez Bryant. Way to go, Garrett, the Coach of the Year award is surely sitting on top of your desk next year…

Slutty Halloween Costumes

It’s called Totally Random for a reason, cracka!

Halloween is a mere 12 days away, and it’s about that time when the young kids are getting ready to pick their favorite costumes to wear for the holiday. Whether it be a ninja, princess, or Nicki Minaj, who in the hell really gives a shit?

I wanna talk about the grown-up version. Where the costumes range from a slutty nurse, to a sleazy cop, to something resembling a naked angel.

Ladies, I’m doing you a favor here, trust me. My good friend Jordan once summed it up as perfect as could be: the golden rule is, if EVERYBODY knows the holiday is only an excuse for you to dress like a whore on the corner of Fifth and Queens, then guess what?! Joke’s out baby. It’s no longer an excuse. It’s just you… dressing up like a tramp.

 

(I believe what they we’re going for, was Hooker Mrs. Pac-Man, and cracked out Bumblebee) 

Do males enjoy this holiday FAR more than they should? Of course. Do they judge you five seconds after seeing you? Yes. Yes they do.

Relating it to personal experience, because ya know, that’s what I do, this is the first year I will be dressing up in, oh, I’d say about 8 years. I will be going down to visit Adie, and I will be going as Peter Pan. Hey, laugh it up kids, at least I’ll get to see Tinkerbell. Trust me, a quick Google search will let you know, Tinkerbell could be one slutty pixie. Luckily for me, I’m dating one of the roughly 38 women left on this planet, that, for whatever reason, doesn’t enjoy looking like a hooker.

It’s really a win-win. Costumes nowadays look insanely sexy anyway, so she’s guaranteed that I won’t be able to pull my eyes of off of her all night, and I get the pleasure of walking around the parties with someone who doesn’t look like a Victoria’s Secret model gone mental. I promise you, in the long run, keep it neat, tidy, but don’t be afraid to take a couple risks. Just remember, if you wouldn’t want your father seeing you in it, you probably shouldn’t wear it.

Mitchell and Ness NFL Snapbacks

I don’t have nearly the hat obsession that other people do, but I do wear one almost every single day. If you’ve listened to any rap song in the past six months you probably are well aware that Snapback hats are coming back, and doing so fast.

In the late 90’s, Snapbacks began to fade into oblivion, and have only now resurfaced, nicer, sleeker, and more comfortable than before. Most recently, the NFL signed a new marketing deal, that limits the ’47 Brand to be the only company to produce NFL fan hats.

 

This means that if you see any other brand pumping out NFL hats that look fresh, you’ll need to cop one now, because there won’t be another version next year. That’s where Mitchell and Ness comes in.

M&N dropped probably one of the nicest looking hat designs this year, the Throwback White Arch 2 Tone [shown]. Throw it on the Christmas list, boys.

“Do you work here”?

Holy shit. Without a doubt, the dumbest question I’ve ever been asked in my life.

Let me set the scene for you. A customer checking out at my place of business has a leaky gallon of milk. Being the hero, genius, and downright gentleman that I am, I stow it away in a couple plastic bags, and begin my journey to get her a replacement. Before I can do that, however, I must discard the old milk in the grocery room sink.

As I go to push the door to the grocery room open, you know, the big double doors that say “Authorized Personnel Only”, a customer, about 40 years old asks me if I work here.

Is this a fucking joke? At this point, I am wearing our companies god awful tan polo, with a bright, radioactive-yellow vest over it, with a name tag stating my name. Sometimes, there are simply no words.

If there is a God, she got into a ten car pileup on the way home.

I’m sorry, that’s horrible and downright morbid. No reason for anyone else to get hurt. Maybe just crash into a telephone pole. Head on.

Chick Football Fans

Literally, there is nothing sexier in the entire world. If Blake Lively doesn’t like football, she’s no more attractive than my 1st grade teacher. And that woman was a straight up BOVINE.

I was in New York for the Giants game a few weeks ago, and there was a girl looking for the Bills-Pats game. I enjoyed seeing her out of her element, since we were only an hour from Buffalo, everyone giving her shit for being a Pats fan was, well, awesome. Come to find out, she has no fucking idea what she’s talking about. Well, bitch, then take off the Bruschi jersey and go make the real fan’s some sammies! Christ.

Luckily for me, Adie knew nothing about the sport until game numero uno. She sat next to me the whole time, trying to grasp the concept of the first down’s, and why anyone would punt the ball away. At one moment, I legitimately elbowed her SQUARE in the chin on a Giants touchdown. She took it like a champ, and kept right in it.

I was rewarded that Bills-Pats weekend, when the Giants destroyed the Eagles. Upon entering the room after a stroll into the common room, she yelled excitedly “We picked him off!” Sure enough, Kenny Phillips, like a boss, intercepted a pass intended for DeSean Jackson. At that moment, I believe, a single, large tear rolled down my cheek, as my life reached it’s final stage of completion.

This stretches much further, though. A manager at my work, female of course, plays a football card every week. Week 6, she had one loss. One. Upon further review, she ACTUALLY knows what she’s talking about, too, not just picking the team with the best colors.

Another bit of evidence. My step-mom beats my Dad and I in an NFL survivor pool, literally, every single year. I shit you not. She reads countless articles, while Dad and I usually make some completely biased pick and are eliminated by Week Three. Five years, and I’ve been eliminated Week One a whopping three times. I know. It sickens me as well.

Django Unchained (2012)

First of all, if you haven’t seen Pulp Fiction, just keep on scrolling down, nothin’ to see here.

Ahem, now that I have all the important people, you are all fully aware that Quentin Tarantino is what we, in the industry, like to call, a FUCKING MAN. You know who else is a man? Leonardio DiCaprio. You want another?! Alright, big boy, how about Jamie Foxx? Oh my goodness, now you’re asking for it. SAMUEL L. JACKSON, BITCH!

   
(It’s fucking greatness people, wake up and smell the coffee!)

I know. Now we’re getting crazy. But this, mothafucka, is REAL. Quentin Tarantino is writing and directing a movie about a slave-turned-bountyhunter [Jamie Foxx… obviously], and his attempt to rescue his wife from a crazy plantation owner [Leonardo DiCaprio].

The film isn’t set to come out until December of 2012, but I don’t give a shit. Mark it on your calendars, film buffs.

JackThreads.Com

A website that doesn’t get nearly as much love as it should. Aimed at men in their late teens and early twenties, the website takes an interesting concept of promoting indie clothing companies, and making their clothes on sale. The companies get publicity, and also a way to get rid of back inventory.

The website will advertise it’s sales, on a very easy to use website, and each sale lasts anywhere from one to three days, with some, like the Saturday Steal, lasting only 24 hours.

Do yourself a favor and check it out, because you won’t be upset you did. Again, not every sale is a good one, but if you keep checking back every couple days, something is sure to pop up that interests you.

In conclusion…

That about wraps up This Week’s Totally Biased [and Totally Random] Tidbits, but be sure to stop on back and check it out next week, where I’ll probably have even crazier shit on my mind.

Also, scroll on down and check out our first featured article by Kris Kauffman, a comparison between Tom Brady, and his counterpart in the NFC, Aaron Rodgers. A warning though, the article is totally biased. That’s why I love it.

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