Totally Biased Top 10: The Man Crush

Ryan Reynolds

Travis and Justin each break down a list of five hot guys

I’ll tell you right now, it’s not very often I have nothing to say about something, but when Travis first told me that one of his first planned articles was his “Top 5 Hollywood Man Crushes,” I couldn’t think of a single goddamn thing to say.

Except for what a fantastic idea it was.

And honestly, even bearing that in mind, I’m finding it hard to come to terms with the time I’ve spent writing such an article, although I won’t speak on Travis’ behalf. So, let’s take a moment, and throw aside all the macho, bro-heavy motifs we’ve already grown comfortable with, and get in touch with a part of ourselves that we’re almost ashamed to admit we have.

Almost.

And with that, let’s dive into the 2-part Totally Biased Article, Travis’ Top 5 Hollywood Man Crushes, and my Top 5 Guys I’d Go Gay For!

Totally Biased Top 5: Hollywood Man Crushes, by Travis Rand

5. Mark Sanchez
Claim to Fame: Former quarterback for the USC Trojans, and current quarterback for the New York Jets

   
A quarterback? I always thought Sanchez was a tight end ;)

I’m far from racist, but for me, it’s only white girls. I don’t get it. I don’t go for the fake chicks either, that look like broomsticks. I need some real woman. Some hips, and a good face. Even with the curve appeal, I have NEVER even remotely thought black chicks, or even latina chicks, are attractive. Yet, Sanchez has just that spice I’m looking for. Cumin? Cilantro? Whatever it is, I like it.

Date with Mark: I honestly have no idea. All I know is there will most likely be sombrero’s, a pinata, and tacos.

4. Matt Damon
Claim to Fame: The Jason Bourne series, Mystic Pizza, Goodwill Hunting

    
It was the eyes… it’s like they peer into my soul

The Departed won me over. Hands down. Besides being a great flick, Damon had a killer role. Let me put this into perspective: this hunk of meat, had ONE line in Mystic Pizza, his debut movie. What’s he doing now? Kicking terrorist ass as Jason Bourne. That’s what we call dedication, bitches. Can’t buy that at the local Cumby’s.

Date with Matt: Damon seems like one of the more sophisticated people on the list, and I doubt he’d mess around. I’m thinking out to a Broadway show, followed by some coffee at a local New York joint, none of this Starbucks bullshit. I’d do my best to keep him away from the alcohol. Call it a gut call, but I feel like Damon could be one of those guys who could smack me around after a few shots of Whiskey. But, what the hell, I might like it.

3. John Krasinski
Claim to Fame: The Office TV series, Something Borrowed, Leatherheads

   
Put that first picture on a poster, and I’ll make it my wallpaper. Not on my computer either…

Krasinski should be every woman’s dream guy. Killer smile and a great sense of humor. He is most well-known from the Office TV series, and for finally growing a sack and going after Pam. His “Something Borrowed” role was great, even if he didn’t end up with the chick at the end. How in the fuck that happened, the world may never know.

Date with John: Easiest call of the list. Baseball game, some footlongs, and a few drinks after. Hey, we might even get some hot dogs at the ball park. Problem is, my buddy Kras here is a HUGE Red Sox fan, and even is featured in the New Era commercials opposite Alec Baldwin. If we went to see a Sox/Yankees game, and the Sox won, John definitely isn’t getting any. Kidding, of course.

2. Ryan Gosling
Claim to Fame: The MOTHERFUCKING Notebook.

    
Those abs… Are you fucking kidding me.

I felt saddened, and even ashamed to not put Gosling as my number one. To be honest, it wasn’t even the Notebook that really did it for me. It was the trailer for the movie Drive. Gosling basically looks like the biggest badass on planet Earth. The Notebook didn’t hurt either though, considering it literally melted away the hearts of females [and my own] all around the world.

Date with Ryan: Definitely the most romantic guy on my list, and I feel like he wants to cut up a dance rug [I have NO idea where this came from]. I’m thinking a romantic dinner, and out to a nightclub after. Whatever gets me closest to the abs, to be honest…

1. Bradley Cooper
Claim to Fame: The Hangover series, Limitless, and A-Team

    
Rumor is, he slicks back his hair so it’s easier for me to run my fingers through it. Probably just a rumor. But, maybe not.

Absolute motherfuckin’ KNOCKOUT at #1. Cooper, is legit, the man. Besides being completely hilarious in the Hangover, he portrayed his serious side a lot more in Limitless. He’s not all looks, as Cooper also graduated from the Honors English program at Georgetown. God Dammit, Bradley, Georgetown?! Not only could he make me drool… if ya know, I was a female, but he would make me seem dumb for once. I love it. Oh, and did I mention he’s fluent in French? There’s certainly lots to swoon over here, but especially a certain… Je ne sais pas ce que…

Date with Bradley: I’m thinking some grub at a comedy club, and then probably hit up a cafe, and a walk through the local art museum. It’s called sophistication, you neanderthals. God dammit, someone get my door, will ya?!

Totally Biased Top 5: Guys I’d Go Gay For, by Justin Yattaw

5. Robert Downey Jr.
Known For: Iron Man franchise, Sherlock Holmes, Due Date

    
Tall, dark and handsome? All 3 major food groups.

Fast-talking and even quicker-witted, Robert Downey Jr. was very close to falling off the map entirely during the ’90s when drugs and alcohol got the better part of his life. Luckily for all of our viewing pleasure, he’s straightened himself up, and with his dashing good-looks and considerable acting chops, has turned his life completely around and landed himself top starring roles in many hit Hollywood flicks. However, also luckily for all of us, he’s still got something dark and edgy about him, leftover from those bad boy days, with dark locks and deep, dark eyes to round out a truly dazzling smile. Despite all of that, though, it’s still that dashing, debonaire charm of his that’s so alluring.

Date with Robert: That rapier’s wit would be hard to keep entertained, so something fun and flirtatious would be best. What, exactly, I’ve got no idea. Perhaps some sort of live show to keep everyone both entertained and cheerful. A trip to a bar or club wouldn’t do much good for the recovering alcoholic sort, so something more on the jovial side to draw us closer together… and closer… and closer…

4. Tom Brady
Known For: See Previous Totally Biased Article For All Necessary Factual Information

    
Grr, baby! Very, very grr!

Oh, my. Thomas Edward Patrick Brady Jr. Another Jr.? Oh, well. This one’s even better than the last! With chiseled good looks, a fantastically conditioned body, and an unparallelled, strategically thinking mind, Tom Brady is a winner of the genetic Jackpot. Just ask his world-famous supermodel wife, (lucky bitch) Gisele Bündchen. He spends his time off the field with his family as well as modelling extensively for several very manly products… ahem! You can also guarantee that whatever you’re thinking, Mr. Brady’s already thought of it, the way he picks apart opposing defenses almost ensures you’ll never be able to out think this hunk, and that he’ll always be in control, ;) Oh, the humanity!

Date with Tom: There’s nothing to over think here as long as I can keep him away from dance-clubs. Anything besides that and it’s win-win. A fashion show, a sports game, dinner and a movie. I really don’t think it could go wrong. This hunk would be the easiest date of the bunch. And of course I mean that in more than one way.

3. Gerard Butler
Known For: Phantom of the Opera, 300, The Ugly Truth

   
Here’s one Scot I’d like to catch in a kilt. During a windstorm. With a camera. Too much? Ok, too much…

A man with an accent. Is there anything quite like it? Yes, there is: a tall, devilishly handsome, blue-eyed bearded hunk of a man with an accent! A trained lawyer who garnered a bit of attention for himself in small roles before hitting it big playing the disfigured Phantom in the titular role of the musical remake, where he sang (that’s right, girls, sang) a few musical numbers before going on to further prove he’s not more than just another pretty face. Well… he’s almost proved it. It’s tough to think anything else when he’s strutting around, oiled-up, chiseled and bronzed like a Greek God in films like 300. With a rough, bad boy type edge courtesy of his near-constant, entirely strategic 3-day stubble, he’s quite the pretty face, at that. But underneath those oiled, rippling abs and that tough-guy exterior, there’s a real boyish, flirty playfulness that makes him next-to-impossible to resist. Oh, and did I mention, he’s got an accent? Who doesn’t love that?!

Date with Geri: Definitely some place loud, boisterous, chaotic and playful. A lobster or oyster shack where we can both laugh and get a little bit messy during dinner. Followed by, hopefully, some sort of midnight prowl along the beach or boardwalk. And back to my place. SHWING!!!

2. Ryan Reynolds
Known For: Van Wilder, The Proposal, Smokin’ Aces, Blade: Trinity, The Green Lantern

    
Look at those puppy dog eyes. It’s like they’re saying, “we can just be friends.” But we both know that’s not true.

There isn’t a better body on this list. Don’t believe me? Google “ryan reynolds blade trinity” and then just TRY to tell me I’m wrong. I dare you. He took his body’s fat percent down to about 3%, and in doing so sculpted some of the best abs, pecs and arms ever to grace the silver screen… *sighs dreamily* Wait, what? Where was I? Oh, yeah! Despite being 34 (isn’t 40 the new 20 anyway?), he’s still retained an innocent, sweet, boyish type charm throughout his burgeoning career. That is, until he opens his mouth and let’s fly with one of his varied, off-handed, totally hilarious zings. Seriously, if he’s not making me laugh he’s making me drool. I just can’t help it! What with that distinct, luscious beard of his, those dark eyes, or that body just THIS close to perfect, who can blame me?!

Date with Ryan: This is another scenario where I couldn’t go wrong. He’s smart, funny, flirtatious but also has a hip, classy, sophisticated edge. Any place we could sit down, relax a bit, talk and just get acquainted would work. A coffee shop or long, slow walk by the ocean would be perfect, preferably in the fall or winter, where we could bundle up and get cozy on the trek. And by “cozy,” I mean something along the lines of hold hands. And by “hold hands,” I mean share a coat. Just the coat.

1. Christian Bale
Known For: The Dark Knight saga, Equilibrium, American Psycho, 3:10 to Yuma, The Fighter

     
Rugged, manly features? Check. Academy Award talent? Check. Chance to land him in the sack? Mission in progress…

If ever there were a more perfect mix of raw intellect and rugged good-looks, I would like for you to please, PLEASE enlighten me. Before he donned the cape and Doberman ears, Bale was simply a fantastic, nearly prodigious acting talent that breathed life into roles that would’ve otherwise been lifeless. All the while looking immensely handsome. Don’t believe he’s that talented? Consider the fact that in nearly every single role he’s ever taken, he’s spoken with a different accent. There’s also a little thing called an Academy Award, but hey. I digress. If you also didn’t know, he’s British. He maintains his accent when promoting any particular film to keep from confusing people, thought it seems to have had the opposite effect. Which I’m sure was the desired result. On top of his astounding dramatic acting chops, he’s widely regarded as one of the most precise, capable action stars in the business. He is so devoted to his craft, that he went so far as to distance himself from the rest of the cast and crew when filming American Psycho, to maintain the darker aspects of his character. Oh, and did I mention his absolutely Olympian physique in the film? Anyone who’s so devoted to work, think about how devoted they are behind closed doors… Oh, behave! On top of being the poster-boy for rugged, bearded handsomeness, he’s also involved in several activist organizations, namely Ark Trust, Greenpeace, the World Wildlife Foundation, the Dian Fossey Gorilla Fund, the Redwings Sanctuary, the Happy Child Mission, AND a school for street kids in Rio De Janeiro. He also has two dogs and three cats, all of which were strays he found himself! Looks, passion, personality, and a heart. I’d call that “a keeper.” And that’s why he’s the #1 Guy I’d Go Gay For.

Date with Chris: Bale’s diversity means there’s literally nothing you could do that he wouldn’t love. A perfect date. Him, not the actual date, I mean. Theater, broadway, movies, dinner, exercise… and LOTS of it… Anything and everything that happened all night would be perfect. As long as we got the ending right. If that doesn’t go according to plan, then the whole night was just a big fuckin’ waste. Although, with a body like his, even just a kiss on the cheek would have any woman (or man, for that matter) reeling… ooh, la la…!

The Contest: Like most guys, Justin and I couldn’t shy away from making this a competition. I quickly devised a plan to send both of our top five’s to a female, and have them rank them in their own order from 1-10. Because this website is called bias, I initiated some of my own, and chose my beautiful girlfriend Adie (a.k.a. 90).

Justin narrowly edges me out. A close victory indeed.

She had no idea who was on my own list, or Justin’s. I was kept in suspense the whole time, as we video chatted while she formed her final order. I was lucky enough to nab the top spot with Ryan Gosling, but after that it was neck and neck. We gave 10 points for a 1st place finish, 9 points to 2nd, and so on. My guys in blue, and Mr. Potats [One of many nicknames (Editor’s Note: a fucking god awful nickname, at that. – Justin)], had his guys in green.

As you can see, Justin was the victor, if you can even call one of us that (Editor’s Note: we can! – Justin). Although the website may be biased, our beautiful judge was not. She has a serious lacking in knowing Hollywood actors by name, so she wasn’t swayed one way or the other, as evidenced by our close finish. I mean, c’mon, at one point she asked me who the lead actor was in Titanic!

So there you have it, fair and square. Justin notches his first victory, but it will surely be his last. But I gotta end it here,  its’ time for me to go take a shower and clear my Google search history!


Stay tuned for more Top Ten Totally Biased articles in the future!

Comments
12 Responses to “Totally Biased Top 10: The Man Crush”
  1. youcancallmemistress says:

    I read an interesting interview with Bale where he talks about the fact that he becomes so engrossed in his roles that he sometimes believes he did certain things… like one time he told someone he fought a fire or some shit.. but he never did. I don’t know, he played a fireman or something..

    btw, you two had way too much fun with this. i’m convinced you both had to rub one off after writing these.

    • youcancallmemistress says:

      or is it “rub one out” (hey, i don’t own one of those -at least, not a real one- so I don’t know)?

      • Justin Yattaw says:

        That’s definitely an instance of “rub one out,” and I thought you would be above judging me for it… This is a sad, sad day… But I’m also glad you took the time to read the article, lol. Does this mean you’re excited for the impending release of Man Crush III?!

      • youcancallmemistress says:

        phsaw! do nuns masturbate??!? (too much??)

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