Totally Biased Top 10: NFL Wide Receivers

Make that, “NFL Wide Receivers.”

Ah, football. The time of year where everything is dying. The troops march out onto the field, and the guy whose hands always start on the balls lobs them to his tight ends, his wide receivers, and gets extra care and support from the rest of his O, while the D does everything it can to stay nice and stiff, bend but not break.

Ok, gratuitous innuendo aside, who doesn’t love football? Even a soccer fan can have a favorite team (sorry, Grover, for what it’s worth) and whoop and holler like they’re at the game from the safety of their living room. Considering all that, as Travis previously stated, it’s been an ongoing debate as to who the Top 10 receivers really are. I argue the case of W³ and all he’s been able to accomplish in his time spent lining up outside of TFBeiber, while he (as you probably already know) sings the praises of “Megatron,” who I may also add, has died not once, but twice in the Transformers movies. We’re already 1 – 0 in the W³ vs. Megatron debate here, and I’d call that a good start. And with that, let’s break down MY Totally Biased Top 10.

Gronkowski. There’s really very little else that needs to be said.

#10 – Rob Gronkowski, Tight End, New England Patriots
59 Career receptions, 15 Receiving TDs, Awesome Last Name

Rob Gronkowski. When the Patriots selected him 42nd overall, I, for one, had no idea, because A.) I don’t watch the draft, B.) don’t follow college players and lastly, C.) well… I can’t think of a C. BUT, what’s happened since then has proven that sometimes a player’s performance can speak for itself. When I heard we drafted two new TEs, I had no idea what amazing acquisitions they’d turn into.

Let’s go ahead and take a second and let me start off by saying, “I know he’s listed as a fucking Tight End.” Gronk blocks, and catches balls. White Wes blocks, and catches balls. Law Firm blocks, and catches balls. Are they all receivers? Yes, they receive the ball. This is Totally Biased, not ESPN. If you don’t like it, GFY.

Gronk was already a giant, freak of a man at 6 and a half feet, 260 pounds, with soft hands to boot. He “gets it.” He’s helped the rest of the receiving core spread the field even more than it already was, and his efficiency in doing so has guarenteed him a continued spot on the offense. After only 1.33 seasons in the league, he’s already regarded as one of the most complete players of his position. His mental acuity and blocking ability have already put him into talks about the top TEs in the league, and with a nickname/lastname 1-2 punch like Gronk/Gronkowski? How can you not put him in the Top 10?

The fact that he hangs out with porn stars like it’s “no big deal” certainly doesn’t hurt.

Hernandez’ athleticism on display. Jumpin’ over dudes like Mario.

#9 – Aaron Hernandez, Tight End, New England Patriots
69 Career receptions, 8 Receiving TDs, 1 Press Conference completely lambasting the Red Sox

Apart from looking eerily like my boss’ son, Hernandez is the other TE drafted before the 2010 season, and so far? So good! Although listed as a TE, I would never call him nearly as complete of a TE as Gronk, and I think both in stature and ability, he’s much more of a big, athletic WR than a TE, though perhaps not quite as fast. Despite that, he’s been a staple of the offense since his debut, and as of now, the chemistry and trust that’s showing between TFB and the two new TEs is only getting stronger.

While not as complete and as efficient in the blocking game as Gronk can be, Hernandez makes up for it with flashy, athletic catch-and-grabs that light up the defense. On top of his on-field work, his time with the press is just as entertaining, as proven by the recent interview he did while munching on a piece of chicken the entire time, a clear jab at the Red Sox bullpen and the rumors they drank beer and ate fried chicken when not starting.

What other reason do you need to be in a Top 10? I submit: none.

#8 – Deion Branch, Wide Receiver, New England Patriots
474 Career Receptions, 36 Receiving TDs, Winning Smile

If you had told me at the start of last season that Deion Branch would replace Randy Moss just a few games into the season, I would’ve sang the praises of the mighty NFL and Football Gods and sacrificed a small Mexican child in thanks. People made a big hullabaloo about it, said Moss has still got it. Naysayers, I name thee! Actually, if someone had told me that would happen I would’ve both slapped them, and called them a profanity. So, I guess we were all in the same boat.

But, in either case, it happened. Moss went off and acted like Moss until he settled onto the Titans roster, and Branch took over filling up the void in the receiving core left by the (arguably) best deep threat of all time. And the rest is history.

Branch’s amazing production has been the result of both his long-time friendship and chemistry with the New Messiah (read: Tom brady) as well as his apparent brilliance. Darth Bill himself has even stated that Deion is “one of the smartest players I’ve ever coached.” Both facets of that have shown on multiple occasions, as Branch and Brady are able to move the chains with quick, surgical precision.

Branch, not known for his athleticism, stands out starkly against the white snow.

#7 – Deion Branch, Wide Receiver, New England Patriots
Super Bowl XXXIX MVP, Amazing Hair

C’mon, honestly? Don’t act surprised. Super Bowl MVP?! He tied a Super Bowl record with 11 catches, for 133 yards. Talk about coming up big in the clutch. And all of this when the offense had next-to-nothing going for it, Branch was still able to outplay the coverages and get open for the strikes from TFB. He was the first receiver since ’89 to be named MVP, and in doing so, solidified his place in our hearts all across New England. Unfortunately, we all kind of… ya know… Forgot about him, after he went to the Seahawks and didn’t do shit for a few years, and we had Moss burning secondaries left and right in the ’07 campaign.

Despite that, his return has also done a lot to prove he belongs here, pulling in multiple, huge catches in multiple, big games: his first game back with the Pats he had 9 receptions for 98 yards in an OT game with the Ravens, universally regarded as one of the best defenses in the league. Cobwebs? Rust? Fahgedabooouuudid! On top of that, later in the season he posted his career long 79-yard TD catch in a game against the Lions, as well as a 22-yard catch in the 4th to seal the win.

Clutch? I think so.



#6 – Wes Welker, Wide Receiver, New England Patriots
586 Career Receptions, 6,273 Receiving Yards, 28 Receiving TDs

Whoa, whoa, whoa… Now, I know what you’re thinking: W³ at #6?! Fret not, my little friend! We’ve still got 5 more spots and plenty of writing space to prove my point here. That being said, let’s get down to the brass tacks.

White Wes Welker (W³ for short) is surprising everyone, year in and year out. From relative obscurity on the Chargers then on the Dolphins, and finally on our beloved Pats, he’s risen from Undrafted Free Agent, to talks about being the best receiver in the league. And it’s not just me who says so, ask the second best receiver of all-time, the Legendary #88, and he’ll tell you, too!

This every-man quality that Welker has is one of the reasons he’s so likable. He knows his role. He knows what he can and cannot do. He does his job, week in and week out. Whether that’s drawing coverages away from other eligibles or slicing those coverages up himself, he gets it done. And he doesn’t let anything stop him from doing so.

#5 – The Natural, White Receiver, New England Patriots (a.k.a. the Dominators)
Torn MCL and ACL Recovery Time: Less than 9 months, Eye Color: Electric Azure Sexy-Azz Blue

Are you fuckin’ kidding me?! I’ll tell you, I’m still glad to this day that I didn’t see him go down and tear the two ligaments in his left knee, and watch him get carted off the field. I’ve heard it was heartbreaking to see, and I refuse to watch to it at all. He wore a towel over his head, doing his best to hide the tears. And people liked to rub that in, that his season, and perhaps his entire career, was over. That he would never be the same again.

To all those people? All I can say is, “SUCK IT, TREBEK!” To fully recover from an injury like that, and be just as effective, if not more so, after the fact? Even Travis admitted his Week 1 performance in the 2010 season opener was the gutsiest performance he’d ever seen, and that Wes was his new favorite player. Ok, I uh… MAY have made part of that last sentence up, but I’ll let you guys decide which bit in particular.

If you still need more proof as to his drive, his passion, his determination, and his sheer competetiveness, then I say, “You, sir, can very kindly GFY.”

You see that? You do NOT! FUCK! WIT DAT!

#4 – White Wes Welker, The Golden Handed Wonder, New England Dominators
2011 Stats, through 5 Games: 45 Receptions, 740 Receiving Yards, 5 TDs, 33 1st Downs, 0 Fumbles

“More of this bullshit?! Same guy for 3 spots?! Are you serious, bro?! Are you fuc-” Let me cut you off right there, tiger! Are you gonna sit here and tell me that on a website titled “Totally Biased,” a born-again New England Sports fan can’t have a loaded list of the Top 10 Receivers comprised entirely of Patriots players?! Cuz if that’s what you’re telling me, then why don’t we just stop, right now!

That’s what I thought, tough guy. And if you’re still here reading this, then hat’s off to you, and let’s continue this crazy shindig.

Wes Welker has catapulted himself into MVP talks, and drawn very, very considerable praise from some of the most respected, most talented players in history. On top of the fact that he’s leading the league in several categories (the highest receptions total as well as the highest receiving yards total through 5 games), he’s also doing it while drawing some of the best coverages opposing defenses can throw at him. With the receiving core the Patriots have lined up, it basically guarentees SOMEONE gets a pass from the Great One, whether one of the spectacular TEs, or one of the other receivers (more than likely that’ll be Branch and not Chad Johnson, because his name should be JOHNSON and not that ridiculocity he changed it to).

The fact that Welker is still able to haul in catches and put up the kinds of numbers he does even with the receiver diversity TFB has at his disposal, says a lot both about his effectiveness, the trust and confidence TFB has in him, as well as his efficiency. And no, I didn’t list that off twice.

Oh, and this is all after one of the most grievous injuries a receiver, or any athlete for that matter, can go through. Just to top it all off. No big deal.


TFB. Nuff. Said.

#3 – Tom Fahckin Brady, Laser-Guided Aerial Combat Weapon, The Only Dynasty in this Century
3-Time Super Bowl Champion, 2-Time Super Bowl MVP, 2-Time League MVP and 1st Unanimous League MVP in History

Poise. Passion. Precision. Perfection. And other words that begin with P.

With his soft yet chiseled features, his formerly flowing locks of fabulousness, his super-duper model wife Gisele, his unyielding determination to simply be better, his countless 4th Quarter come-from-behind victories, on top of those 3 World Championships, Tom Brady has proven that he is, inarguably, the best QB in the business. Even with his phenomanal play and a recent Super Bowl win, the mighty Aaron Rogers still hasn’t eclipsed the New England Neo (like, Neo from the Matrix?).

I don’t really need to recant his accomplishments, though, or talk about the 358 consecutive passes he threw without an INT, or the various Touchdown records he holds, the completion percentage records, the starting wins or the win percentages, the streaks, blah blah blah. It’s TFB. Everyone knows. And if you don’t, you can GFY.

Bearing all of that in mind, it sure seems like there’s just not a whole hell of a lot that TFB can’t do, which is why he’s included in here: I wouldn’t even put it past TFB to be able to throw a TD pass to himself. And at this point, I’m thinking you’re probably agreeing with me.

Excessive Celebration? I think not!

#2 – Wesley Carter Welker, Spider-Man Handed Psycho, Do I NEED to List the Team Again?!
Returned KO, Returned Punt, Kicked an Extra Point, Kicked a FG, Recorded 1 tackle. In one game.

Here we are, back to familiar territory! Bill Belichick has made it abundantly clear that no one, not a single starter on his roster, hasn’t earned their place as a starter. Wes was always someone Bill admired, respected and understood his versatility, as evidenced by Wes’ record performance against the Patriots on October 10th during the 2004 season. He was, and is, a complete and versatile player who was dangerous in the return game, as well as kicking game, on top of his extraordinary blocking ability despite his rather small 5’9″, 185 pound frame.

Darth Bill sings the praises of versatility, and many of the Patriots’ biggest play-makers have been successful on both special teams and their respective offensive or defensive positions, but perhaps none even more so than Welker. Just to put his play versatility into perspective: in college, as a running back, he scored 80 touchdowns (53 rushing and 27 receiving). As a cornerback, he had 190 tackles, 22 interceptions (three of which he returned for touchdowns), and nine fumble recoveries. As a punt returner, he scored seven touchdowns. As a kicker, he scored 35 field goals and 165 extra points; his longest field goal, 58 yards, actually exceeds the personal best of current Patriots kicker, Stephen Gostkowski (another fantastic lastname, Bee-Tee-Dub).

If this guy was any more valuable, he would bleed $50 and $100 dollar bills. His proficiency as a receivers stems from his experience as a cornerback, and understanding how they play against their man. His speed and tremendous footwork comes from years or sprint-work as well as playing soccer (betcha didn’t know that!). And his triumphant stance in the Patriots offense comes from him being invaluable in so many aspects of the game.

The face of sly, comedic genius. We’re not worthy.

#1 – W³, God Hand, The Pats
11 References to Feet After Rex Ryan’s Foot Fetish Goes Public

Athis point, take a moment to imagine, if you can, a brilliant, boisterous fanfare, a pillar of light descending on the greatest of all mere mortals, and an angelic choir rising to evidence his magnificance.

You need no further proof than the slick, tongue-in-cheek press conference he gave to the world before the Playoff game last season prior to a loss to the Jets. Many of us, myself included, watched and thought, “Hm. Another no-nonsense interview from one of Darth Bill’s boys. No bulletin board material there.” But then, something happened. Whispers and mumblings of something aFOOT, someone had stepped on someone else’s TOES, and done so right under our noses! That’s right, Wes had tricked us all by slyly sneaking in 11 (read: ELEVEN) different foot references as a slick, wily jab to the rotund prick in New York. It wasn’t for a few days until people began to catch on, and whoever it was that realized should be working for Homeland Security. Seriously.

Darth Bill uselessly sat him for the first drive of the game, as “punishment.” But, I think, behind the scenes, Bill was really laughing his ass off and slapping his knee. Cuz Holy Shit, you’ve gotta be either drooling on yourself or Rex Ryan to not think that shit’s funny! With the infamous “Foot Presser,” his off-the-field brilliance has been proven beyond any doubt, and with the magical media appearance, he’s earned his place at the top of this list. And in the middle-ish area, too.

And there you have it! A Totally Biased Top 10!

– Justin –

2 Responses to “Totally Biased Top 10: NFL Wide Receivers”
  1. Vivian says:

    Totally Biased? Don’t you mean Totally Blind?

Check out what others are saying...
  1. […] game, notching only 3 catches for 14 yards. Certainly not the numbers deserving of a big-time, elite wideout contract. Tom Brady, The Messiah Himself, threw 23  for 31 for 236 yards and only 2 TDs. Not […]

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